birth

The Heartbreak and Joy of a C-section

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 6 Comments

As a young girl, I read that one out of every ten babies in the United States was born by C-section.  I remember thinking, “If I have ten children, I will probably have a C-section in my lifetime.”  But who really has ten children anyway?  So I dismissed it as a very unlikely possibility.  Despite the fact that cesareans have become more and more common (one out of every three births), I estimated that my chances were dropping.  I was healthy and strong, educated in natural childbirth.  I had beautiful, easy deliveries…eight of them!  Although theoretically, I knew that anything can happen in this life, and I was not exempt from the risks of childbearing, I never thought it would happen to me.

I was so excited to be pregnant with my ninth child.  I became even more excited when I found out that it was a girl!  I had longed for a girl for so long, that I had almost given up.  I felt the overwhelming joy of a dream come true.  Yet along with it came a suffocating fear.

I had never before worried about the life of any my unborn babies.  I just loved them, prepared a room for them, and anticipated a future for them.  Yet this time I began to wonder if my preparations were in vain.  What if I never got to hold my baby girl in my arms?  What if I never got to dress her in all the pretty clothes?  What if the sweetness and the tenderness of who she was, left my life forever?

I didn’t speak of these thoughts.  If I uttered them out loud, they might become more real.  Finally one night I tried to explain it to my husband, and I began to cry.  Why was I crying?  The baby was healthy and moving around in my belly.  This had been my easiest pregnancy yet.  There was no reason to worry.

“I think you have fear with this baby because she is so connected to the promises of God,” Chris said.  At that instant I realized that it was true.  We had already named her Annalise Promise which means “Oath of God” and “Graced with God’s Bounty.”  Her name was a sign to us that we would be entering a season of promises fulfilled, promises for abundance.  We had always prayed for that season. We had been looking for it ever since we had gotten married, straining our eyes across the horizon for any sign that the prosperity might be on its way.  We felt deep in our bones that God meant for us to have more than enough of everything we needed, everything our children needed.  Yet we hadn’t been able to live in that prosperity, cycling between the highs of great opportunities and the lows of dashed dreams.

Now we were having a girl whose very name meant the Boundless Generosity of God, and I was terrified that I would never be able to keep her or God’s Goodness, that both would slip through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to grasp them.

Of course I realized that God does not work that way.  This fear was not from Him, yet He would take it from me, I was sure.  I laid my fear at His feet and He gave me hope and joy and promises!  He had me read Zephanaiah 3:14-20 over and over again.  I could almost hear Him rejoicing over me with happy songs.  I could feel Him hold me in his strong arms.  I could sit back and watch him fight for me and gain the victory!  I did not have to fear disaster! He was holding my little girl in His hands and she was safe!

My other babies were always head down in my womb, settling into a familiar position that I knew so well.  But this little girl would not do that no matter how much we talked to her, coaxed her, and prayed for her.  She would flip and turn and end up in all sorts of positions.

I was becoming quite nervous about her position as I headed into week 37.  Our whole family had been hoping for an Easter baby which was only days away, yet Annalise was still not head down.  I would lay in bed at night, tired yet unable to sleep.  My belly was so big, I found it hard to breath.  I could feel her do flips inside of me.

“I think we need to get another ultrasound to check on your placenta.  If it is too low, that may be why the baby is not able to descend.” Mary, my midwife said as I was getting close to 38 weeks.

I had no intention of getting another ultrasound, but the night before Chris had expressed concern about the same issue.  I felt peaceful that Annalise was safe and sound in God’s hands, but for Chris’ peace of mind, I agreed to go in and get checked.  I prayed that if all was well, I would go into labor before the ultrasound.  A peaceful homebirth was my heart’s desire.  I would rehearse the wonder and beauty of it in my mind to cheer my weary bones.  Yet I also prayed, “Don’t let me give birth at home if you want me in the hospital.”

Labor did not come and I found myself lying on a table in a darkened room.  It only took the ultrasound tech a few minutes to see that placenta was covering the cervix.

“I am so sorry!” Mary said, “I know how much you wanted a home birth, but we just can’t deliver you at home.  If the placenta is born first, your baby could die.  You will need to choose a hospital and I suggest you go in tomorrow.  It would be better to get a C-section as soon as possible so you don’t go into labor.”

I was in shock.  I couldn’t believe what was happening.  Yet, I knew that it was what God wanted.  Otherwise He could have easily moved that placenta and brought labor on the week before.  When I returned home from the ultrasound, all I could manage to do was cry.  Most of my other eight children were around the house playing or doing homework after school.  My oldest daughter hugged me and said, “It will be ok, Mama.”

I tried to believe her.  I cried and grieved the loss of my perfect homebirth. I had wanted to be close to my other children.  I had wanted a fast and easy recovery that would allow me to continue taking care of the needs of the home and homeschooling.  I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that I had offered my body to God as a living sacrifice, to carry this child of promise, and He was going allow doctors to cut into me tomorrow.

