God

A Hard, Hard Season (My 11th Pregnancy and Postpartum)

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

I haven’t written very much in the past 3 years.  I haven’t posted anything on my blog since 2023.  I have so much inside, and it is time to get it out.  I fear exposure and being too vulnerable, but I also know my story is not just my own. I know there are others out there who have lived through a hard, hard season and may be haunted by the trauma left behind.

I want to tell my story of God’s goodness in it all!

               The year 2023 started with many God encounters.  I experienced the love of God as my father and my mother in deeper ways than I had before.  Jesus started opening my heart to His romantic advances.  I had knowledge of this divine romance, but had little experience with it. Jesus was wooing me!  Waves and waves of His love would roll over me culminating at the Women’s Encounter in March (called Waves) when I discovered that I was pregnant at 47 with baby 11. I was so thrilled!  Intimacy produces good fruit, doesn’t it?

               I had so much faith for this season.  I prayed that God would redeem all trauma from my 10th pregnancy and birth. I prayed for supernatural healing and for the best pregnancy and birth yet!  I heard through a couple sources a word from God, “I will give you all that you have asked for (1 Kings 5:8).” 

               I asked for a homebirth that would redeem the nightmare homebirth turned ambulance ride from 5 years ago.  But the health care professionals I reached out to labeled me “high risk.”  God worked a miracle!  I friend introduced me to a “Crunchy Mama” Facebook page which introduced me to a “Homebirth” page which introduced me to a midwife who was currently pregnant with her 10th, in her 40s, and had successfully delivered many women like me at home.

               I struggled to get through the first trimester, but that is always the case for me.  I was looking forward to the second trimester and taking the family vacation we had already planned for June.  That beautiful, glorious vacation at a house along the Loyalsock Creek began my descent into despair.  I had been hoping to be full of energy for every family outing, but I had to push myself to do anything.  I still was nauseous from the first trimester, but the aches and pains plus varicose veins from the third trimester were already upon me. I had picked out the cutest outfit to wear on a date with Chris, but alas, I was already too big to wear it! Feeling old, big, and ugly; I still looked for a God encounter.

God speaks to me on every vacation we take, and this year we had revisited the area where I had first spotted an eagle. I had purchased a photo of the eagle at the Hills Grove General Store right before I walked outside and saw the eagle in person!  That was six years ago, and what a wonderful adventure it has been, learning to soar with God above the earth. I tell all about it in previous blog post , and part 2

               We planned a trip to the same store which is now called the McCarthy Mercantile.  It looked much the same, but no eagles inside or outside! That was on Tuesday. On Wednesday I was talking to God about seeing an eagle again. It had been such a long time since I had seen one.  We were leaving Saturday morning, and I didn’t want my God encounter to slip away.  I was standing by an open window, listening to the rushing water of the creek outside. What a calming sound.

               “This time it isn’t about the eagle.  It is about the water,” I heard God say.

               Oh, it was so good to hear His voice!  But what did He mean?  I loved the symbol of the eagle dearly and missed it.  I pictured the waterfall that Much-Afraid beheld in Hinds Feet on High Places. The water was joyfully leaping down the mountain, to be broken on the rocks and to flow ever lower until it met with the expanse of the ocean. 

               “Am I supposed to be like that? To go lower and lower and to pour myself out like a drink offering?  To not care if I live or die.  To be happy about sorrow and suffering?”

               This thought was not nearly as thrilling as soaring like an eagle.  Even though I knew that God is always good and loving, I felt discouraged.

               “This isn’t what I wanted, what I was hoping for,” I whispered to Him.  If He offered me comfort, I did not hear it.

               As the second trimester was nearing the third, I couldn’t resolve my severe anemia, and I blamed it for all my weird symptoms like shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and an unsteadiness that hindered me from walking in a straight line.  I was supposed to be out walking, but I felt like I couldn’t walk!  I was supposed to be doing exercises, but I felt like I could hardly move. I finally received an iron infusion and prayed that it would work since my midwife had been threatening to transfer my care to Divine Mercy Hospital.

               It worked, at least my bloodwork said it did.  But I felt no different. I wondered how I was going to get through my third trimester with this feeling and my core muscles already threatening to give out on me completely. Despite God’s love for me, one thought kept returning.

               “If God loves me so much, why would He want me to suffer?”

               In September I had a dream that felt very spiritual.  In my dream, I was on vacation in the mountains at a Christian Retreat Center.  I was sleeping so much that I hadn’t even seen the mountains.  I saw two of my other friends heading out for a hike, and I didn’t want them to think that I couldn’t handle my pregnancy, so I rushed to follow them.  My five-year-old daughter Aria joined me. 

               When we stepped out to take a walk, we found ourselves viewing a cityscape like New York City.  We were in a high rise with floor to ceiling glass and the view was amazing!  I saw some very large birds flying among the skyscrapers and stepped closer to the glass.  Could they be eagles?

               One bird started flying straight for me and in excitement I thought, “This could be my God Encounter!”

               The eagle flew right up to the glass and hovered there. It was much larger than I had first thought.  Horror filled my heart as I saw what the eagle really was. It was covered with fluffy white feathers, and one wing had been mangled.  The bloody twisted bones protruded where the feathers had been stripped.  But it’s face!  Not the face of an eagle but the face of a man.  A man with chalky white skin and pink and red makeup drawn haphazardly around the eyes, like a clown you would see in a horror movie.  Oh, how I wished that Aria wasn’t with me to witness this dreadful sight.

               I saw the expression on the ghastly face.  It was smiling at me. No, smirking at me.  It knew something I didn’t know and was wickedly happy about it.

Mocking me as though it was saying, “So you have trusted God?  I am going to enjoy picking you apart bit by bit.”

               I woke up with a start and didn’t know what to think.  The next few days the face of that eagle would flash through my mind and each time my trauma response increased.  Finally, I sought God and asked Him to explain it to me.

               He answered in His gentle way, “That is how you are seeing me right now.  You feel sorry for yourself because you feel mistreated by me. You wonder if I am good and you wonder if I love you.  Take that belief system to the ultimate end and you get a God who delights in torturing you.  That is not who I am.”

               I felt ashamed!  Yet unable to get out from under it.  Finally, I told Chris about the dream and how I felt about God telling me that it is not about the eagle this time but the water.  He helped to bring me out of my hormonal haze and show me reality. He saw the water as a very positive thing. He sent me a video of water flowing over a dam so I could hear the sound whenever I needed it.  When I listened to it, I heard, “Nothing bad has happened.”  I was fearing and worrying over many things, but none of them had manifested…except my sorrow and suffering.  How to bear up under it?

               Pastor Charles had been doing a series on Strongholds, and I realized that I had one: a mindset impregnated with hopelessness about situations contrary to God’s will that I had accepted as unchangeable.  I was sitting in church listening, but pain in my back and neck wouldn’t allow me to stay any longer. I had to get up and go to the bathroom.  A dear friend and prayer counselor, Lori, was in the ladies’ room, and she asked me how I was doing.  I probably mustered a “pretty good” or “ok”, but actually I was in the depths of despair.  Lori looked me in the eyes and said, “Are you depressed?”  I don’t think I have ever answered “yes” to the question before, but I did this time.

               She whisked me off to her prayer room and, oh the tears and wonderful words of God that were released there.  It was a lifeline to keep me going.

               I texted Chris, who was still in the service, about where I was.  He forgot to check his phone, so after the service, he had many of the women scouring every nook and cranny of the church to find me.  He was worried enough to organize a search party, and I felt so loved!

               The rest of my pregnancy became about trusting moment by moment, getting as comfortable as I could, and sleeping.  I was able to sleep 14 hours a day and still felt exhausted, but how glorious was the sleep!  I began to visualize how I wanted my labor to go.  The bulk of the contracting and dilating would happen while I slept.  I would wake up to discover that my baby had dropped into position.  He would slide out easily. I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore!  I could eat whatever I wanted!  I could sit and nurse to my heart’s content!  I could meet this mysterious little man who flipped and twisted and laid himself out diagonally inside me.

               At 38 weeks I received a phone call from my midwife. She explained that my bloodwork came back with some very bad numbers, and she was worried that I had a condition I had never heard of before (some rare form of preeclampsia).  She used a lot of words, but I understood almost none of them.  She wanted me to pack a bag and go to Divine Mercy to be induced immediately!   I wanted to collapse in bed and wail, but I had visitors sent by Ashlyn’s case worker to set up care for her.  I got through the meeting and received another call from the midwife. 

               “I called Divine Mercy. They told me that your bloodwork isn’t as bad as I thought. I can monitor you until you deliver, and if your blood pressure doesn’t go up and your bloodwork doesn’t get worse, you should be fine. But you must take your blood pressure twice a day, eat protein every hour, and double your water intake,” she said. 

Now I had many more hoops to jump through to secure my homebirth but…phew!  I was incredibly relieved!!      

