A Hard, Hard Season (My 11th Pregnancy and Postpartum)

November 1, 2025November 2, 2025 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

I haven’t written very much in the past 3 years. I haven’t posted anything on my blog since 2023. I have so much inside, and it is time to get it out. I fear exposure and being too vulnerable, but I also know my story is not just my own. I know there are others out there who have lived through a hard, hard season and may be haunted by the trauma left behind.

I want to tell my story of God’s goodness in it all!

The year 2023 started with many God encounters. I experienced the love of God as my father and my mother in deeper ways than I had before. Jesus started opening my heart to His romantic advances. I had knowledge of this divine romance, but had little experience with it. Jesus was wooing me! Waves and waves of His love would roll over me culminating at the Women’s Encounter in March (called Waves) when I discovered that I was pregnant at 47 with baby 11. I was so thrilled! Intimacy produces good fruit, doesn’t it?

I had so much faith for this season. I prayed that God would redeem all trauma from my 10^th pregnancy and birth. I prayed for supernatural healing and for the best pregnancy and birth yet! I heard through a couple sources a word from God, “I will give you all that you have asked for (1 Kings 5:8).”

I asked for a homebirth that would redeem the nightmare homebirth turned ambulance ride from 5 years ago. But the health care professionals I reached out to labeled me “high risk.” God worked a miracle! I friend introduced me to a “Crunchy Mama” Facebook page which introduced me to a “Homebirth” page which introduced me to a midwife who was currently pregnant with her 10^th, in her 40s, and had successfully delivered many women like me at home.

I struggled to get through the first trimester, but that is always the case for me. I was looking forward to the second trimester and taking the family vacation we had already planned for June. That beautiful, glorious vacation at a house along the Loyalsock Creek began my descent into despair. I had been hoping to be full of energy for every family outing, but I had to push myself to do anything. I still was nauseous from the first trimester, but the aches and pains plus varicose veins from the third trimester were already upon me. I had picked out the cutest outfit to wear on a date with Chris, but alas, I was already too big to wear it! Feeling old, big, and ugly; I still looked for a God encounter.

God speaks to me on every vacation we take, and this year we had revisited the area where I had first spotted an eagle. I had purchased a photo of the eagle at the Hills Grove General Store right before I walked outside and saw the eagle in person! That was six years ago, and what a wonderful adventure it has been, learning to soar with God above the earth. I tell all about it in previous blog post , and part 2

We planned a trip to the same store which is now called the McCarthy Mercantile. It looked much the same, but no eagles inside or outside! That was on Tuesday. On Wednesday I was talking to God about seeing an eagle again. It had been such a long time since I had seen one. We were leaving Saturday morning, and I didn’t want my God encounter to slip away. I was standing by an open window, listening to the rushing water of the creek outside. What a calming sound.

“This time it isn’t about the eagle. It is about the water,” I heard God say.

Oh, it was so good to hear His voice! But what did He mean? I loved the symbol of the eagle dearly and missed it. I pictured the waterfall that Much-Afraid beheld in Hinds Feet on High Places. The water was joyfully leaping down the mountain, to be broken on the rocks and to flow ever lower until it met with the expanse of the ocean.

“Am I supposed to be like that? To go lower and lower and to pour myself out like a drink offering? To not care if I live or die. To be happy about sorrow and suffering?”

This thought was not nearly as thrilling as soaring like an eagle. Even though I knew that God is always good and loving, I felt discouraged.

“This isn’t what I wanted, what I was hoping for,” I whispered to Him. If He offered me comfort, I did not hear it.

As the second trimester was nearing the third, I couldn’t resolve my severe anemia, and I blamed it for all my weird symptoms like shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and an unsteadiness that hindered me from walking in a straight line. I was supposed to be out walking, but I felt like I couldn’t walk! I was supposed to be doing exercises, but I felt like I could hardly move. I finally received an iron infusion and prayed that it would work since my midwife had been threatening to transfer my care to Divine Mercy Hospital.

It worked, at least my bloodwork said it did. But I felt no different. I wondered how I was going to get through my third trimester with this feeling and my core muscles already threatening to give out on me completely. Despite God’s love for me, one thought kept returning.

“If God loves me so much, why would He want me to suffer?”

In September I had a dream that felt very spiritual. In my dream, I was on vacation in the mountains at a Christian Retreat Center. I was sleeping so much that I hadn’t even seen the mountains. I saw two of my other friends heading out for a hike, and I didn’t want them to think that I couldn’t handle my pregnancy, so I rushed to follow them. My five-year-old daughter Aria joined me.

