November | 2015 | grace is my superhero

We have all had them. Grumpy mornings when we wish we were still under the covers. Grumpy mornings when everything seems to be going wrong.

I used to have grumpy mornings on a regular basis, when I was rudely awakened way too early with the knowledge that I had a very long day of caring for little people ahead of me.

In recent years, however, I felt more confident, more capable. With the help of my older children, I was able to face each morning with a level head and even some joy. I became too confident and let my two most helpful children (Areli and Cadin) volunteer to help with Kidz Kamp at our church. They were gone early in the morning, my husband was at work, and that left me…alone…with a three month baby, a loud and demanding two year old, a special needs girl who acts like a quirky three year old, three wild and crazy boys, and a teenager asleep in his bed. This teenager who used to be an early riser and the instigator of most of my grumpy mommy mornings, now seemed to be able to sleep indefinitely.

I tried to take care of the needs of the younger children while enlisting the wild boys to help me prepare breakfast. The younger children were all uncooperative and whiney, and the wild boys were…wild! They seemed to ignore all that I said to them. Instead of helping, they were tearing around the house creating messes and conflicts.

Before I knew it, I was in the midst of a Grumpy Mommy morning unlike I had experienced in years! I ended up yelling and fuming, ranting and raving. I didn’t understand why my children didn’t understand…I was doing all of this for them. The diapering and nursing and dressing and cleaning and cooking! All of this effort was for them! Why couldn’t they help me just a little bit?

Later in the day I had the peace and quiet to think. Why did I have such a horrible morning? Was it really my children? Were they really so awful?

Or was it my attitude? If I was really doing everything I did to serve them, why was I so angry with them?

I realized that the work I was doing and getting stressed out about was not really for them. They didn’t really care if their faces were clean or that their clothes matched or that they had a super healthy breakfast. I was doing all of those things to make myself feel better. I was doing everything I thought a good mother should do, trying to get it all done so that I could feel accomplished and satisfied with my mothering. Then I could get on to the things that I really wanted to do.

I was angry because their childish behavior was interfering with MY plans. They were messing up MY schedule. I hadn’t thought about the emotions or thoughts of each child that morning. Maybe one child had woken up with a scary dream. Maybe another child was so excited about Kidz Kamp that he couldn’t calm down. Maybe the other child was so nervous about Kidz Kamp that he was trying to forget his worries. Perhaps another child was feeling overlooked and was just trying to get my attention. I hadn’t even considered what was going on in their hearts.

I stopped to contemplate what each one of them might want most in the morning upon waking. I concluded that their deepest heart’s desire, even if they couldn’t articulate it, would be to have a mommy who would greet them with joy. A mommy who would listen and not just give orders. A mommy who speaks kind words instead of yelling.

How could I possibly be that kind of mommy? How could I even begin to meet each child’s unexpressed needs each morning?

All I could come up with was the fact that I definitely could not. Only if I was abiding in Christ and had His love and thoughts towards my children could I be that kind of mommy.

How could abide in Christ when I got woken up before I could have a quiet time? How could my mind be full of His thoughts when I couldn’t crack my Bible to read a single scripture? How could I have His love for my children when I hadn’t even stopped to notice His love for me?

This has become the question that I MUST HAVE an answer to.

“LORD, just how do I seek you in the midst of this life that you have given me?”

I am not totally sure how to get time by myself on a daily basis. I am not sure how to meet with other Christians and get to church meetings more often for encouragement. But here is what I have come up with so far.

Whenever grumpy thoughts start to invade my mind, I make a huge effort to replace them with a thankful thought and find something to praise God for.

I write scriptures on notecards and post them on my bathroom mirror. Whenever I see them, I read them and memorize them. As I read them, I feel hope returning to my soul. I try to meditate on them throughout the day.

I recite memorized scriptures while I am nursing. I used to be able to read the Bible or other encouraging books while I nursed but now Annalise nurses too fast and is too active for that. As I speak the truth out loud, I feel my heart taking courage.

I listen for His voice in the midst of the noise. Sometimes I hear it in the voice of my six year old. Sometimes I hear it in my baby’s cries.

Instead of begging Him to help me through this crazy day, I THANK Him for the help He most certainly IS giving me and WILL give me.