               This baby was going to come early…any day now, I just knew it.  He was so heavy and so low, he just had to be ready.  My midwife had explained that mothers of many babies tend to go late because their bellies have been overextended and the baby isn’t in line with the birth canal.  I faithfully taped up my belly as far as I could manage with kinesiology tape and tried not to bother with how itchy it was. Everyday I went to bed with the expectation, “This could be the night.”  Every morning, I woke up pregnant.  I experienced contractions while I slept. Just mild ones that wouldn’t wake me up but would be in my dreams. Finally at almost 40 weeks, I stopped thinking that baby Camden would come early and just said to myself, “I made it through this day, I can make it through another,” and would fall asleep in peace.  Now I was getting stronger contractions at night that would wake me up, but I was able to go back to sleep.

               Finally on Dec 4th, only 3 days overdue, the glorious morning came when the contractions didn’t stop.  I experienced a redeeming home birth that played out much like I prayed that it would.  Except that it wasn’t easy or pain free. It was the most painful of the 11. 

And there was a little trouble afterwards with a sudden flow of blood that convinced the midwife and my husband that I was minutes away from dying.

This prompted a 911 call and a flurry of activity that changed the entire atmosphere: from relaxed and comfortable bliss to frantic and jarring fear.  Thankfully, I quickly stabilized, and the ambulance was canceled.  Chris said it was the prayer team he had assembled in a matter of seconds.  The midwife said it was Camden who saved me as he nursed and looked at me with wide eyes.  I said I was never going to die and felt just fine (until I tried to stand and walk).

Overall, it was a beautiful, fast homebirth to a robust and healthy boy! I was so thankful!

There was the small detail of a strange man pushing his way into my bedroom to ask me questions while I nursed my baby, still laying naked on my bed. The ambulance hadn’t been canceled after all! That indecency haunted me for months afterward.

               I finally asked Chris, “Why didn’t any of you think to cover me in that moment?”

               “You should be glad to be alive!  You need to remember all the miracles God has done for us,” he would reply.  And he would list them again and again.  I wrote them down and meditated on them.  It was truly stunning what God had done for us!

               Yet I found myself weeping often: when Camden wasn’t gaining enough weight, when I recovered so slowly, when I noticed how hard it was on the rest of the family, when I felt like a burden, when I wasn’t even good at my main job – nursing.  Finally, Chris called Lori and had her talk to me while I lay on our bed, exhausted.  Again, I was able to release tears and trauma and except His love.

That was the turning point where I left depression behind and embraced this new season before me. I love the newborn stage and tried to enjoy every minute: through homeschooling, through nursing and making of homemade formula, through Chris’ transition from a good, steady income with health insurance to owning a business with no guarantees.   We also had so many good times with our children and many opportunities to experience grace.

Summer and then autumn came again. I felt God leading me to homeschool my two high school boys in addition to the other 3 younger children.  I had never done high school before because it was just too difficult. It is just like God to give me this assignment while I was still feeling like my pregnancy had left me much weaker than before. He believed in me.

I had pruned my life down to the essentials: sleeping, eating, praying, taking care of my family and then cleaning, cooking, and homeschool if there was time.  It was hard to get the family all to church. Hanging out with friends became a very rare treat. I had dropped out of women’s prayer.  I wasn’t posting any blog articles or interacting much on social media.  In October I felt compelled to dedicate Camden at church.  I just had to release a spoken testimony about this miracle baby, or I was going to bust!  He was happy, healthy, and developing perfectly.

A few days after Camden’s first birthday I was able to attend the Women’s event in December. It was very powerful and Marcey started us out with a quote from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”.

Aslan said to Lucy and Susan after his resurrection, “Climb onto my back, we have far to go, and little time to get there.”

I pictured Grace carrying me all this time.  That was the only way I was going to get anywhere important.

Marcey said, “This will be the ride of our lives. It will be hard, but I don’t want you to disqualify yourselves. We need all of us. We need to surrender to Him.”

She was speaking right to me and igniting a fire.  I didn’t just want to survive; I wanted to run my race again and let Grace carry me to places unknown.

Each woman had been given a little journal with a personalized word printed on the inside. My word was, “UNBROKEN.”  I pulled mine out and started writing.

We watched a clip of the movie and Aslan was talking again after his resurrection, “If they [those who had killed him on the stone table] would have understood the power of sacrifice, they would have interpreted the ancient prophecy differently.  When someone who has committed no treason, willingly gives themselves up, the stone table will crack, and death itself will begin to move backwards.”

The power of sacrifice – the phase seemed to burn into my mind.

“Is that what you have been doing in my life the past two years?” I asked God.  Each moment of weakness, pain, depression, shame, and seeming defeat that I had gone through…could it be that there was power in it?  My sacrifice to carry my 11th miracle child contained within it little gems of power to bring God’s glory to the earth?  I didn’t realize it at the time, but perhaps my feeble attempts to praise God and follow Him through the sacrifice were like little altars, the smoke of sweet-smelling incense rising to heaven and pleasing God?

A vision of the evil eagle from my dream popped into my mind again.  It still plagued me from time to time.  It brought shame when I remembered it, because I thought it was just my subconscious mind showing me how I viewed God, a reminder of how far I had fallen from my lovesick devotion prior to becoming pregnant. 

I heard a whisper from God, “Your enemy showed you his face.  He thought he could take you out, take your baby out, take your family out. Not once did he pluck you out of my hands. Your life and purpose were secure the entire time.  You remain UNBROKEN.”

Peace began to chase away the shame.  I asked God what I should do with the image of the devilish eagle.  I began to surrender to God and saw a rushing river.  The water was so dark, it was black.  I couldn’t see how deep it was or where it was going.  The eagle circled above the river.  Dark water in the form of great black arms reached for the bird. The water pulled my enemy down into the river and the eagle was completely consumed, never to be seen again.

I prayed, “I surrender to your river, your living water.  It feels like a risk – I can’t see the bottom; it is so dark. I can’t discern where it is going.  I don’t know what will happen to me.  Will I sink, swim, or float?”

It seemed like I received an immediate answer from the LORD as Yadira’s voice broke through, “This is a new day.  You have been tested and purified.  You have been given a double portion of faith. A new assignment.  You are being commissioned for a new assignment.  Surrender to whatever God wants.”

A new surrender

A deeper surrender

A holy surrender

The perfect conclusion to a hard, hard season.             

How God Encountered Me at the 2023 Women’s Encounter

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

Last year at this time I wrote about “How God Encountered Me at the 2022 Women’s Encounter.” I ended the article with a look into the future, “I know that I will find Him in unexpected ways in the midst of the ‘Waves’, The Women’s Encounter March 24-25, 2023.”

That was an understatement! I found God in extremely unexpected ways…here is my story…

I was so excited for “Waves”, the Women’s Encounter in March 2023. Not only could I take in the presence of God in the worship, hear His voice through the preaching, and connect to other women, I could also pray on the ministry team. I looked at my calendar about a week before, and I realized that I would be experiencing my time of the month all Encounter weekend.  Not ideal, but I had no worries. 

              On Thursday I thought my period was coming early.  Out of the blue, a wave of sorrow crashed into me. I wasn’t even aware that I had wanted to be pregnant, but just then I felt empty, alone, and forsaken. Immediately I was bombarded by thoughts like,

              “I am not as important without a new life inside.  I am not as valuable.  I could disappear right now, and no one would notice.”

              Despite fighting against these thoughts, I fell into a depressed funk, so different from my previous excitement and hope.  Friday night of the Encounter arrived, and I was still expecting my flow to start any moment.

               Worship was beautiful.  Jesus came to me in a vision.  He and I were standing on a beach, face to face.  The waves were lapping at our feet. It was just Him and me. No earth, no universe, no other people.  I had never done anything right or anything wrong.  I had been stripped to my most elemental being, the being He had created. Nothing was required of me except to receive His love.  Yet I couldn’t help but love Him back!  Suddenly it didn’t matter if I was carrying the tiny seed of a child, or if I was empty.  He loved me.  Just me.  Always and forever me.  And I was His perfect match. 

              Peace washed over me. Little thoughts still skirted around the edges of my mind, in and out of the peace.

              “What if I am pregnant?  Will I be strong enough?  What if I am not pregnant?  Will I be sad?  What if my fertility is at its end? What if it isn’t?!!!”

              I received my scripture, Matt 6:33-34 (MSG):

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions.  Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

I viewed the rest of the weekend through incredible peace. At the same time, I had babies on the brain. Yadira spoke about “This time next year.”  What incredible things would God do in us by this time next year?  I kept thinking, “Maybe I will have a baby at this time next year.”

              Sue spoke about the WAVES (Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service) during WWII when women were released and activated to help in the war effort, to do things that women had never done before.  I kept thinking of women returning to their homes with unexpected pregnancies or other unforeseen circumstances to embrace motherhood in new and amazing ways.

The first woman I prayed for during the ministry time said she wanted to have a baby.  I was so excited and said, “That is one of my favorite prayers.  I have faith for that!”

              Saturday morning came and still no period. I was a bit distracted and didn’t even know what was coming out of my mouth during the prayer times. I found out later that at least one woman felt that my prayer for her was a word from God that gave her fresh fire for her ministry.  This just proves that God really can speak through anyone at any time if He wants to.  I also got to pray for two wombs to be filled!

              Sunday morning came, still no period. Our family went to church, and when it was time to take communion, I found two wafers in my small container. I felt that communion was significant, and it was healing me.

              During the lovely sunny afternoon, Chris announced to me, “I can’t wait any longer.  I am going to pick up a pregnancy test right now!”