When we stepped out to take a walk, we found ourselves viewing a cityscape like New York City. We were in a high rise with floor to ceiling glass and the view was amazing! I saw some very large birds flying among the skyscrapers and stepped closer to the glass. Could they be eagles?

One bird started flying straight for me and in excitement I thought, “This could be my God Encounter!”

The eagle flew right up to the glass and hovered there. It was much larger than I had first thought. Horror filled my heart as I saw what the eagle really was. It was covered with fluffy white feathers, and one wing had been mangled. The bloody twisted bones protruded where the feathers had been stripped. But it’s face! Not the face of an eagle but the face of a man. A man with chalky white skin and pink and red makeup drawn haphazardly around the eyes, like a clown you would see in a horror movie. Oh, how I wished that Aria wasn’t with me to witness this dreadful sight.

I saw the expression on the ghastly face. It was smiling at me. No, smirking at me. It knew something I didn’t know and was wickedly happy about it.

Mocking me as though it was saying, “So you have trusted God? I am going to enjoy picking you apart bit by bit.”

I woke up with a start and didn’t know what to think. The next few days the face of that eagle would flash through my mind and each time my trauma response increased. Finally, I sought God and asked Him to explain it to me.

He answered in His gentle way, “That is how you are seeing me right now. You feel sorry for yourself because you feel mistreated by me. You wonder if I am good and you wonder if I love you. Take that belief system to the ultimate end and you get a God who delights in torturing you. That is not who I am.”

I felt ashamed! Yet unable to get out from under it. Finally, I told Chris about the dream and how I felt about God telling me that it is not about the eagle this time but the water. He helped to bring me out of my hormonal haze and show me reality. He saw the water as a very positive thing. He sent me a video of water flowing over a dam so I could hear the sound whenever I needed it. When I listened to it, I heard, “Nothing bad has happened.” I was fearing and worrying over many things, but none of them had manifested…except my sorrow and suffering. How to bear up under it?

Pastor Charles had been doing a series on Strongholds, and I realized that I had one: a mindset impregnated with hopelessness about situations contrary to God’s will that I had accepted as unchangeable. I was sitting in church listening, but pain in my back and neck wouldn’t allow me to stay any longer. I had to get up and go to the bathroom. A dear friend and prayer counselor, Lori, was in the ladies’ room, and she asked me how I was doing. I probably mustered a “pretty good” or “ok”, but actually I was in the depths of despair. Lori looked me in the eyes and said, “Are you depressed?” I don’t think I have ever answered “yes” to the question before, but I did this time.

She whisked me off to her prayer room and, oh the tears and wonderful words of God that were released there. It was a lifeline to keep me going.

I texted Chris, who was still in the service, about where I was. He forgot to check his phone, so after the service, he had many of the women scouring every nook and cranny of the church to find me. He was worried enough to organize a search party, and I felt so loved!

The rest of my pregnancy became about trusting moment by moment, getting as comfortable as I could, and sleeping. I was able to sleep 14 hours a day and still felt exhausted, but how glorious was the sleep! I began to visualize how I wanted my labor to go. The bulk of the contracting and dilating would happen while I slept. I would wake up to discover that my baby had dropped into position. He would slide out easily. I wouldn’t be pregnant anymore! I could eat whatever I wanted! I could sit and nurse to my heart’s content! I could meet this mysterious little man who flipped and twisted and laid himself out diagonally inside me.

At 38 weeks I received a phone call from my midwife. She explained that my bloodwork came back with some very bad numbers, and she was worried that I had a condition I had never heard of before (some rare form of preeclampsia). She used a lot of words, but I understood almost none of them. She wanted me to pack a bag and go to Divine Mercy to be induced immediately! I wanted to collapse in bed and wail, but I had visitors sent by Ashlyn’s case worker to set up care for her. I got through the meeting and received another call from the midwife.

“I called Divine Mercy. They told me that your bloodwork isn’t as bad as I thought. I can monitor you until you deliver, and if your blood pressure doesn’t go up and your bloodwork doesn’t get worse, you should be fine. But you must take your blood pressure twice a day, eat protein every hour, and double your water intake,” she said.

Now I had many more hoops to jump through to secure my homebirth but…phew! I was incredibly relieved!!