I listen to worship music while I am preparing meals and sing along. I am caught up in His goodness as I chop vegetables. I smile when my children tell me that I should have been a singer, and I try to be loving when they interrupt me for some silly reason.

I listen to the Bible on CD while I am driving. It transforms the time I spend running errands into an encounter with truth and love. I have noticed things about Jesus and the Bible I have never noticed before. I have cried and repented and praised Him for His mercy while running to the grocery store.

When I get the chance, usually on a Saturday or Sunday morning, I write down what He has been speaking to me throughout the week. Then I read my journal over and over again while I eat breakfast the next week. I am reminded of the earth-shaking revelations that have so easily slipped my mind.

I fall asleep recounting all the good things God did for me throughout the day. I surrender all that I am, and all that I am not. I rest in the arms of Jesus until some little person needs me.

Being a good mom is not made up of things that I do or the schedule that I keep, but who I am. Only an active, growing relationship with Jesus will make me like Him and banish the Grumpy Mommy Mornings. So let us all seek Him, no matter what.

One day I was driving home from church and passed a big, shiny, brand new pick-up truck. It was a beauty…and it was grey. Oh, did I mention that it was really shiny with lots of chrome and cool lights. Did I tell you that it was impressive like the trucks on the commercials that are driving haphazardly through large mud puddles and hauling tons of important, manly looking items? That is about all of the technical details I can recall about this truck. If my husband had seen it, he could tell you the make, the model, the year and several important facts about it. Then he would say with a frustrated but wistful longing, “I would love to have a truck like that!”

I would love for my husband to be able to have a truck like that! He has owned at least 4 different pick-up trucks, all of them used. All of them needed a lot of repairs and were more trouble than what they were worth, in my opinion. But Chris does do a lot of hauling and hard work, and loves pick-up trucks. As I passed this particular grey truck, I wondered to myself, “What would it feel like to be able to own a truck like that? What would it feel like to be successful enough to turn Chris’ dream into a reality?”

God used that grey truck to shine a light on the inner workings of my heart. I realized that my definition of success was this: having enough money to buy an expensive new truck. Then I thought about my vision for our future, a future where Chris and I had been successful. I saw our family living in our dream house we had found on the internet. The one that has seven bedrooms, six bathrooms and ten acres. We were able to pay all our bills on time. We were able to buy a new camper. We were able to take time off from work to use that great new camper on vacations with all the children. We had enough space and time and money to open our home to missionaries needing some R &R, and maybe we even developed a ministry to special needs children on our lovely property.

In my vision, our future was so beautiful and we were so prosperous…and comfortable. My idea of success is the American dream: to work hard to earn a good life and then be able to enjoy that good life. Dictionary.reference.com defines the American dream as: a life of personal happiness and material comfort as traditionally sought by individuals in the U.S.

Exactly! That is what I wanted! Isn’t that what we all want?

But is that what God wants for us? Is that His best for us? What is God’s definition of success?

Jesus said that we should seek his kingdom first. Isn’t his kingdom all about…well, HIM?? Isn’t it all about knowing Jesus and having relationship with him and becoming like him? Anything that distracts us from knowing him is no success at all.

I realized that my definition of success was infinitely too small. A shiny grey truck could make me happy when the most beautiful, powerful, captivating treasure was waiting in the wings…waiting to be sought out, to be discovered, to be experienced, and to be loved. And that treasure was waiting to show me his love, to blow apart my mindsets and wreck my American dream if necessary to bring me to himself.

“You will not measure true spiritual fruit rightly while you are in the earth. You can only measure your true success by how much more clearly you are able to behold the LORD, by how much better you know His Voice, and by how much more you love the brethren.

“You must not try to judge by the fruit that you see on earth, but do what you must because it is right.

“Even so, more that bearing fruit, your call must be to know the LORD. If you seek Him you will always find Him. He is always near to those who draw near. ..There is no higher purpose. Your victory will be measured by your seeking. You will always be as close to Him as you want to be. Your victory in life will be according to your desire for him” – The Call

A new idea of success was forming in my mind. To know Jesus more each day. To look into his eyes every moment and see his great love for me. To live in that love. To be able to see the face of God clearly enough to make out when he is smiling. To desire to make him smile with my every thought and word and deed. What joy and peace that would bring to any circumstance of life that I might find myself in.

That, my friends, is true success!