              Soon we were both in the bathroom watching two confident lines burst forth. Chris and I just looked at each other with equal parts awe, wonderment, and shock. 

Funny how two little lines can change everything for all eternity!

              Excitement and some fear came rushing in.  My last pregnancy and labor, five years prior, had been very difficult and traumatic.  I asked Chris if he would fast and pray for me and the baby. His eyes became misty, and he gave me a heartfelt, “yes!”

              Still on a high from the Women’s Encounter, I felt that this pregnancy would be a redemption of all that went wrong last time.  This became my constant prayer.  Since my encounter with Jesus had been so amazing, I was expecting this pregnancy to be glorious, easy, and fun!

              I started to feel more tired, dizzy, and forgetful. I had cramps off and on with spotting for weeks. All the emotionally charged fears began to come.

              I tried to remember my verse, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.”

              After Easter, I felt my normal first trimester symptoms. They were different and worse than ever!  Perhaps it was the severe anemia. Soon I had the sick feelings of the first trimester and all the aches and pains of the third trimester manifesting at once, and it was only June!  My due date was Dec. 1st.

I began to think that this pregnancy was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done.

              I began to lose heart.  I began to believe the voice of the Accuser that told me that I was a wretch for going back on all God had shown me.  Soon I was battling depression.  I was accusing my own loving Father by saying, “I am willing to carry as many babies as you have for me, but why do I have to suffer so much to do it?  I thought you loved me.  Why do you want me to suffer?”

              I encountered many good scriptures about suffering, but hope and joy seemed hard to find.  I could sleep for 14 hours in a day and still be exhausted. Every time I went to lay in my bed, I would see the little glass bottle from the Women’s Encounter on my headboard.  It contained sand and a single word, “Stronger.”  God showed me so many scriptures about strength and how strength comes from God.  I would say to myself with the small amount of faith I had, “God is making me stronger and stronger” and then I would surrender to His arms and to sleep.

              I tried to live in the presence of Jesus, in His love.  I got little glimpses, but it seemed much harder than before.  I wished I had already learned the lessons from the various speakers at the Waves Encounter.

Patty had shared about how God can rescue His promises from the depths of the grave.  When we face trials there is the temptation to trade what we know (the faithful love of God) for what we don’t know (why did this trial or tragedy happen).  I had fallen to that temptation and now I felt that God had betrayed my trust in the worst possible way. Disappointment was my constant companion.

              A friend of mine who does prayer ministry helped me through this.  She encouraged me to let God love me in my disappointment, to let Him love me through my feelings of betrayal.  He wasn’t shocked or angry about how I had reacted to suffering.  His love remained the same.  He wanted to love me no matter what shape I was in, no matter how I raged against Him.

              I could relate to what Katie had shared at the Encounter when she felt lost at sea during a hard season.  She found that Jesus was in the boat with her.  He was crying with her.  He understood her emotions and she could trust Him. I was relearning that simple truth.

              After the most painful contractions I had ever felt, my baby boy was born on Dec 4th, strong and healthy.  The following weeks were full of joy and sorrow.  Depression threatened me again as I searched for the bliss of childbirth and nursing.  I would talk to Chris about it and start crying, “It just hasn’t been what I was expecting.  Labor was hard.  Camden isn’t nursing well. The midwife is concerned about his weight gain. I am sooooo tired!”

              Chris got in the habit of talking about all the little miracles that happen before, during and after birth. 

              “Just think about the miracles today,” he would tell me, and I remembered Janelle’s testimony at the Encounter. 

              “Gratitude is the way forward through grief,” she had said. So gratitude became my habit again.  I stopped begging God to do what I wanted. I began to ask for grace to be and to do what He wanted. I asked Him what He was doing.  

After some time passed, my pain went away, my baby was nursing like a champ, and he and I were sleeping at night.  

I began to see:

The answers to my prayers. 

The fulfillment of His Promises.

The little miracles that revealed His love for me. 

              I had a healthy pregnancy at age 47.

              I gave birth at home with only 4 hours of intense labor.

              My baby was healthy and strong, with an APGAR score of 10!

I watched as God redeemed all the trauma from the last pregnancy and birth.

              Looking back on last year’s Encounter, I think that the more impactful the encounter, the more glorious the vision, the more earth-shaking the revelation; the harder the subsequent journey. 

              Why? Jesus knows what we need to become like Him. He knows what is coming next.  He wants to love us, encourage us, and get us ready for deeper places with Him.

I have found that the only way to keep my peace during the journey is to surrender to the waves of His love.  To let them carry me where He wills, knowing that the promise is sure, and the reward is better than I can imagine.

Get up on Stage and Share a Word of Healing? Not Me!

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

I love the atmosphere at Life Center especially when it is packed with 800 women of faith, seeking God together.  Friday night of the 2022 Women’s Encounter was very powerful with worship, teaching, and every woman receiving a scripture.

               My scripture was Matt 16:19, “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.”

               I had long known this scripture and believed it…or thought I believed it.  I believed it in my head in a theological way.   This time when I read it, it felt like the Father God was speaking to me specifically, literally handing me the keys.

               “For me?! Really?” I responded.

               Then He reminded me of the scripture a friend had given me on my birthday.

Is 22:22, “And the Keys of the house of David shall be on his shoulder. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.”

               Again, I felt God hand me the keys, and it finally clicked in my Spirit. 

               I HAVE THE KEYS!!!

               That night I was on the ministry team.  One woman told me of the serious, chronic effects of Lyme disease on her body.  She was so sweet and cheerful. I took those keys the best I knew how and forbid the disease and effects to remain in her body and released health and life.

               Later, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time and learned that she was still struggling with Lyme disease.  Being a young mother with many children and a husband who worked long hours, I didn’t understand how she coped with it.  She was a hero in my eyes, and I used those keys again to pray for her, to bind and loose.

               The next morning, as I was preparing for the final day of the Women’s Encounter, I began to pray for those women.  I wanted to see them healed, to see their suffering ended, to see them free!  I was singing and praying in the shower and I found myself singing,

“The voice of the Lord will cause infections to turn around and flee!” 

               I sang it repeatedly, full of faith.  I thought perhaps this was a word from the LORD that He wanted me to share during the conference.  I thought sure there was a scripture that would match, but I just couldn’t find it.  If I couldn’t back it up with scripture, perhaps it wasn’t a word from the Lord… exactly. I began to think that I shouldn’t share from the stage and felt relief from the nervousness that had descended upon me.

               I found my seat in the sanctuary and felt peace. The service began with the lovely MC, Sam, reading out a scripture that had been texted to her that morning, Ps 68:11-12.

               “The Lord gives the command; a great company of women proclaim it: Kings and their armies flee in haste; she who waits at home divides the plunder.”

               The verses hit me with an uncommon power as if God was saying, “You need a scripture? Here it is.”

               I knew for certain that He wanted me to give the word.  Inside I started to tremble with fear. I sat in my seat during worship and wrestled with myself and God. So stupid to do that, right? Why not just obey immediately and wholeheartedly? Why?!  Because I couldn’t possibly walk up on the stage and give a word of healing.  I had not actually prayed for someone and witnessed a miraculous healing. 

Who was I to do such a thing?

               The following interaction with God was one of the more humorous ones in my life.  He cleared His throat and simply nodded with His head toward two images that had popped into my head.  First was of the scripture I had received that night before, my subsequent commitment to believe it, and the keys that were now in my hands.  Second was the verse on my mirror at home that read, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.  I couldn’t use my weakness as an excuse. It was His strength and not mine after all.

               “OK Dad, I CAN technically do this…but I really don’t want to,” I answered.

               Soon I realized, “I must do this.  My Father is telling me to do this, and I cannot disobey. I can try at least.  If it doesn’t work out, doesn’t fit in the schedule, or doesn’t go along with what the leaders are getting from the Holy Spirit, at least I can try.”  

               Then I contemplated the best way to go about it.              

               “I need to ask the leadership who are all the way up front.” 

               I remained in my seat for a few fearful moments, trying to work out what I should say. Then I started walking.  I ran into two friends and talked for a few minutes, all the while thinking, “Worship is going to end soon, and then I will lose my chance, and this will get really awkward.”

               Finally I made it up to the Lovely MC and told her, “I think God has given me a word of healing.”

               She said, “Let me go ask Marcey.”

               She returned in a moment and handed me the microphone and said, “Go for it!”

               I grabbed the microphone, made sure it was on, and marched up on stage, not knowing what to do.  I think God worked it out, because the band was just playing music, no words were being sung.  The worship leader was playing the keyboard with her eyes closed.  I tapped her shoulder and said, “I have a word” while slightly lifting the microphone, and she nodded.

               I stood in front of the hundreds of women and God took over and spoke through me.  I am not 100% sure exactly what I said, but it felt like God, it felt like faith, it felt like power. It went something like this.

               “I think God wants to heal Lyme disease.  I prayed for two beautiful women last night who are suffering the effects of Lyme disease.  I so want them to be healed. I was praying about it again this morning and I heard God say, ‘The voice of the LORD will cause these infections to turn around and flee.’  Then Sam shared Ps 68. ‘The LORD gives the word and great is the company of women who proclaim it.’