The next day Chris and I began the work of getting ready to go to the hospital. As soon as Chris’ mom had heard about the situation, she had started driving to Pennsylvania from Florida.  She would be able to get to our house by the evening to take care of the other children.  How that eased my mind!

I sent a prayer request to all the ladies who had been to my baby shower a few weeks earlier.  I also called my mom to explain the situation.  She had been hoping to be at the birth, but I told her that I had to get surgery and she probably wouldn’t be able to see the baby until hours afterward.  Mom happened to be at the ladies meeting at church.  She stopped the meeting right then and there and asked for prayer for me!

A lovely thing began to happen.  As I was trying to get ready, rushing around the house, up the stairs and down the stairs again, I started to receive emails and texts and calls from loving friends.  They were praying for me and speaking encouraging words and offering help!  One dear friend even prayed out loud for Annalise while I turned on the speaker phone so Annalise listen.

I was feeling an overwhelming sadness about having to endure a C-section, but I didn’t want Annalise to feel sad.  I didn’t want her to feel like she was being torn from her safe haven too early or experience anguish on the day of her birth.  The prayer I heard coming from the other end of my phone brought peace to my body and soul.

“Annalise will be so peaceful.  It will be a sign to you.”  I heard my friend pray.

Chris and I arrived at the hospital in the early afternoon.  Mary was already there.  It took hours for the staff to assess me and determine that the placenta was not actually covering the cervix but was dangerously close, only .9 cm away.  Studies had shown that 90% of women with a marginal placenta like mine bled during labor and required an emergency C-section to save the life of the baby.  Thankfully, I had not yet gone into labor and we could have a planned C-section.

It took several more hours to prep me for the C-section. During this time I felt oddly peaceful.  God was in control and it was going to be ok. Finally at 8pm I was taken into the operating room where the anesthesiologist started the spinal.

“No pain.  You will feel no pain, only pressure.  No pain,” he kept saying over and over again.

I must admit that I didn’t believe him.  How could I feel no pain at all during such a major surgery?  Yet almost immediately, I started to lose feeling in my lower body.  I started feeling woozy. My body felt so heavy.  I was so tired, that I could hardly respond to the questions the nurses would ask from time to time.  Before I knew it, Chris was next to me.

I heard the voice of a doctor instruct the intern on how to begin.  I had never seen the doctor’s face.  The intern had introduced himself and explained the entire procedure beforehand.  He said he had done at least 50 to 60 C-sections in the past. He was friendly and I liked him a lot. The doctor, however, was gruff and rude to this nice intern, acting like the intern had never done a C-section before.

“NO, not like that! Not like that! Here, let me do it!”  I heard from the other side of the blue curtain.  I really experienced no pain at all!  It was amazing to me.  It almost felt like this procedure was happening to someone else.  Even the abrasive voice of the doctor and the extreme pressure on my pelvic bone couldn’t bring me out of my medicated haze.  But more than that, I felt the peace that surpasses understanding.  I knew that God had every detail of this birth planned out for the best.

“She is almost here.” I heard Chris say with joy and excitement.  I just couldn’t muster up excitement myself.  I felt pushing and then a weight was lifted.  I was lighter!

“She is here!” Chris said.  Quickly the little bundle was taken to a table just a few yards behind me.  I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her.  She was crying for all she was worth!  A good sound.  I wanted to call out to her.  I wanted her to know that I was close by, that I was so excited that she was here, but I didn’t have the energy.  Someone brought her to me and placed her on my chest.  She was little and perfect.  I was too numb to hold her, so she was whisked away again, this time out of the operating room.  Chris went with her and suddenly I was alone…so alone.

I was lying on the operation table in the middle of the large room.  I was vaguely aware of nurses and doctors working to stitch me up.  They were talking among themselves, but not acknowledging me.  I knew that the bright lights were highlighting my nakedness and my gaping wound.

“My baby is here!  She has been born!”  I thought to myself. “Yet how could this really be considered her birth?  I didn’t give birth.  Is today really her birthday?  I didn’t push her out.  The doctors pulled her out.  It didn’t feel like a birth.”

As these thoughts floated around in my clouded mind, sadness descended.   Instead of feeling the overwhelming relief and bliss that enveloped me after the birth of my other eight children, I felt a stark and cold loneliness.  I wouldn’t allow the weeping to begin.  I knew it would overwhelm my consciousness.  I didn’t want to meet Annalise in the recovery room with tears.

Soon I was being wheeled to where my baby was.  She was placed into my arms and I got my first really good look at her.  Her face was tiny and beautiful, and she was looking up at me with open eyes.  So serene.  So peaceful.

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She was a sign to me that everything was going to be ok.  I would heal.  The sadness would fade.  I had suffered loss, but it hadn’t been the disaster I had most feared.  My little girl was safe.  Safe too were all of God’s promises.  Our finances were still in an unstable place.  But I was certain that we would see His goodness.  I was sure that Annalise would live a life marked by God’s generosity.