This baby was going to come early…any day now, I just knew it. He was so heavy and so low, he just had to be ready. My midwife had explained that mothers of many babies tend to go late because their bellies have been overextended and the baby isn’t in line with the birth canal. I faithfully taped up my belly as far as I could manage with kinesiology tape and tried not to bother with how itchy it was. Everyday I went to bed with the expectation, “This could be the night.” Every morning, I woke up pregnant. I experienced contractions while I slept. Just mild ones that wouldn’t wake me up but would be in my dreams. Finally at almost 40 weeks, I stopped thinking that baby Camden would come early and just said to myself, “I made it through this day, I can make it through another,” and would fall asleep in peace. Now I was getting stronger contractions at night that would wake me up, but I was able to go back to sleep.

Finally on Dec 4^th, only 3 days overdue, the glorious morning came when the contractions didn’t stop. I experienced a redeeming home birth that played out much like I prayed that it would. Except that it wasn’t easy or pain free. It was the most painful of the 11.

And there was a little trouble afterwards with a sudden flow of blood that convinced the midwife and my husband that I was minutes away from dying.

This prompted a 911 call and a flurry of activity that changed the entire atmosphere: from relaxed and comfortable bliss to frantic and jarring fear. Thankfully, I quickly stabilized, and the ambulance was canceled. Chris said it was the prayer team he had assembled in a matter of seconds. The midwife said it was Camden who saved me as he nursed and looked at me with wide eyes. I said I was never going to die and felt just fine (until I tried to stand and walk).

Overall, it was a beautiful, fast homebirth to a robust and healthy boy! I was so thankful!

There was the small detail of a strange man pushing his way into my bedroom to ask me questions while I nursed my baby, still laying naked on my bed. The ambulance hadn’t been canceled after all! That indecency haunted me for months afterward.

I finally asked Chris, “Why didn’t any of you think to cover me in that moment?”

“You should be glad to be alive! You need to remember all the miracles God has done for us,” he would reply. And he would list them again and again. I wrote them down and meditated on them. It was truly stunning what God had done for us!

Yet I found myself weeping often: when Camden wasn’t gaining enough weight, when I recovered so slowly, when I noticed how hard it was on the rest of the family, when I felt like a burden, when I wasn’t even good at my main job – nursing. Finally, Chris called Lori and had her talk to me while I lay on our bed, exhausted. Again, I was able to release tears and trauma and except His love.

That was the turning point where I left depression behind and embraced this new season before me. I love the newborn stage and tried to enjoy every minute: through homeschooling, through nursing and making of homemade formula, through Chris’ transition from a good, steady income with health insurance to owning a business with no guarantees. We also had so many good times with our children and many opportunities to experience grace.

Summer and then autumn came again. I felt God leading me to homeschool my two high school boys in addition to the other 3 younger children. I had never done high school before because it was just too difficult. It is just like God to give me this assignment while I was still feeling like my pregnancy had left me much weaker than before. He believed in me.

I had pruned my life down to the essentials: sleeping, eating, praying, taking care of my family and then cleaning, cooking, and homeschool if there was time. It was hard to get the family all to church. Hanging out with friends became a very rare treat. I had dropped out of women’s prayer. I wasn’t posting any blog articles or interacting much on social media. In October I felt compelled to dedicate Camden at church. I just had to release a spoken testimony about this miracle baby, or I was going to bust! He was happy, healthy, and developing perfectly.

A few days after Camden’s first birthday I was able to attend the Women’s event in December. It was very powerful and Marcey started us out with a quote from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”.

Aslan said to Lucy and Susan after his resurrection, “Climb onto my back, we have far to go, and little time to get there.”

I pictured Grace carrying me all this time. That was the only way I was going to get anywhere important.

Marcey said, “This will be the ride of our lives. It will be hard, but I don’t want you to disqualify yourselves. We need all of us. We need to surrender to Him.”

She was speaking right to me and igniting a fire. I didn’t just want to survive; I wanted to run my race again and let Grace carry me to places unknown.

Each woman had been given a little journal with a personalized word printed on the inside. My word was, “UNBROKEN.” I pulled mine out and started writing.

We watched a clip of the movie and Aslan was talking again after his resurrection, “If they [those who had killed him on the stone table] would have understood the power of sacrifice, they would have interpreted the ancient prophecy differently. When someone who has committed no treason, willingly gives themselves up, the stone table will crack, and death itself will begin to move backwards.”

The power of sacrifice – the phase seemed to burn into my mind.