               “We are that great company of women!  God’s words are in your mouth, and you can speak the word of the Lord to yourself and to the women around you.  The word of the Lord is in my mouth. ‘Kings and armies will flee before us!’

               “So I speak the word of the LORD – Lyme disease, all infections- viral, bacterial, fungal, COVID – you must turn around and flee right now.  I speak health and life to every body.  Shalom, peace to every person here and to our families and those who are at home.  Life and health in Jesus’ name!”

               The women in the sanctuary were getting excited and praying and shouting with me.  It felt like a God moment!  I quickly walked off the stage and handed the microphone back to Sam.  She hugged me and said, “Thank you!”  Another dear friend hugged me and said, “Good job girl.”

               On my way back to my seat, a woman pulled me aside and told me that her daughter had Lyme disease and it was awful.  It was very loud in the sanctuary, so I asked the mother and daughter to come out to the lobby. I prayed for the young woman; prayers fueled by the faith of our shared God moment.  Prayers that she would have a long and exciting life ahead of her without disease.  She would have energy and strength again and soar like an eagle.

               Later during the ministry time a dear friend shared with me that she had been suffering with the after effects of COVID.  Her uncle told her she would never be free from it. When she heard me begin to talk on stage she prayed, “Let her say COVID. Let her say COVID. Let her say COVID.”

When I did, tears began to stream down her face, and she felt hope rise within her like it hadn’t done in a long time.

               I was humbled that God would use my voice to rekindle her hope.  Hope I didn’t even know she needed, because I didn’t know what she had been dealing with.

I realized that because I was willing to make my personal prayer time with God public, God could multiply the impact.

A year later this friend has told me that almost all the after effects of COVID have left her body.

               What seems like a scary leap of faith for me is easy for God! To rekindle healing, life, peace, and hope is what He always does.

Thoughts of a Mother of a Special Needs Adult

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 6 Comments

Ashlyn has been an adult for a year now.  I am not sure how I feel about it.  When she was little enough to be carried, her intellectual and physical disabilities were not a big deal.  I hoped that each year would bring new accomplishments and new abilities. I believed that someday her body would straighten and strengthen, that her brain would catch up, and that she could attend a normal class at school.

               I did everything I could to help these dreams come to pass with research, healthy living, and therapies.  We had some breakthroughs, but as she got older, the gap between Ashlyn and her “normal” peers widened.  You can read about our journey in, “An Answer for the Guilt of Motherhood.”

She developed a progressive club foot deformity and needed surgery to walk.  To read the entire story click here and to see the one-year update after surgery, click here.

               A brachiation ladder in the form of a walking track was a beacon of hope to me.  Ashlyn used it to walk upright on her own for most of her childhood.

I thought it would help her feet flatten and her back straighten, but they continued to get worse.  In 2018, Ashlyn had a spinal fusion surgery because her scoliosis had progressed.  She did wonderfully with the surgery and the results were amazing!

Again, I thought that the walking track would help straighten and strengthen her muscles. In 2021 we had to move the walking track out of our living room for a remodel. I wasn’t ready to give up the hope that walking track had given me; that Ashlyn would walk on her own someday, that she would even run!

We moved the walking track outside so Ashlyn could still use it.  She rarely did.  She never wanted to.  I felt guilty for not forcing her to do it as part of our daily routine, but the truth was, walking was becoming less and less beneficial to her.  Her feet had continued to turn after her surgery, and her braces hurt them if she walked too much.  Her toes pointed inward, and her knees rubbed together unnaturally. Her back was not as straight as initially after the spinal fusion, and she would habitually hunch over and lean to the left.

Night before surgery
11 days after surgery
2 1/2 years after surgery

I gave up hope that the walking track would help her walk.  Each passing year brought a slight increase in her disabilities.  She was gaining weight but not gaining muscle.  Her gait and her posture could no longer be corrected by outside forces.  Her mobility was so dysfunctional. It gave her a measure of independence: walking with a walker for short distances or crawling around the house.

She now reminds me of my mom who lives in assisted living and who won’t move an inch without her walker; except that Mom is in her golden years and Ashlyn is just starting her adult life!  If Ashlyn has such problems now, what will her body be like in 10 years, in 30 years?

I finally told Chris that he could take down the walking track and use the wood for other purposes.

I grieved that day.  I grieved the loss of my dream.  I grieved for my daughter who has not been healed. I grieved for her twisted, painful body. I grieved for her mind that understands some but not all.  I grieved for her past, all that could have been done differently that may have made a difference.  I grieved for her present.  I grieved for her future.

               In this season of mourning, there was a new beginning!

               It happened that the children’s playset broke at that same time.  Chris had an idea to fulfill another long-time dream of mine.  He and our sons took the wood and created a garden!

A garden!  I felt so loved.  New life!  Growing and thriving things!  I was amazed by how quickly everything grew in the untested soil of my backyard.

Problem after problem began to pop up, and each one sent me into a downward spiral of dismal imaginations.  First the delicate, pink climbing roses developed powdery mildew.  (I had discovered the roses on the side of the road, and I dug them up and replanted them in my garden.  I smiled to myself while I was doing it, because my Grammy had loved plants so much, she would dig them up all over the US and take them back to her home in Wisconsin.  She did have one of the prettiest yards in the city of Wausau!) I didn’t know what powdery mildew was at first, not until I had to cut the roses to the ground.  I worried that my inexperience would lead to the demise of the beautiful clematis plant given to me by a friend.  I was imagining a garden that was white, powdery, and dead.

Thankfully no other plant was affected by the blight, and I learned how to deal with it. Next came that snap peas that took turns becoming brown and shriveled.  I imagined it was bacterial wilt, and I because I didn’t pull them out immediately, my beautiful but somewhat wilted tomato plants had become infected and would be a complete loss.  Then I learned from my more experienced neighbor that the time for snap peas had passed.

The garden kept growing and the lettuce was wonderful!  Fresh salad from the garden felt like the most luxurious of pleasures.

What a tragedy that lettuce won’t grow all through the summer, but ready to take over in dominance were the tomatoes and cucumbers.  Nothing can compare to a homegrown tomato, and I ate some every day.

Only the cherry tomato plant produced well.  The other two plants grew lots of tomatoes but few that were good to eat.  I let them grow too wild and had a jungle by the end of summer.

We are a family of cucumber lovers, and the garden couldn’t produce them fast enough despite the abundance of seeds I had sown.  Perhaps I had too many plants too close together, or perhaps the soil wasn’t right.  They sure looked lovely though!

Soon, the leaves began to turn yellow and wilt.  I found the dreaded garden pest, the cucumber beetle, every time I inspected the leaves and flowers.  My neighbor had told me that I should kill them because they could carry bacterial wilt to the rest of the plants.  I imagined my garden languishing under their reign of terror.  Worse yet, I imagined my neighbor’s thriving garden being attacked by beetles that my plants had harbored.  I felt responsible for the carnage that was about to be unleashed…but never actually came. 

Again, I was overreacting.  Someone else told me that the yellow color was caused by the lantern flies, and if I sprayed the plants day and night with soap water, they would leave.  This did seem to help, but soon the cucumber plants were past their prime and I had to pull them out.  That left more sunshine for the cone flowers and evening primrose. They stopped producing blooms early in the season and never came back.  Perhaps next year I will not plant cucumber in front of them and they will be happier.

My pepper plants also had more sun, even though summer was fleeting, and they didn’t grow as large or colorful as they should have.  Still, I enjoyed every, last one of them. 

It was a successful first season, and I learned so many things that will make my garden better next year. Now it is frozen and barren, but hope is burning under the ground. 

Hope of spring, hope of new seeds, hope of new life in the next season.

What does all of this have to do with Ashlyn? I will not entertain my exaggerated, miserable thoughts of the future!  I will believe in God’s goodness! Hope is burning in my heart, under the surface.  Hope to sustain me through this day, this season.  My hope is Jesus.

Ashlyn is a senior this year.  I don’t know how to graduate her from home school, but it is going to happen!  She has been learning more each year, although she cannot read or do simple math.  She remembers so many facts that we have studied, yet she often refuses to give answers. She enjoys time with friends and family yet gets nervous in social situations.

She needed to get an ID when she turned 18.  She behaved very well at the DMV and could sign her own name!  I felt so proud!

Ashlyn’s braces that help her to stand and walk began rubbing on one of her ankle bones.  Finally, it was so painful that she couldn’t wear the braces anymore.  She had to crawl everywhere she wanted to go, which is what she prefers to do anyway.  I took her to a new foot doctor who was highly recommended. I was very underwhelmed with the experience.  After a brief look at the x-ray and a glance at her foot, he was ready to sign her up for another surgery (which is probably the only long-term option).

I am not ready to take her through another surgery!  We simply had new braces made and are hoping this will allow her to walk without pain.  She must always build up her endurance to new braces, but she can almost wear them fulltime now.

The doctor did give her a referral to Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation. The doctor there was wonderful, and I left the appointment with the stirrings of hope growing in my heart.  She did what every parent of a special needs child NEEDS a doctor to do.

  1. Listen with interest and compassion while we tell our child’s medical history and story.
  2. Approach our child with kindness and respect.
  3. Look at our child’s body as a whole unit, observing how each part effects every other part.
  4. Give us small, defined measures that we can take to improve the situation.