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The bliss didn’t rush in and seep into every cell as I had hoped.  It crept in slowly.

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It increased slightly with every look into her eyes, every touch of her soft skin, every time she nursed.

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My heart was full of sorrow and joy, but the joy would overtake and overwhelm, one miracle moment at a time.

 

You were created for Childbirth!

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

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My husband and I wrote this to help other couples looking forward to the big day – the day when their new baby will be born!  Our desire is that everyone can have the joyful, peaceful, amazing experience that God has for them on this wondrous day!

 

You were created for Childbirth!

 

Giving birth to eternal children of destiny is God’s gift and a sign of his great honor and favor toward you!  The labor experience is a privilege, NOT a curse!  Here are some tips to help make your labor experience a little (or a lot) easier.

Pain is a curse spoken over Eve in Gen.  All curses were broken at the cross.  Break the curse of multiplied pain in Jesus name and don’t let anyone talk you back into it!  Pain in labor is increased because of fear.  Our body’s normal response to pain is to release adrenaline to prepare our bodies for the “fight or flight” response.  Adrenaline stops the production of oxytocin and slows labor down.  We have to practice going against our normal instincts to resist pain and learn to relax in the pain.  With every contraction, find a comfortable position and relax every muscle of your body.  Don’t try to move or talk.  The more relaxed and at peace you are, the less pain you will feel.  Practice this before you are actually in labor. If you want to read more, get the book, Childbirth without Fear: The Principles and Practice of Natural Childbirth.

HUSBANDS AND WIVES;

    1. Pray and seek God about any issues He may want to address before you have a baby.  The closer you are to God, the more peace and forgiveness you have flowing through your life, the easier labor will be!
    2. Ask God for specific scriptures and promises for your labor and new baby.  Speak these out all the time!
    3. Ask God to give you His heart on any issues you might encounter such as an epidural, inducing labor, c-sections, and other interventions.  In the intensity of labor is not the time to develop a philosophy on these subjects.  God is the authority on labor, not your doctor.
    4. Speak to the mommy’s and baby’s bodies and prophecy before and during labor that they will quickly and easily and joyfully go through all of the stages of labor.  “Uterus; you will contract perfectly without multiplied pain!”  “Cervix; you will dilate perfectly and quickly.”  “Baby; you will descend into the birth canal at just the right time and turn in just the right way to be born quickly and easily.”
    5. Speak to the mom’s and baby’s spirits about the labor.  “Mom, you are able to give birth in peace and joy.  You are in God’s hands.  You are His beloved.”  “Baby we love you.  God gave you to us as a precious gift.  Come out and see us at just the right time.  We are so excited to see you!

HUSBANDS

    1. Pray, Pray, Pray!
    2. You are the authority over you wife, not your doctor or midwife.  Ask God about any options that are offered.  Don’t do anything you don’t feel at peace about.
    3. Sometimes you have to make decisions for your wife during labor.  She may not know what to do.  Don’t be afraid to direct the labor time.
    4. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.  Use your words to help her, not distract her.

“You’re doing great!”  “Relax your muscles and breathe.” “It will be over soon!” Use a peaceful tone.

 

WIVES

  1. During your labor it is your job to RELAX, RELAX, RELAX!  Trust God and trust your husband.  Let them take care of everything and relax!  Enjoy the time between contractions.  Walk around, squat, pelvic tilt.  During contractions relax every muscle and rest!  A warm shower or bath does wonders!
  2. During your pregnancy, exercise often (walking, pregnancy Pilates, squatting, kegels) and eat as healthy as you can.  Eat 60-100 grams of protein a day.  Here is a link for a diet for pregnant and nursing mothers.
  3. Even if things don’t go as you had hoped, God has got you in his hands and He is never letting go!  He is in control!
  4. Don’t worry!  This birth thing was God’s idea and it really does work!

 

Wisdom from other moms

 

“I had two supernatural births without pain.  The difference between my first two and my second two was I had an encounter with the Father’s love to where I was able to completely surrender and trust in His love and protection for me.  I also read Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize and that really encouraged me.  The first two births I prayed in the spirit and the third and fourth Jason laid hands on my belly and prayed in the spirit during each contraction so I was free to completely surrender to it and rest and trust while he did all the work.  I also labored in a Jacuzzi during transition and took honey for energy.”  Cari Cash, mother of four

 

“A wonderful labor experience begins and ends without fear.  Figure out what it is you are afraid of and get the answers you need before labor.  Fear creates pain and makes what should be a wonderful experience terrifying.”   Katie Horst, mother of four

 

If I could only give one piece of advice to a woman going into labor I would say “The only thing you can expect is that it is not going to be as you expected.”

So in the middle of the labor or delivery when it seems you are being thrown off course by some unexpected event.  Ask yourself…”Is this what I expected?”

No… so be encouraged …this means you are right on track. 

You can then continue in strength and peace.

As Bill Johnson says – You only have authority over a storm when you have peace.