“Is that what you have been doing in my life the past two years?” I asked God. Each moment of weakness, pain, depression, shame, and seeming defeat that I had gone through…could it be that there was power in it? My sacrifice to carry my 11^th miracle child contained within it little gems of power to bring God’s glory to the earth? I didn’t realize it at the time, but perhaps my feeble attempts to praise God and follow Him through the sacrifice were like little altars, the smoke of sweet-smelling incense rising to heaven and pleasing God?

A vision of the evil eagle from my dream popped into my mind again. It still plagued me from time to time. It brought shame when I remembered it, because I thought it was just my subconscious mind showing me how I viewed God, a reminder of how far I had fallen from my lovesick devotion prior to becoming pregnant.

I heard a whisper from God, “Your enemy showed you his face. He thought he could take you out, take your baby out, take your family out. Not once did he pluck you out of my hands. Your life and purpose were secure the entire time. You remain UNBROKEN.”

Peace began to chase away the shame. I asked God what I should do with the image of the devilish eagle. I began to surrender to God and saw a rushing river. The water was so dark, it was black. I couldn’t see how deep it was or where it was going. The eagle circled above the river. Dark water in the form of great black arms reached for the bird. The water pulled my enemy down into the river and the eagle was completely consumed, never to be seen again.

I prayed, “I surrender to your river, your living water. It feels like a risk – I can’t see the bottom; it is so dark. I can’t discern where it is going. I don’t know what will happen to me. Will I sink, swim, or float?”

It seemed like I received an immediate answer from the LORD as Yadira’s voice broke through, “This is a new day. You have been tested and purified. You have been given a double portion of faith. A new assignment. You are being commissioned for a new assignment. Surrender to whatever God wants.”

A new surrender

A deeper surrender

A holy surrender

The perfect conclusion to a hard, hard season.

How God Encountered Me at the 2022 Women’s Encounter

March 4, 2023 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 3 Comments

My church, Life Center Ministries International, does something wonderful every spring.

It is called “The Women’s Encounter” because it is not just a conference but an experience of God’s love. From the lovely decorations to the friendly faces all around, God’s love is evident. Each year the attendees receive a word, a scripture, a gift, teaching, and personal prayer.

Last year’s Encounter was called “The Garden.”

Many women from Life Center came to the stage to share stories; essentially their spiritual seeds, refreshing water, aromatic herbs, and stunning bouquets of flowers. Each one uniquely displayed the goodness of God, and I felt unable to fully absorb the richness of it all.

I would like to share four of my God Encounters.

1.My word was “Rekindle”.

I loved that word! I pictured a rekindled fire in my heart; more love, more passion. Later in the year the word took on a deeper meaning when my husband and I were planning a romantic beach getaway. I was praying about it in July and God gave me a scripture, 1 Samuel 2:8-10. The Message states verse 8 like this;

“He puts poor people on their feet again; he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope; restoring dignity and respect to their lives – a place in the sun!”

As our retreat approached, Chris and I decided that we would spend some of our trip writing down our visions and dreams for the future. In 2013 I had started a dream journal where I recorded 171 dreams that I believed God would fulfill. Years of disappointment caused me to put that journal on the shelf and not opened it again. It felt much safer to leave it alone and spend my energies on the challenges of the present. But now I felt God asking me to revisit a few of those dreams, and it was much more painful than I thought it would be.

At the beach, with the cold and windswept ocean outside the window, we started to type our “Family Vision”. I had a vivid dream that night that I named, “House of Hospitality” in my journal. I didn’t quite understand it, but since then God has been showing me the peace and beauty of His vision for my life.

Since our trip in October, I have felt a rekindling of my dreams and a fresh hope overtake the burned-out parts of my life. I took my dream journal out again and started fresh with the title “Reawakening Dreams 2022.”

2. At the 2022 Women’s Encounter I received a scripture, Matt16:19

“I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

This was a confirmation of a scripture I had received from a friend for my birthday which just happened to be 2/22/22 last year. Is 22:22 (ESV)

“And I will place on his shoulder the key of the house of David. He shall open, and none shall shut; and he shall shut, and none shall open.”

I was deeply impacted by these two verses and used them as my guide throughout the year as I took more authority in prayer.

3. I was on the ministry team and had two opportunities to pray for all the women who stood before me.

This was my favorite part! I could feel God’s overwhelming love for each of His daughters, some I knew and others I had never met. I was blessed by their stories and sweet spirits. I could feel Jesus fill my mouth with the prayers He was praying and the words He was speaking over them.