We left with some targeted exercises and some encouragement!

Someday Ashlyn’s body will be healed.  Someday she will be free.  Now she only sees in part, but someday she will perceive it all.  I don’t know when or how, but Ashlyn will have wholeness in her body, soul, and spirit.  Although her quirky habits and ways of speaking can be wearing on our nerves, and her disabilities can be shackles on our freedoms, I seek to value her as God does.  She is perceptive, caring, peaceful, and content (most of the time). She is a JOY!

I can hear Jesus saying in Luke 14:12-14, “When you put on a dinner, don’t invite friends, brothers, relatives, and rich neighbors! For they will return the invitation. Instead, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. Then at the resurrection of the godly, God will reward you for inviting those who can’t repay you.”

I catch glimpses of how precious Ashlyn is to Jesus. With His love, I try to love her well each day.  Each day I feel like I fail, but God rushes in! In the future when Ashlyn is whole, I can look into her knowing eyes and say, “I loved you the best that I was able.  And I trusted God with all the rest.”

The School Board Won’t Listen!  What Can a Parent do?

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

At the beginning of the 2021 school year, I was still homeschooling three children. The other three children wanted to return to public school. Masks had been made optional over the summer.  I suspected that the School Board would change their minds right as school resumed in the fall as they had done the previous year.  I wanted to keep my three sons enrolled in 21st Century Cyber Charter School which was a very good school. However, I went through the tedious work of enrolling my three boys back into the school district. 

                “I Made My Voice Be Heard” at a school board meeting in August.  I was so encouraged by what God had done in the parents, giving us boldness and confidence to speak.  The school board voted to make masks mandatory anyway, one week before school started. Not only that, but they had instituted policies that pushed experimental injections on the students as well as discriminated against the students who didn’t comply.

                I knew that this decision was likely, and this was just the beginning of the fight; not just for mask choice but also for medical freedom, parental rights, and true education that leads children to American Exceptionalism rather than socialism.

                But what to do now! One Week before School!

                I refused to submit my children to these man-made rules that violate their God given immune systems and Constitutional rights. 

“What is the big deal?” some might ask. It is just a mask, right? 

First it was just two weeks to flatten the curve.  Then it was mandatory masks during an emergency.  Now it is, “Submit to our rules or forfeit your education and career!”  What will it be next?

I cannot comply with something that violates my conscience.

                I decided that it was too late to switch back to 21st CCCS because the enrollment process takes a month. We opted for the district’s new cyber academy for Chai and Cooper.  We were not happy with the option, and it was a bumpy road getting it going. We enrolled Calvin in a private Christian school because he didn’t do well with cyber. 

                God has worked it all out for our good!

We love the private school, and it has been wonderful for Calvin!  The tuition was a stretch of faith, but God has provided!

The cyber academy has not been great. Chai and Cooper are begging me to put them back into 21st CCCS.  However, this alone is a breakthrough; for them to want to be enrolled in a school that just last year they said they hated! Plus, they can complete their cyber school in a few hours and still have time each day to work on their lawn care business.  This business has taught them more about hard work, honor, respect, customer service, business practices, and budgeting than public school ever could. They were able to save up enough money to buy a pick-up truck which will only expand their business!

                Another important blessing from this ridiculous governmental overreach is that many parents are waking up!  Before this “pandemic” I never knew who was on the school board, when their meetings were, or what they did during those meetings.  Many of us parents have learned a lot, gotten involved, and have demanded accountability.  School Boards are now on our radar!

                When this school year is over, I plan on enrolling Chai and Cooper in 21st CCCS.  Then all my six school-age children will be out of the school district.  I am so thrilled!  I love not getting emails about every COVID case and every issue going on in the district!  I love the freedom!

                I love the fact that my children do not have to strap on a mask and wait for the bus each morning.  I love that they don’t have to enter the school building and leave their rights and facial expressions at the door!  I love that I don’t have to worry about them getting detention for allowing their noses to pop out above the masks.  I love that I don’t have to think about quarantine protocols!

HOWEVER, THIS IS STILL MY TERRITORY!

MY LAND!

MY INHERITANCE!

I grew up here and graduated from the local High School. I still live in the district and pay their taxes and vote for the school board members.  I will not abdicate.

The Kingdom of God will rule and reign here and not a political machine!

                I have been asking God what He wants me to do. How do I stay involved?  How do I bring His kingdom to come here? The answer is not always clear and it may change from day to day.

                Cooper and Chai still do sports with the district.  Thank goodness they do not require masks outside! In November I went to the High School with Chai because he needed his picture taken for “Athlete of the Week.”  As I waited in the parking lot at the end of the school day, I watched the students emerge from the building and make their way home.  I prayed for them and wondered how each was doing this year; physically, emotional, and spiritually. 

                I spotted a bird overhead, above the building.  I saw a glint of white in the tail.  Chai quickly joined me in the truck, and I asked, “Do you see that bird?  Is that an eagle?”

                “Yeah, that looks like an eagle mom. I can see white in its head.” Chai replied. 

                As it circled, I could see clearly, IT WAS A BALD EAGLE!

Photo by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

                This was the 13th eagle that I have seen, and each time God has something to tell me.  Many of His messages have been about the coming revival.  (I heard Dutch Sheets tell a story during one of his Give Him 15 episodes.  He had been writing the episode about the next Great Awakening and he saw two bald eagles soaring above him in his back yard.  I was so excited to learn that God confirms the coming revival to Dutch in the same way He does for me!)

                I was stunned to see a bald eagle above the High School, a place I consider unfit for my children.  Immediately thoughts dropped into my mind with the force of the Holy Spirit.

                “God is right here, right now.  Revival is coming to this school and there is nothing that the school board can do to stop it!”

                In my imagination I began to see students kneeling in repentance, hugging other students with forgiveness and compassion, preaching about Jesus unashamed, and working miracles.  I began to see students who have been harmed in these past two years receive healing and restoration. I began to see students who have been depressed, cynical, or just bored begin to burn with a passion for truth and love. I began to imagine the answers to the prayers that friends and I had prayed in early morning prayer meetings when we attended high school in this district.

                “I have not forgotten your prayers,” I heard God whisper.

                My perspective just gotten elevated!  I wasn’t fighting against the men and women of the school board.  I was fighting principalities and powers, and Jesus has already won! 

He told me that revival is certainly coming! A divine visitation, a sovereign work of God!

The post from Give Him 15 for the day I saw the eagle confirmed this even more!

I did speak at the next Board Meeting after Eagle Sighting #13.  But I did it with a confidence that God has got this. I referenced the article I had emailed to all the members, “More Than 400 Studies on the Failure of Compulsory Covid Interventions.” I tried to speak truth the best I knew how, but only God can plow up the ground and water the seeds.  Only God can break the deception and change the hearts and minds.  I plan on going to the next meeting early to walk around the school campus and pray!  “Every place where you set your foot will be yours.” (Duet 11:24) If God gives me something to say, I will say it. “For to everyone I send you, you must go, and all that I command you, you must speak.” (Jer 1:7)

                I know that God will bring justice and make all things right.  Someday everyone will know the truth behind the propaganda.  But to stand with God now, when the truth is shrouded and most people can’t see it, that is my glory!  My small actions of prayer, emailing school board members, and speaking at the meetings may not dramatically turn the tide.  But they will help, even if just a little. 

And if I can be found standing with my LORD, doing what He is doing, saying what He is saying, when He comes in His glory…it will have been worth it.

Virginia Vacation 2021: a Lesson in Spiritual Warfare and the Goodness of God

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 4 Comments

Family vacations are so precious.  To get away and have new adventures with our children is a priority each year. As soon as Chris was able to pick his vacation in February, we had rented a cabin up north for a week in August.  We must have looked at 50 different cabins and weighted the pros and cons.  All the children voted, and we settled on a three-story log cabin overlooking a lake and acres of forest. We would visit my dad’s hometown and the New York Finger Lakes, maybe even the Corning Glass Museum.  We were so excited!

                Four weeks before our vacation, the owner of the cabin called and started out with, “I am so sorry but…”

She explained that her husband had accidently double booked our week because they had donated it to a “Make a Wish” child back in November. For a spilt second, I wanted to get mad and list all the reasons why we couldn’t change our plans.

A sweet breath of grace blew on me, and I felt God whisper, “I will work this for your good.”

                In turn, I extended grace to the property owner.  She offered us a free week anytime in the next year.  Wow!  A free vacation in 2022! God was already working it out for our good.

                My quest to find a new rental started with joyful expectation but soon deteriorated into dismay.  Almost everything was already rented.  What I could find was too small, too expensive, or too ugly!

                “God has something planned for us,” I kept thinking. I just couldn’t find it.

                Finally, a week later Chris found a listing on his VRBO app as we were taking a trip to King of Prussia with Cadin.  It was a new listing with a discounted price, four hours away in Virginia.  The house looked beautiful, and so did the surrounding 550 acres.

                When we arrived back home, laden with bags of books and Legos, Areli met us at the door.

                “I think I found the perfect place!” She told us.  “You have to see the pictures.  I will feel like I am in a Jane Austen novel.  Just the kind of place I was hoping for!”