Anne Stock, former homebirth attendant and mother of two

 

 

 

 

 

Birth Story: Part 6 – Calvin, the One Who Brought the Angels!

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 4 Comments

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Two years after Cooper was born, the time had come for me to give birth again. Once again, my water broke during the night. I went to the bathroom and returned to bed to try to get some sleep before the contractions started. As I rolled over, I caught a glimpse of the shadowy corner of our bedroom. There was something unusual about it. A vision flashed into my mind, and I saw angels packed into our small room. There were so many angels in that dark corner that their wings were smashed and flatten into each other. The air felt electric with excitement! I realized that the angels had come to witness the birth of a human child, a child of destiny and purpose, a child who carried the very likeness of the Almighty God. I had the sense that almost nothing could thrill an angel more that witnessing the birth of such a one.

Well, I was filled with excited anticipation as well! If the angels were already here, the baby must be coming soon! How could I sleep under circumstances such as these? This labor must be destined to be the most supernatural and glorious one yet! I had heard of the book, Supernatural Childbirth, which told of women who had birthed babies with NO PAIN at all!!! I had personally met three women with virtually pain-free experiences, and I was convinced that this was possible. Perhaps this was my time for a supernatural labor!

The sun rose and I got up to eat breakfast. Slowly the rest of the world began to awaken as well. It was Father’s Day and the summer solstice and the longest day of sunlight of the entire year. I whispered into Chris’ ear to wake him up, “Happy Father’s Day. We are going to have a baby today!”

His eyes snapped open in shock and wonder.

“Really?!”

“Yep, my water broke!”

We walked around the block many times that morning in the beautiful June air. I was hoping that this baby could be born before noon so we could announce it to our friends before church let out. Yet the walking didn’t do much to bring the contractions, it just wore me out. By the time I got into the birthing pool in our bedroom, I was pretty tired. My normal position of kneeling in the water with my upper body leaning on the edge of the pool was no longer comfortable. My joints were all sore and my legs were trembling. Sitting in the pool wasn’t comfortable either. Lunch time came and went.

Finally, I just had to stand up in the water. All that remained submerged were my feet and calves, but nothing else felt good. I continued to watch the clock as the hours inched by. Never watch the clock when you are in labor! Bad Idea!

“Come on Baby! It is time to come out now!” I said in exhaustion. “Why is this baby taking so long?” I asked Chris and the midwife and anyone else who was present. I sounded very pitiful and whiny. This labor felt like a struggle. I was weary and in pain and the baby didn’t seem any closer to being born.

Struggle…that was a word that had perfectly described the entire pregnancy. I had felt sick and tired most of the time. I struggled to take care of the six children and keep the house running. Chris was struggling to keep his faith. He was working two jobs to pay off the huge burden of debt we had created during our time in Colorado. He was a diligent and hard worker at any job that he had. Yet still, many times we weren’t sure how we were going to buy food that week or keep the water running.

God had given me a name for this child that I had taken to be a prophetic word for our family. It was Ayani, a name from Africa which meant, “Victorious in the Struggle!” I was sure that this baby was a girl since all our girls had names that began with the letter “A.” Somehow God always provided everything that we needed and I knew that we would be victorious in paying off this debt. And sure enough, God had made it possible to pay of every cent of it…just three days ago! I knew that I would be victorious and eventually give birth to this baby…but right now it was a struggle!

Pretty soon I felt like I could no longer stand up, but I didn’t want to lie down. Chris plunged his feet into the birthing pool, put his strong arms around me, and held me up. I don’t know how long he did this, but it felt like an eternity! It was now supper time.

Finally I felt like I might need to push. Sure enough, there was the head! Oh Glory!!! A few more pushes and the head was born. I could hear the midwife instruct Chris on how to gently rotate the body in order to allow the shoulder to clear. Yet nothing was happening.

“Can’t you just pull her out?” I whined.

“You have to push,” the midwife said sweetly.

Yes, of course I had to push. My seventh baby and I had forgotten to push! One more push and the baby was born at 5:34! A healthy baby…boy!!! I couldn’t believe it was another boy!

He let out the tiniest cry and promptly fell back to sleep. He slept soundly for the rest of the day as the midwives where cleaning him and weighing him, as we were holding him and fawning over him. Chris was concerned.

“Are you sure he is alright? Shouldn’t he be crying?” he asked.

“Oh, he is fine,” they answered. He was such a peaceful baby. I had spent hours reading scriptures and loving affirmations to this baby while he was in the womb. I think this was why he was so tranquil. He felt totally loved and accepted by his God, his parents, and his world despite the turmoil that was all around him.

“That is why you took so long to be born,” I thought. “You were sleeping peacefully the whole time!”

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The next two days were very difficult for me. I was shocked that I had given birth to a boy. I thought God had spoken to me about the perfect name, and it was a girl’s name. I felt confused and wondered if I could hear God’s voice at all. I was so wiped out, that I didn’t leave my room for two days. I was tired deep in my bones, yet after-contractions racked my body every time the precious bundle would nurse, which was all the time! I had never had such painful after-contractions. They were much worse than labor, because they would go on and on and on…for days!