4. One of the most amazing God encounters during the 2022 Women’s Encounter actually happened in my home after the conference was over.

But it all started when Anne Stock was on stage the day before talking about the higher ways of our Master Gardener. She referenced the parable in Matthew 20 where the workers hired at the end of the day were paid the same wage as those who had been hired at the beginning of the day. I had always felt so thankful that the last would get the same reward as the first, because I considered myself part of the last generation who would see Jesus return to the earth. How amazing that I would receive the same reward from Him as those who had lived in previous generations but had never seen the fulfillment of so many promises!

In Anne’s sweet and wise way, she reframed this parable in a context I had never considered. Those who were not hired until later were not late in coming to the market place, nor were they lazy and not wanting to work. They were waiting in faith at the marketplace the whole day. They were expecting to be hired, they wanted to be hired, but it appeared as though they had been passed over. Anne said something like this, “The woman who has 10 children and has been living in her calling this whole time, you who have been waiting for a baby – you get the same reward.”

A friend sitting next to me poked me in the shoulder and gave me a knowing look, probably because I have 10 children.

“Was Anne thinking of me when she said that?” I thought to myself while feeling vaguely unsettled. I had never considered myself the one who had been hired first and the thought seemed a bit unfair. I quickly forgot about it as I engaged in the rest of the conference.

The next morning, I woke up early with a headache. I went to take a shower and have my praise and worship session with God. I began to sing out Matt 11:28-30 in the Message:

“Are you tired? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

I had chosen that scripture to post on my mirror because I thought my husband could really use it. He had seemed burned out lately. When I sang, “I will never lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you” I began to cry with unforeseen, deep sorrow. Immediately I remembered the reference to a woman of 10 children working through the heat of the day from Anne’s talk the previous day. Like a movie, memories began to play through my mind. Memories of my early days of mothering. Hard days. Impossible days. I felt alone and overwhelmed. I felt like a failure. So much physical and emotional work during the heat of the day. No good support network. Religious pressure to “be a good wife and mother” and not act like I was dying, not ask for help. Not receiving help when I finally asked.

I hadn’t felt the pain of those days in many years. I had forgotten that what it felt like. I didn’t realize that I still carried it.

Through my stifled sobs, Jesus was telling me that He had never laid anything heavy or ill-fitting on me. Not even on my most impossible day.

I had taken the heavy yoke upon myself by making myself a victim, not believing His words, believing the lies, and accepting the pressure the enemy put on me. I asked God to forgive me for carrying my blessings like they were burdens. I forgave all the friends and family who could have helped but didn’t. I thanked God for all the help that I did receive. I thanked Him for enabling me to dig a trench in the isolated desert that He could fill with His grace. I thanked Him for grace on top of grace on top of grace.

I felt His presence washing away the pain and exhaustion of that season and taking away my fear of that season returning. I heard Him gently say, “You never have to go back to carrying the heavy load through the heat of the day. Take my light burden today and every day. You are now heading toward the cool of the evening.”

I felt healed and refreshed and my headache suddenly disappeared. This intense work of the spirit only took about 10 minutes. I hadn’t expected it or asked for it, but the overwhelming goodness of Jesus had encountered me. I felt it a privilege rather than a burden to be allowed to enter so early into my calling to raise 10 children, 24 years ago. And I am not nearly done yet. I have at least 14 more years with children in my home, and I am so happy about it! The first shall be last and the last shall be first, and I am so blessed to abide in Jesus wherever I end up in the line. What a beautiful “Garden” of His presence He has created for me!

I know that I will find Him in unexpected ways in the midst of the “Waves”, The Women’s Encounter March 24-25, 2023.

How do we Prepare for What is Coming Next?

July 30, 2021 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 4 Comments

“And I will make room for You

To do whatever You want to,”

I was in worship at Life Center Church on 5/16/21. I was singing these words with the rest of the congregation.

My eyes turned to Jesus. My mind filled with faith and His words. He led my thoughts to a higher plain. I began to muse about what was coming next, what God was preparing to do.

I knew there was an epic war raging. I knew that there were fierce battles to come. Yet I was in perfect peace. All the schemes of the enemy, God was using for good. He was setting everything in place for the greatest awakening the US and the earth has ever known.

What may seem to many the end of freedom and our great Republic, is the beginning of true courage and boldness. What may paralyze some with fear will cause others to rise and rejoice…

BECAUSE HIS SPIRIT IS COMING UPON US LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

I began to imagine what revival could look like.