                It was the same house Chris had found.  There were no reviews, which normally would turn me off, yet we felt that this was the place.  I spoke with the property manager on the phone, and she was wonderful.  We booked it!

                I was certain that God had something special for us on this vacation: divine appointments or treasures that we could only find four hours away.  Plus, the rent was $700 less than our previous cabin! I began to research the surrounding area and plan outings for the family.  Very close by was Goshen Pass, a spot on the Maury River where you could picnic, swim, and walk across a swinging cable bridge.

                “Could we jump off the bridge?” Chai asked.

                “What is your obsession with jumping off of things lately?” I asked him.  To him it was just fun.  He wondered if there were any waterfalls or cliffs around that they could jump from.

                “Not if I can help it,” I thought to myself. He didn’t realize that what brought him joy touched on one of my deep seated fears: watching a child fall from a high height while being powerless to save him. A vision of Chai getting tangled in the bridge and breaking his neck flashed into my mind.

                I dismissed the thought immediately.  This vacation was a blessing from God.  No matter what happened, He would work it out for our good.  I knew that there could still be many disappointments, irritations and failed expectations. I prayed that God would keep me in joy and peace the entire time.

                Two days before we were set to leave, Uhaul informed us that they had no 5×8 trailers available, but they were going to give us a 6×12. Chris was annoyed.  They are heavier, harder to pull, and would use more gas.

                “Maybe God has treasures to give us (like furniture) that we will need the extra room for,” I suggested.

                “Maybe,” Chris replied. 

                Later that night, as I got ready for bed, a thought dropped into my head with the force of an atomic bomb.

                “What if you need that extra room in your trailer to bring home a casket?  What if this is the trip when tragedy strikes and one of your children dies.  Would you still call that God’s goodness?”

                Fear descended upon me with a menacing power. I wasn’t sure how to answer that question, and I was afraid. I pushed away the fear and started declaring what I knew about God and all the scriptures I had put up on my mirror. 

                The next morning God gave me Ps 145 to read, and I was encouraged again!

On Saturday, we were up early loading our 6×12 trailer, checking and rechecking my extensive list.  I spent a long time packing three coolers with food.

                Finally, all the children were in the van and the trailer was locked up and ready to go.

                “Come on Cutie, the children are waiting.  Let’s get going.  I have walked through the house four times already.” Chris said.

                We began our journey with excitement and anticipation.  After four hours of driving and two hours of eating and exploring, we arrived at the very secluded Virginia homestead.  The big, white house was surrounded by cow pastures and mountain ridges. It would have been impressive back in 1850 when it was built.

                The inside was very large and spacious, and we all picked our rooms. The children erupted with pleasure upon finding more books, toys, and dress up clothes than they had ever imagined. The boys began attaching their climbing rope to the big tree out back and setting up their BB gun targets.

                Soon two coolers were unpacked into the tiny fridge in the tiny kitchen.  But where was the third one with all the frozen food? It had been left in our basement at home!  All my planning for nothing!  All my efforts spent buying the healthiest food at the cheapest prices for nothing! 

                I began yelling and ranting at anyone who was close by.

                “God will work this for the good!  Don’t worry!” kept playing in my head. Yet I continued to rage. How quickly I had let that peace and joy slip away.  I soon wore myself out and decided to repent and go back to trusting God that He would work this for our good.

                We used the food that we had and roasted sausages, veggies, and apples over the firepit.  We watched the children jump on the trampoline, throw frisbee, and set up tents in the yard while cows meandered in the pasture.  The sunset was lovely.

And the night sky?  One of the most stunning views of the handiwork of God.  I studied the thousands of stars and the clouds of stars that I imagined to be a spiral arm of our Milky Way Galaxy. I kept spotting flashing lights out of the corner of my eye and thought they were shooting stars.  But as I looked more closely, I realized that the stars were blinking at me.  Twinkling stars!  I had never seen that before.  God was truly so good!

                The next morning, I woke up with joy to be in such a lovely place.  We had a quiet day at the house and all the children were busy exploring.  After a gentle rain, a rainbow appeared in front of a mountain ridge.  God’s promise! 

                On Monday we drove into Lexington and walked the historic brick sidewalks.  Most of the children found it boring, and Ashlyn was downright upset. 

We found a large antique mall but discovered that the prices were so much higher than we had ever seen before! We purchased some food to replace what we had left at home.  We all went to bed early, and I slept peacefully until Courage woke me up because he had a nightmare. 

                In the morning I learned that Chris had had disturbing dreams as well. Chris and I agreed that something was off in the atmosphere: more oppression and fear than normal. Was it the home, the property, the area?  We didn’t know for sure, but we sanctified the whole place, rebuked fear and evil, and prayed the blood of Jesus over our family along with angels for protection.  Why didn’t we do this the first day?

We are in the habit of covering our family with prayer every morning and evening but we had to take it up a notch!

                 Chris and the older children left for Panther Falls; a local swimming hole popular with thrill seekers like Chai who love to jump from high places. 

                I stayed home with Ashlyn, Aria, Annalise, and Courage (who we call the “little ones”). Courage spent the morning stomping from one room to another, slamming doors and pouting.  He had wanted to be an “older” and jump off rocks.  I let him wear himself out while the girls and I sat together on the back porch. I felt like I needed to declare some truth to myself and the spiritual realm, so I began to read Ps 145.  God’s goodness is overwhelming!

                Then I read Ps 91 and realized that much of it is in the music video that the children just love, “Crushing Snakes” by David Crowder.  I asked Annalise to point out the verses that she recognized from the song, and she got almost all of them.  Then we watched the video.  The girls sat in rapt attention: a good teaching moment.

                I began to look up other verses that are referenced in the video and read them aloud.  I felt fear fleeing and courage rising! 

No one can defeat our God! No one!  He holds the keys to death and hell!

                About this time Courage came around and wanted to watch the video.  I asked him to point out all the scriptures and he did!  He also quoted to me a related scripture he had learned at Kidz Kamp.

                Some of the verses were about the lake of fire created for the devil and his demons.  Those who refuse to accept Jesus would be thrown into the lake of fire as well. But those who follow Jesus would never be hurt by death, would never be overcome by evil, would never be defeated!

                A sweet little voice spoke up.  Aria was on my lap listening until she said, “What if I can’t find Jesus and go into the lake of fire.”

                “Jesus is your shepherd. He will always come find you. He will never let you be lost! He loves you Aria,” came my reply.

The answer came straight from the Holy Spirit and spoke to Aria’s spirit.  Peace returned to her face, and she said, “You’re the best mama ever.” She snuggled into me.

                Then I started to read Ps 91 and 145 again, but this time inserting the children’s names.

                “Does it really say my name in the Bible,” Annalise asked, amazed.

                “God had David write these words thousands of years ago because they were true about David.  But God knew that they would be true about you and that you would read them,” I said.

“Do you call on Jesus?  Do you trust in Jesus?” I asked.

                “Yes!”  all the children said.

                “Then it is like your name is written in the Bible!”

                My spirit was rejoicing that my children were understanding these powerful truths at 2, 6, and 8 years if age. Yet I was having trouble taking in a breath, almost like the air was thick, or I had whooping cough…but I wasn’t coughing. 

                “Strange air here in Virginia,” I thought to myself.

                Chris and the older children returned later in the day with entertaining stories of Panther Fall and Todd’s Barbecue. It was the best part of the trip for many of them. I was so glad that my fear hadn’t held them back. 

As they continued the tales of fun at the dinner table, I felt Calvin tap my arm.  I looked over to him and he was choking! He couldn’t take in a breath!

                 I immediately started the Heimlich maneuver. I had never done it before, and it wasn’t working.  I looked at Chris with a face stricken with fear.

“Can you help me!” I called to him. Calvin started to breath again. I had dislodged the food just enough. 

This was crazy!  We needed to stand on God’s truth!  The enemy couldn’t harm us.  Even if demons had some sort of access to this property or this land, they had no authority over us! 

As Chris and I were talking about this, Cooper said, “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power or the enemy. Nothing will harm you.”

“That’s right Cooper!  So you do read those scripture I put up on the mirror!” I exclaimed.

I really felt that God was teaching us to take our authority in Him and not be afraid of anything.  I had no delusions that we would be spared trouble, trials, or sorrows; but we didn’t need to fear them.  Most of our lives with God are about blessings.  When fear comes, it is usually the enemy telling us lies that will never happen. When tribulations come, God always gives us the grace we need AT THE TIME to handle them.  What a strange lesson to be learning on vacation.

That night Cooper got really sick, and I hated to see him suffer.  Chris and I prayed over him, and by the morning he was better.  Spiritual Warfare?

The next day I could see that even in our resting and leisure activities, God was teaching us. The book I was reading was a story of a family who loved Jesus.  They had to interact with a very annoying relative.  What they didn’t realize was that the relative was working with a spy for the enemy, trying to gather intelligence from their two sons who had just returned home from the war.

As soon as the mother saw the difficult cousin coming to her door for a visit, she started to pray.