On the third day they began to subside. One the third day we also settled on a name for our prefect baby boy. The name that I thought was a girl’s name, Ayani, was actually masculine and we choose a variant of the name for his middle name, Ajani. We were victorious in the struggle! We chose Calvin for his first name because that had always been a favorite of ours. I realized that God had spoken to me about this child and his name; I just misunderstood some of it. Just when we think that we have our lives figured out, something unexpected happens. This is good for us, because it keeps us looking to God and not to our own understanding.

It wasn’t until days later that I remembered the angels! They had been there the whole time, I was sure of it. They had seen my pitiful performance which was neither glorious nor supernatural. And in the midst of my arduous toil, I had completely forgotten about my divine audience. I felt pathetic and disappointing. I hadn’t experienced supernatural childbirth.

Yet God began to show me that Calvin’s birth was supernatural and majestic. It had been held in awe by angelic beings, even though I had been totally unaware of the honor.

I thought of the most amazing and supernatural event of all time; when Jesus hung on the cross; naked and shamed, beaten and bloodied, rejected and despised. It didn’t seem supernatural or triumphant. Yet it changed the entire working of the universe. Jesus triumphed over sin and death once and for all in those agonizing moments before his death. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS!!!!

Birthing a baby can be…shall we say, embarrassing, awkward, and humiliating to put it very mildly. A woman can find herself almost naked, not looking her best (maybe looking her worst), doing and saying things she would never normally do or say. She is being poked, prodded, stressed, and stretched in her most private parts. Yet God calls it beautiful and sacred. Birthing mother…you are stunning and graceful. You are veiled and guarded with glory.

Birth is always a promise that the work of Jesus can be manifested in another life.

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Mother, you make that promise possible. Birth is always a miracle, whether it is full of bliss or full of pain. It is a wonder, and angels never tire of the mystery.

Birth Story: Part 5 – Cooper, “The Barrel Maker” What does that Even Mean?

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

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My sixth pregnancy progressed like all the others.  Yet, something was different.  This was our first child who would be born to us in Pennsylvania, the land of our inheritance.  Miraculous events surrounded this child as God gave us a house worth two times what we could afford, a house we just adored.  I wrote about these amazing events in a previous article, “My Adventurous Husband with the Crazy, Impossible Dreams Might Just be Right!” 

I thought that this baby was a boy, although I didn’t know for sure.  Chris picked out his first name, “Cooper.”  Our oldest son came up with the name “Yale” for the middle name.  Put the two names together and you get a name that means, “Barrel Maker from the Hill.”  That sounded like a silly name to me.  I love selecting strong, amazing, and prophetic names to inspire me through the long, tiresome months of pregnancy.  “Barrel Maker from the Hill” did nothing for me.

“What does that even mean?” I asked God.

“I’m so glad you asked,” God answered.  “You are now in the land of your inheritance.  That means that you will be receiving lots of blessings, resources, influence, and gifts of the Holy Spirit – more than you can imagine.  You are going to need lots and lots of vessels (barrels) to hold all of the blessings I have for you.  This child will have an important role in containing and stewarding those blessings.  “From the Hill” is from Life Center, your church, which is on a hill.  The freedom and love that is represented at Life Center is this child’s birthright.  You and Chris have had to battle and fight your way into that freedom.  This child will live in it right from the start.”

Wow!  That was a powerful name after all!

Cooper’s labor was very similar to Chai’s.  My water broke the night before.  Contractions started slowly in the morning.  We took a tour of our new house (which we had not yet moved into) to try and speed things up.  By the time we were returning to our rental home, my contractions were quite intense.  I took my place in the warm birthing pool.  The contractions were much more painful than with Chai, yet I was able to thank God and praise Him for them.  I had never done that before!

Also, I began to speak to the baby.  Our church had introduced us to a class called, “Blessing Babies in the Womb.”  We hadn’t been able to take the class, but we were beginning to understand that babies have spirits that are alive and active just like adults.  Their spirits perceive words, emotions, and circumstances happening around them.  Their spirits and bodies submit and work during labor, similar to how a woman’s spirit and body have to submit to the pain and work to bring the baby forth.  In fact, mom and baby need to work together in harmony.

So I began doing something I had never done during labor.  I began talking to the baby.  After a contraction I would say, “Good job, Baby!  That was great!  Keep coming down.  Get into the right position.  Don’t be afraid.  This is going to be wonderful!  I can’t wait to see you!  You are doing great!  I love you!”

Cooper was born right around lunch time with his little hand up on his head.  The midwife said that this normally slows a baby’s entrance into the world, but it didn’t seem to delay Cooper at all!  I was so pleased with my little Barrel Maker, and my life was overflowing with blessings!

Birth Story: Part 4 – Chai, the One Who Brought Redemption!