“She must be cautious. She must be quiet, to be guided. ‘Oh god help me!’ Perhaps it was a petty trial to bring to the great God for help, and yet Margaret Graeme had learned through long years that there is no trial so petty that may not work out to unpleasantness and even sin if allowed to sway the spirit. Mrs. Graeme had learned how to keep that spirit of hers placid, unruffled by little things. She was always looking to her Guide for strength.”

A Girl to Come Home to – Grace Livingston Hill

That was just what we needed to do on this vacation!  What we all need to do every day of our lives, but especially now when the battle between good and evil is getting more intense.  This is what the scripture God had given me just that morning meant.

“So, the let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober.” 1 Thes 5:6

We can be sober and still revel in God’s goodness and enjoy every blessing.

I fulfilled my heart’s desire that day by shopping at the farmers market in Lexington.  What a bounty of fruit, veggies, baked goods, and specialty items were ours! We had BLTs that night and enjoyed the fruit of the Virginia countryside.

Areli, Cadin, and I set out early on Thursday morning to arrive at Natural Bridge State Park by 8:15 am.  The forest was cool and shady. The trail was wide and even. The Natural Bridge was majestic and breathtaking!

That evening Chris and I had the perfect date night at the Southern Inn.  Chris got their famous fried chicken, and I was delighted by the fried brussel sprouts and lamb meatballs with microgreens. 

The goodness of God was hunting us down each day!

Friday, our final full day had arrived.  The boys wanted to swim at Goshen pass and leap off large rocks. And of course, there was that swinging bridge to cross.  This time Courage was allowed to go. We prayed together, and then I took my place on the back porch with my girls again.  We read over Ps 91 and 145 and watched the video.  Afterwards we took out the kiddie pool, and they had a ball in the back yard. 

Before I knew it, Chris and the boys had returned. They had a good time and were anxious to show me the pictures. I scrolled through the pictures on Chris’ phone.

“Looks like fun,” I said almost distractedly until I saw something.

“What was that?!” I scrolled back and saw a picture of all the boys on the swinging bridge, suspended over the river.  Arcing over them was a rainbow!

Immediately the forgotten image of dread came back to me: Chai tangled up in the cables, falling, and breaking his neck.

God had taken an image of traumatic fear and painted it with a rainbow of His promise!

What a beautiful gift from my Father! I only had to travel four hours and have an open heart to receive it!

“I Will NOT Forget You,” says the LORD

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

What is God saying in this time? 

That is the most important question right now. 

It is hard to believe any of the news being reported.  It all seems fake and surreal.  We are living under an administration that was neither chosen by the people nor chosen by God.  They are proud of the fact that they oppose the ways of God at every turn.

 Just like the king of Assyria in Isaiah 37, God is asking them this question, “Whom have you been defying and ridiculing? Against whom did you raise your voice? At whom did you look with such haughty eyes? It was the Holy One of Israel! (NLT)”

Not only are they raging against conservatives, Trump supporters, Christians, and those who believe in our constitution; they are raging against THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL! Surely He will defend His holy name.

All that matters right now is God’s perspective.  What is He seeing?  What is He saying?  What is He doing? 

It may seem that our role is difficult to define.  What should each one of us be doing right now?  Praying in our secret place?  Preaching the Kingdom in the streets?  Calling and writing our representatives in all levels of government?

God gave me an answer that will guide me through my life, through the highs and the lows, through abundant blessing and crushing defeats, through ruling over my inheritance and living under a hostile regime.

“Stand with me.  Be with me wherever I am.  Go with me wherever I go.  Do whatever you see me doing.”

I imagine myself being found in Christ.  My small frame is decked out with the full armor of Christ, yet I am hidden and overshadowed by His mighty form.  He has trained my hands for war and makes me mightily in battle.  Still, He is infinitely larger and more powerful than I.  I can hide in him, yet stand with Him.  If people fight against Him and revile Him, they will do the same to me.  If people are open to Him, they will be open to me.  If I suffer with Him, I can also share in His glory. 

In my small life with my small sphere of influence, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me what He is doing in each relationship and in each circumstance, and I try to do the same. 

How can I make a difference in my nation?  I stand my ground, stay in my rank, and listen to His voice.  I will pray what He prays, speak what He speaks, and believe that He can use my little part to do the impossible.

I was praying with some family and friends days before the inauguration.  God led me to a scripture in Isaiah 49.

14But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;

the Lord has forgotten me!”

15“Can a woman forget her nursing child,

or lack compassion for the son of her womb?

Even if she could forget,

I will not forget you!

16Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

your walls are ever before Me.

17Your builders hasten back;

your destroyers and wreckers depart from you. (BSB)

I heard Jesus saying to the United States of America, “I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!”

How encouraging and comforting that Jesus cares about our country!

He has not forgotten His covenant with the USA.  He has not forgotten a single word He has spoken over our nation.  He will fulfill every one of His promises and purposes for this nation.  He has heard the prayers of His people.

Then Jesus became more intense as I heard Him whisper, “I have NOT forgotten you!”  I saw him whispering in the ears of those hidden in darkness with no hope. 

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels

His precious babies in the womb.

His dear ones trapped in sex trafficking and pedophilia.

His future generations yet unborn.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

“I have NOT forgotten you!”

The Lion of the Tribe of Judah is whispering and ROARING!

“I have not forgotten you!”

The God of the Angel Armies is tenderly speaking!

“I have not forgotten you!”

The Captain of the Hosts is courageously announcing!

I felt in that moment that His rescue plan was unstoppable, His purposes were irresistible.

NOTHING CAN HOLD BACK WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO DO!

How can I stand with Him while I wait patiently for Him to act?  Two scriptures gave me an answer.

 2 Chronicles 20

 God caused a multitude of the enemies of Jehoshaphat to turn on each other and wipe each other out.  Not only did God save his people, but He Gave them more spoils that they could carry away. What happened right before the victory?  His people gathered as the prophet had instructed them to do and sang,

“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.”

2 Chronicles 5:6-14

11Then the priests left the Holy Place. All the priests who were present had purified themselves, whether or not they were on duty that day. 12And the Levites who were musicians—Asaph, Heman, Jeduthun, and all their sons and brothers—were dressed in fine linen robes and stood at the east side of the altar playing cymbals, lyres, and harps. They were joined by 120 priests who were playing trumpets. 13The trumpeters and singers performed together in unison to praise and give thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals, and other instruments, they raised their voices and praised the LORD with these words:

“He is good! His faithful love endures forever!”

At that moment a thick cloud filled the Temple of the LORD. 14The priests could not continue their service because of the cloud, for the glorious presence of the LORD filled the Temple of God.

And what happened before the glory of the LORD filled the temple?  The priests had purified themselves and then they sang,

“He is good! His faithfulness endures forever!”

As we wait for His victory, we can trust Him. As we long for His glory to fall, we can believe His prophets. As we wait for the light to shine into the dark places, we can draw near to Him. As we pray for His dear ones to be saved, this is what we can do:

Purify ourselves!

Thank God!

Praise God!

Worship God!

Remind ourselves of His Goodness!

He will not forget, and His steadfast love endures forever.

20 Reasons Why 2020 Has Been My Best Year Yet

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

We want to say, “Good riddance!” to 2020, toss it in the dumpster and set it ablaze. We would like to turn our backs and walk into the new year of 2021.  If we do that, we will lose all the treasures hidden in darkness, all the lessons learned from challenge, all the wisdom gained in hardship, all the promises fulfilled in ways we didn’t expect.  At the beginning of 2020, God was telling us that it would be a Good and Blessed New Year, and it really has been! All His words and prophecies were true.  In fact, it has been our best year yet.

I hesitated to write this article, because I didn’t want to make any of my readers feel bad if they didn’t have a year as wonderful as mine.  But it is simply a matter of perspective.  I think that God would like all of us to concentrate on His blessings rather than the trials. If I made a list of all my heartaches, fears, doubts, and hard times in 2020, you would most certainly pity me and be glad you didn’t have my life.  Yet in every life, the blessings and the trials dwell side by side. And the trials actually turn into blessings if we let God have His way.

I used to live in a state of perpetual self-pity.  I spent a lot of time feeling sick and tired and grumpy, and every new hardship was confirmation that I was a victim.  I didn’t realize that I had taken on an orphan identity that was in opposition to God and the Bible.  It just felt like normal life, and normal life was incredibly hard!

It took years for God to renew my mind, peel back the layers, and reveal my victim perspective.  A victim mindset produces victim thoughts and victim thoughts produce victim decisions.  Victim decisions would lead me away from God’s goodness and into deeper darkness.  I didn’t need a change of circumstance, I needed a change in perspective.  I was an eagle living in the dirt, but God has taught me how to fly.

I do sometimes forget to fly.  So I proclaim over myself, “I pursued my enemies, and I did not turn back until they were destroyed (Ps 18:37)!  Fear, you have no hold on me!  Victim spirit, orphan spirit, you have no place in me!  I am wonderfully well and blessed and highly favored of the Lord.  I am his favorite daughter!  He has put a crown on my head…” and on and on until I have confessed every good scripture that I can think of.

If you are beholding the LORD, then you will go from glory to glory (2 Cor 3:18).  Each year will be better than the last because you are drawing nearer to Him and He is drawing nearer to you!

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp really helped me change my thought patterns and grow the joy center of my brain. I started keeping a journal of all that I was thankful for, writing a few things each day.  At first it took some thought, but pretty soon the blessings would come to my mind faster than I could write or keep track of.  I got to one thousand and beyond with no trouble.  Now I am in the habit of falling asleep thanking God and waking up thanking God.  Some days I must force myself to do it just to push out the discouraging thoughts, but most days it flows naturally.

I decided to write down all the amazing things God had done for us in 2020.  Then Chris reminded me of additional blessings that I had forgotten about.  We talked about it as a family, and the children remembered even more.  It really was the best year yet!

You don’t even have to read my list.  The main point is for you to compile your own.  It may take days or weeks, talking to family and friends, and reviewing journals and photos, but it is worth the effort. It may just take you from the valley to the clouds and beyond.

Why 2020 has been My Best Year Yet

  1. I have been singing truth over myself every morning. I have been filled with more confidence and boldness and spent less time in discouragement and lies.
  2. I have been waiting on the Lord almost every morning and there is nothing better than hearing His voice.
  3. I have renewed strength and energy – not as tired or overwhelmed.
  4. I have taken a walk almost every morning and I have never been so immersed in the beauty of my own neighborhood in every season.
  5. I found renewed joy in homeschooling. The children got better nutrition and better spiritual discipleship since their schools closed.
  6. Two of my adult children have been home for most of the year.  They helped me without being asked and I loved their company.
  7. We spent a week in the best vacation rental we have ever had.
  8. Chris and I fulfilled our 24 year desire to return to Cape May.
  9. We were able to save money in many different ways.
  10. My daughter Ashlyn had a better-than-expected experience during and after spinal fusion surgery.
  11. No sickness in our home except colds.
  12. My boys have wanted to go to church.
  13. I was able to start making kefir and taking supplements again.
  14. After living many years with a leaky roof, we were able to get a new roof with no debt.
  15. I hiked Hawk Rock with the family.  I hadn’t done it in 27 years. It was definitely challenging but it felt easier than when I was in my teens!
  16. We finally got a membership to the State museum and used it many times.  My dad used to work at the museum, and it was there that I spent many happy childhood days.
  17. On our porch we had yellow mums for autumn and festive lights for Christmas for the first time.
  18. We grew closer to a wonderful group of friends and have never felt more thankful to be able to spend time with them.
  19.  I have never been more excited to attend church! I have watched many church leaders rise up in a new boldness. I have witnessed the Ekklesia work together like never before.
  20. I have lived through an amazing year that history will look back on as the beginning of the Second Revolutionary/Civil War, a precursor to the Third Great Awakening when America turned back to God!

Eagle Sightings 1-9 and God’s Words for this Season

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

A few years ago I didn’t believe that I would ever see an eagle.  God worked out incredible circumstances to convince me otherwise. I was starting to accept my identity as His Eagle, and I asked Him to allow me to spot a real eagle. My first eagle sighting happened on vacation, hours north from our home. I was filled with awe and gratitude to my Good Father!

However, I still didn’t believe that I would see another eagle once I returned home. God surprised me again with His goodness when the second time happened during my weekly drive to the farm to get milk and eggs.

Eagle sighting # 3 was with my son, home on leave from the Marines. We were driving to a state park. I had prayed and asked God to show me an eagle. A few minutes later, there it was, flying above our van. God used that eagle to remind me that:

We don’t belong with those who turn back and are destroyed. Instead, we belong with those who have faith and are saved.

Hebrews 10:35-39 (God’s Word)

Eagle sightings #4, #5,and #6 were up north again during our next family vacation. I was reminded that God encounters are all around us, we just need the eyes to recognize them!

Eagle #7 was soaring 10 minutes from home.  I was amazed that eagles lived so close! 

God spoke to me that my eagle sightings were like something else I had been praying for: REVIVAL!

Revival with miracles, healings, salvations, and deliverances happening all around me. 

That which seemed impossible has become a part of my normal life.  Now I expect to see an eagle as I gaze out of my kitchen window, watching the birds perch on the church across the street. 

“Someday, I will see a bald eagle right there! Someday I will see revival right here, in my neighborhood, in my own house!” I often think to myself.

Eagle #8 appeared at a State Park in February as I pondered the Good and Blessed New Year of 2020!  Our plans for the year were very uncertain, yet I was full of hope I surrendered to God’s wonderful will, whatever that turned out to be.  I had no idea what crazy events 2020 had in store. 

Now that it is December, I can still say that it has been a Good and Blessed year, and I have come to know God more than ever before.

Eagle #9 was just 5 minutes from our home.  We were heading out for a family day, and I was feeling especially discouraged.  We were passing road signs that were normally used to update drivers on accidents or adverse weather conditions.  They were flashing messages that I would expect to see in a Socialist State, not in my beloved country. Here in the USA we have freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of assemble, freedom to work and earn a living, freedom to innovate and run your own business, and freedom to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Reminders that these freedoms are being taken away are everywhere. Lately it feels stressful to leave the house, never knowing what the “rules” are, how and if the “rules” are being enforced, and what extreme viewpoints you might encounter.

When I saw that eagle I realized, God is right here!  In my town! 

I can be that eagle.  I can soar above the circumstances right now.  I can go out into my city, the land of my inheritance, and claim it for the kingdom of God.  I can be full of joy and tell people good news wherever I go.  Even if others are walking in fear and offense, I don’t have to.  Jesus is King of this land and I am His Eagle.

God continues to speak to me with eagles and I spotted Eagle # 10 just a few weeks ago…

To be continued…

Our 24th Honeymoon in Cape May

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

Chris and I got married 24 four years ago. (I wrote about our romance in my article, “Our love Story is my Favorite.”) We honeymooned on Brigantine Island. We spent one day in Cape May and loved the beautiful seaside town. We vowed to go back someday. Many times we talked about it. We even tried to plan it. Finally, after 24 years we were able to fulfill our desire!

Our first honeymoon was in August. We were 20 and 21. We had enjoyed our wedding and celebrating with our friends at the best reception dance party we have ever attended, before or since! We left the worrying to others, and we just enjoyed the day.

Before we set out for New Jersey, we had to return to our apartment. It was full of wedding gifts and cards but little else. When you are young and in love, what else do you need?

Well, for a honeymoon, a little cash would be nice!

We opened up all the cards and gathered the cash. We had enough to eat out a few times, catch a movie, and buy souvenirs.

We felt incredibly blessed!

We had no cell phone. There was no social media. We were blissfully isolated and free to follow whatever schedule we happened upon. I am so glad our spontaneity took us to Cape May.

Many times over the years we have talked about returning. Finally after much discussion, research, planning, and dreaming, all factors converged in a glorious miracle! Two of our adult children were still home to watch the younger seven while friends helped out. Chris got off work. We had spending money to do what we hadn’t been able to do the first time, (such as a historic trolley tour plus a tour of Elem Physick Estate.)

We felt incredibly blessed!

We went first to the Cape May Light House.

  • 1996
  • 2020
  • 1996
  • 2020
  • 1996
  • 2020
  • WWII bunker 1996
  • WWII bunker 2020

When the woman at the top of the light house found out that we had been there on our honeymoon, she gave us a special shell with, “Cape May” painted on it along with free tickets to the WWII Lookout.

We felt God’s Favor!

Once we had descended the 199 steps, we walked to the beach just behind the light house.

  • WWII bunker

We walked over to the Cape May Point State Park and had fun pretending to be wildlife photographers.

Then we ate a packed supper while we watched the sunset on Sunset Beach.

The next morning I got Chris out of bed early so we could watch the sunrise on Broadway Beach.  It was too cloudy for the colors of the sun to penetrate, so we just sat and soaked in the sound of the pounding waves and the peace.

I was sitting in the borrowed beach chair, trying to quiet my mind. I realized that this was it! 

We were sitting in the fullness of a desire fulfilled. 

I tried to let all my burdens go out with the tide and be washed by God’s goodness, as faithful and constant as the waves.  What a year 2020 had been so far, one of our very best years as a couple and as a family.  Then God spoke to me Psalm 128.  It seemed too good to be true, that God was saying this directly to us at this time!

We tried to enjoy every moment of our romantic getaway.  Worries and heaviness would creep in.  The next morning we received a text from a lifelong friend that read,

“I pray you are having the most awesome time away together!!!! You guys are such a wonderful blessing to so many and such a strength to me as my friends. May you be overwhelmed by God’s goodness.”

I felt awe and wonder, to be so blessed with friends that were praying for us while we were on vacation! I was determined to make Psalm 128 our vacation mantra.

All you who fear God, how blessed you are!

  • 1996
  • 2020

    how happily you walk on his smooth straight road!

  • 1996

You worked hard and deserve all you’ve got coming.

  • Washington Street Mall

    Enjoy the blessing!

Revel in the goodness!

Your wife will bear children as a vine bears grapes,


    your household lush as a vineyard,
The children around your table
    as fresh and promising as young olive shoots.

  • The Blue Pig Tavern

Stand in awe of God’s Yes.

Lunch with an ocean view

 Oh, how he blesses the one who fears God!

  • WWII Lookout Tower

Enjoy the good life in Jerusalem
    every day of your life.

May you live to see your children’s children

Peace be upon Israel!