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

 

I was pregnant with number five, and I knew I needed to try something different!  I had gained enough hospital experiences to last me the rest of my life.  I would have been happy to never return.

Ashlyn, who was now 18 months, was a developmentally delayed because of a rare chromosomal abnormality.  She was surprisingly healthy and incredibly happy…except when we visited any doctor’s office.  They she cried and screamed inconsolably.  She had had her fill of hospitals and doctors as well!  How different things would have been for her if I would have had the courage to try a home birth.

But this time I was ready!  I read and studied. All my research concluded the same thing.  Every study ever done comparing hospital births to home-births (assisted by a trained midwife) revealed that home-births were safer!  Home-birth labors were faster, less painful and required less intervention.  There were fewer chances for infection, injury, and death for both mother and baby.  I interviewed the home-birth midwives in Colorado Springs.  I found a very experienced midwife named Merrie who I just loved.  She thoroughly enjoyed what she did for a living, and she put me at ease.  I asked Merrie about what would happen if we had another child like Ashlyn.  The doctors had told us that it was a possibility.  She was just fine with it and reassured us that she was trained to transport us to the hospital at the very first sign of problems.

The pregnancy began with a bit of fear and trepidation.  What if this child was born with problems?  I would recognize Ashlyn’s distinctive features as soon as the child was born.  I imagined what I would feel; looking into the eyes of another “special” child and wondering if I would be able to handle the strain of it all.  Ashlyn was still like a baby.  She did not yet sit up or crawl, although she had started to scoot herself around on her belly in a funny one-legged pattern. Who knew what the future held for her?  Yet, her smile brought so much joy, her sweet spirit ministered to me.  I knew I wouldn’t trade her for the world!  She was the perfect baby for me!  I didn’t know how her life would unfold, but God did, and He said it was good!  I realized that even if this unborn child had problems, I would love him or her just as much!

Slowly and steadily, as the baby grew in my belly, so did my peace and trust in God.  I knew that having a home-birth was the right decision.  I knew that this baby would be fine.  We found out that the baby was a boy, and Chris and I searched for a name that would bring redemption to all of the problems that Ashlyn had been having.  We chose Chai Erik which meant, “Healthy and Powerful!”  Every time called him by his name, we were prophesying to him that he was healthy and powerful!

If you read my last post, Birth Story: Part 3, you will remember our bad church situation.  When Ashlyn was four months old, our family was kicked out of that church.  It was the best thing that could have happened to us!  We were now being reunited with truth and love and had rediscovered the joy of our salvation!  We also realized that where we really wanted to live was back in our hometown in Pennsylvania.  Life Center, the church we had grown up in and had been married in, wanted to hire Chris!  God was working out all the amazing details for us to move back home!  We were full of deep, deep gratitude!

Three and a half weeks before my due date, Life Center flew Chris out to Pennsylvania for the final interview. He was having a wonderful time reconnecting with dear friends.  I was at home taking care of four young children and throwing up every few hours with contractions that tightened my very huge belly!  The ladies at Life Center thought I was going into labor!  I reassured them that it was only a stomach bug.  I had never thrown up in labor before, and I wasn’t going to start now!

Chris returned home the next day and I was feeling better!  We were so excited about packing and moving across the country to our new lives!  We just had to wait for this baby to be born.

We didn’t have to wait long.  The very next night around two in the morning, I rolled over in bed and my water broke.  At first a wave of fear washed over me.  This was how it had all started with Ahslyn.  First my water had broken, then no contractions, then the hospital, then lots of rude people, then Pitocin, then birth defects, then…on and on my mind churned.  What if this labor was like the last time?  I tried to get some sleep, but I couldn’t. When the sun rose, I quietly got out of bed and sat at the kitchen table with my Bible and notebook.

“OK God, I really need to hear your voice now.  I do not want to listen to the voice of fear,” I prayed.

God put verses Isaiah 66:7-9 into my mind.  I looked them up and as I read, peace and joy washed over my spirit in healing waves.  I couldn’t hold back my worship and love for this God who had just given me the best verses that any pregnant woman could ever hope to receive!

“Before she goes into labor, she gives birth; before the pains come upon her, she delivers a son.  Who has ever heard of such a thing?  Who has ever seen such things?  Can a country be born in a day or a nation be brought forth in a moment?  Yet no sooner is Zion in labor than she gives birth to her children. ‘Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?’ says the LORD.”

God spoke to the very depth of my fears; that labor wouldn’t start for days and this baby wouldn’t be born.  Yet God was saying that he would be born in a day and that I would give birth before the pains came upon me!  I was so relieved and thankful!

Then I became a bit agitated.  This baby was coming fast and nothing was ready!  Chris was still sleeping; the birthing pool wasn’t set up; the midwife wasn’t there.  I started having contractions, and I woke Chris up.

“I think we need to set up the birthing pool!” I said.  He seemed to take his good old time!  He didn’t feel the same urgency that I did.  When I was having contractions about every five minutes, we called Merrie to come over.  She arrived with another midwife.  I slipped into the warm birthing pool which was really just a kiddie pool with brightly colored fish decorating the sides.  I was so comfortable that my contractions completely stopped.

“I am in no hurry.  I will stay here for as long as it takes,” Merrie said. “Although, you do need to have contractions if you want to have a baby.  I have a homeopathic remedy that could start the contractions coming more regularly, if you want it.”

I said that would be great.  It was a tiny dose of minuscule white pills.  Sure enough, soon those contractions were coming again.  The pain was not bad at all, but I was feeling it in my back.  Pretty soon I had gotten onto my knees to lean over the side of the pool.  Merrie applied pressure to my back with every contraction and that helped immensely.

“I have a feeling that the back pain is being cause by the baby flipped in the wrong direction,” Mary said. “I think if he turns, he will come right out!  I have another homeopathic remedy that will turn the baby, but if he is in the correct position now, it won’t change that.”

I took it and a short time later I felt a very funny flipping and flopping feeling inside of me.  He turned!  Because the pain was so minimal, I was aware of the baby descending into the birth canal.  I knew he was coming soon!  Chris was casually taking orders for lunch.  He was planning on running out to pick up some Chinese food and eating lunch before the baby was born.

“Chris you don’t have time for that.  He is coming!  I think he is coming now!”

Merrie asked Chris if he wanted to catch the precious bundle.

“Sure!’ Chris said as he knelt on the floor and leaned over the birthing pool.  Chai came sliding into the world under the water and into Chris’ waiting hands.  It was 11:55am and we were looking at a perfect, beautiful, and normal baby boy!

chai newborn

I sat in the warm water and held him close.  We were so cozy and comfortable that we remained in the water for another half an hour and made our excited announcement calls to friends and family.

Finally we both got dried off and transferred to my bed.  I felt so incredibly happy and comfortable.  I wasn’t even bothered by those pesky after-contractions that had hurt so much the previous times.

God words had proven true!  My greatest fears had not been manifested.  In fact, just the opposite had been true!  I understood that just as God had brought this baby forth so easily, He would also bring us into our promised land. It would be His grace and His favor that would bring us into the new lives we were longing and yearning for with all of our hearts!  He had brought us redemption!

Birth Story: Part 3 – Ashlyn, the One Who Changed Everything

/ Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

ashlyn 2

I was two weeks away from my due date. It was late at night, and I felt a strange gush.  I thought my water might have broken, but I wasn’t sure.  That had never happened to me before, except at the very end of labor. Labor had not even started, but perhaps it would start soon.

Then I thought back to my first birth when the doctor had broken my water when I was half way dilated.  How that had increased the pain!  And now my bag of waters was already broken before the first contraction had commenced. Would I have to go through this entire labor with intense pain?  Suddenly a tiny seed of fear took hold.  During that sleepless night, it sent out invasive roots into my mind that became intertwined with every thought.  I couldn’t relax or rest. I was too scared that any moment a contraction would come and assault my body with pain.  This may seem very strange if you are familiar with my wonderful previous birth experiences.  Why should I be so afraid this time?

My family had been living in an atmosphere of mounting fear for the past few years.  We had started going to a new church when we moved to Colorado Springs, 6 years earlier.  At first it was wonderful, full of life and joy.  Slowly it moved away from the love and forgiveness of God and had begun to concentrate on our personal sins.  To listen to our leaders counsel us and rebuke us time and time again, you would have thought we were teetering on the edge of hell.  One wrong move and…we were done for! Talk about an atmosphere of fear!

This of course does not sound like the gospel of Jesus Christ at all!  Yet there was just enough truth woven into the lies that we continued to try to reform ourselves and gain the approval of our leadership and of God.

Later I realized that I had always had God’s love and approval despite what my church was telling me.  God had even told us to leave the church.  He had given me a scripture that said, “Do not have sons and daughters in this place.”  At the time, I thought He meant that we should not give birth to this child in Colorado Springs, but rather in New York, where some of our church members lived.  We tried to move, but it never worked out.  We thought we had messed up somehow, but we weren’t sure how.  Months later, I read that verse in my journal and the meaning became so clear!  I shouldn’t have given birth while under this leadership of fear.  But right now I was still in the thick of it, and the panic was holding back the very thing that I most needed…contractions!

The sun rose and labor had not started.  I didn’t realize what sorrow was in store.  I had no indication that the child within me had a rare chromosomal abnormality that the doctors had never heard of.  I had no idea what trauma she would have to endure in the first two days of her life, and how it would hurt my mother’s heart. (This is another story for another time. But don’t worry; this story ends with God’s wonderful redemption, just like every story in the life of a believer.) Yet I had a feeling of impending doom.  I tried to shake it off.  I tried to find my peace in Jesus, but my mind just kept spinning in fearful circles.

After we ate lunch and there were still no signs of labor, Chris and I decided to go to the hospital.  The nurse we talked to said she needed to look at the fluid under a microscope, but I had none leaking out at the moment.  The nurse didn’t think my water had broken, and was inclined to send me home, but instead, sent me on a walk and told me to come back in about an hour so she could check again.

Chris and I strolled around downtown Colorado Springs. It was a lovely, sunny day in January, and we walked around the Olympic Training Center.  It was so beautiful, and I knew that I should be enjoying the time with my husband, yet my stomach was in knots.  I was hoping that the nurse would just send me home and I could go into labor on another day, a day free from this weight of worry.  Nervousness kept bubbling over until I started to cry.

Chris tried to comfort me as we entered the hospital again, but I didn’t feel any better. All that walking had released some amniotic fluid, and they confirmed that my water had broken.

“When did it break?” the red-haired midwife named Alice asked.

“Last night around 11,” I answered.  It was now getting close to supper time.

The red-head immediately snapped to attention and spoke with alarm.

“What?!  Your water has been broken for over 12 hours?  We need to start you on Pitocin right away. And we will have to give you intravenous antibiotics to ward off any infection.”

That is not what I thought a midwife would say.  I thought a midwife would have faith in a women’s body to do what it needed to do without artificial hormones.

I started to cry uncontrollably.  I was devastated.

“I don’t want Pitocin!”  I insisted.

“We have to do it.  We have to deliver this baby as soon as possible because we don’t want you or the baby to develop an infection.  But we will start the drip slowly.”

I was taken into a birthing room and hooked up to monitors and a Pitocin drip.  I couldn’t stop crying.  My dream of a natural birth was being taken from me.  I had talked to other women who had Pitocin, and their reports had included hard, heavy contractions with intense pain…in one word – torture.

The nurse looked at me with my snotty nose and puffy red eyes.  She seemed annoyed, as though she would rather not deal with me at all.

“We will give you one round of antibiotics now and another around midnight.”

“What if I have the baby before midnight?”

I had gotten on her last nerve!

“You are NOT going to have this baby before midnight,” she snapped.  “You are not even in active labor.  It takes lots of hard contractions to birth a baby.  You probably won’t even have this baby before morning.”

I should have realized that I knew a lot more about birthing babies than she did.  After all, I had already had three, natural, wonderful births.  In my fearful, emotional state, however, her words pushed me into depression.  I saw a night of agonizing pain in front of me and I saw no way out of it.  I wished that they could just do a C-section and be done with it.  I didn’t know how to labor under the influence of Pitocin!  I just wanted to die.  Death would be better than what I would have to go through.

“And if I do get through this alive,” I thought, “I am never having anymore babies!”

Chris could see that I was falling apart.

“You are so upset because you are not in control.  You just need to give up control and trust God!  God is in control, and it is going to be just fine,” he said.

A small flame of faith was lit in my heart.  I relaxed a little and tried my best to trust in God.  It was 5:40 and I was only at 4 cm.

Our friend Chris came to the hospital and brought my husband Chris some supper.  She encouraged me to fall into the arms of Jesus.

“Pray, ‘Whatever it takes, I will do it and trust you,” she said.

I prayed that prayer and surrendered.  I was starting to feel more peaceful.  Around 8pm the contractions started in earnest.  At first they were surprisingly painful.

“If it hurts this much when I am only 4 cm dilated, how will I make it when I am at 8 or 9 or 10?!” I asked Chris, despairing again.

“Don’t worry about that.  Just take them one at a time.”

My wise and loving husband got me back on track again!  I finally remembered to relax during each contraction.  I would lean over the bed and let my belly drop and hang loose.  I would relax my arms, then my legs, and finally my face muscles.  Instant relief!

The grumpy nurse had ended her shift, and she was replaced by a solemn and worried looking nurse.  This new nurse wanted me to get into bed so she could check my cervix.  I hated lying in a bed; it was so uncomfortable!  As soon as I lay down, however, I uttered to everyone’s amazement, “I have to push!”

I gave one push and the baby’s head was visible!  The midwife ran out to get Alice.  The midwife  ran in and said, “Wow, it was a good thing I didn’t go home for supper like I was planning on! Alright, let’s have this baby!”

I was able to quiet myself and hardly push at all.  It was like a moment in a movie when everything is in slow motion, and you are aware of every small detail.  I could feel her little head crowning and easing out so gently on her own, without much extra effort on my part.  And then she was born!  So quickly, so easily!  I was in awe!  Instantly the worry and fear gave way to relief, joy and overwhelming gratitude!  I had made wrong decisions.  I hadn’t trusted God.  I had descended into the depths of despair, and God had reached down and pulled me out!  And in His great mercy, He had given me a fast, smooth birth.  It was 8:20pm.  God had proven that grumpy nurse wrong!  I was holding my sweet little Ashlyn Autumn, “God’s Vision for the Harvest” and I was content!

I learned that fear is the enemy of labor, and Jesus is the enemy of fear.  Rest in Him!  Trust in Him!  He can always turn our nightmares into a sublime Vision of His Goodness!