The prayers I have prayed for the last 30 years will start to manifest!

There will be a return to God in the public schools, government, and military!

I will see miracles of healing as I pray for people around me.

Darkness will be revealed, and truth will shine forth in every sector of culture.

Everything that can be shaken will be shaken, and many people will experience the very foundations of their lives crumbling to nothing.

People will be searching for answers.

The churches will overflow!

The home will become the epicenter for revival.

My family will have burning hearts, encountering God!

My neighbors will knock on my door and ask, “What do I need to do to be saved?”

I will have the answer that can save them from fear and death.

I have extra Bibles that I can give out!

I can gather new believers in my home for Bible study, prayer, and discipleship.

Couldn’t we all do that?

My holy imaginings have been confirmed by Dutch Sheets in the July 9^th Give Him 15.

Dutch shared what God was speaking, “I’m about to bring the gifts, power, anointing, and strength of all 5 [past revivals] into one unprecedented outpouring of my spirit…Revival fires are about to burn in America!”

Also Wanda Alger put out a video, “From Shell Shocked to Victorious”

She shared that the harvest in the next ten years will be so great, it will require “all hands on deck” in the body of Christ.

How do we prepare to be part of this amazing future?

“Here is where I lay it down

Every burden, every crown

This is my surrender

This is my surrender…

Shake up the ground of all my tradition

Break down the walls of all my religion

Your way is better

Oh Your way is better,” I continued to sing with the worship team.

I began to ask God to prepare me, and I saw a picture in my mind. I saw pathways in my brain, some very tiny and others superhighways. Each led to a filing cabinet. I saw God opening files and ripping out papers that were written with lies. I saw Him taking out other documents and crossing out certain statements, while highlighting others. I saw Him purging entire filing cabinets and dismantling the highways that led to them. I saw additional pathways being built up leading to fresh revelations. New, divine files were being added.

He was renewing my mind!

He was building my brain the way it should be. He was showing me that I could plug into the Holy Spirit and have Him direct my thoughts and attitudes every moment. He could show me what input was true and what was false, what I should save, and where I should file it. In every situation I encounter, He could bring to the forefront of my mind those files that He wants me access for the sake of the lost and fearful.

The landscape of our brains can be changed and renewed as Dr. Caroline Leaf has proven scientifically. Our thoughts determine the physical structure of our brains. Our thoughts determine our attitudes, our beliefs, our actions, and our words.

What would happen if we were aligned with Him in all our thoughts?

We would always be in the right place at the right time!

We would never be afraid.

We would always be ready to give an answer for this hope that we have!

We would be equipped to throw out the lifeline to the drowning soul.

We would be overflowing with His healing to give to the broken.

We could participate in the Epic Battle of the Last Days, and we would be victorious!

We could ride along side the Great and Fiery One as He defeats our enemies for all time!

“I Will NOT Forget You,” says the LORD

February 21, 2021 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

What is God saying in this time?

That is the most important question right now.

It is hard to believe any of the news being reported. It all seems fake and surreal. We are living under an administration that was neither chosen by the people nor chosen by God. They are proud of the fact that they oppose the ways of God at every turn.

Just like the king of Assyria in Isaiah 37, God is asking them this question, “Whom have you been defying and ridiculing? Against whom did you raise your voice? At whom did you look with such haughty eyes? It was the Holy One of Israel! (NLT)”

Not only are they raging against conservatives, Trump supporters, Christians, and those who believe in our constitution; they are raging against THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL! Surely He will defend His holy name.

All that matters right now is God’s perspective. What is He seeing? What is He saying? What is He doing?

It may seem that our role is difficult to define. What should each one of us be doing right now? Praying in our secret place? Preaching the Kingdom in the streets? Calling and writing our representatives in all levels of government?

God gave me an answer that will guide me through my life, through the highs and the lows, through abundant blessing and crushing defeats, through ruling over my inheritance and living under a hostile regime.

“Stand with me. Be with me wherever I am. Go with me wherever I go. Do whatever you see me doing.”

I imagine myself being found in Christ. My small frame is decked out with the full armor of Christ, yet I am hidden and overshadowed by His mighty form. He has trained my hands for war and makes me mightily in battle. Still, He is infinitely larger and more powerful than I. I can hide in him, yet stand with Him. If people fight against Him and revile Him, they will do the same to me. If people are open to Him, they will be open to me. If I suffer with Him, I can also share in His glory.

In my small life with my small sphere of influence, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me what He is doing in each relationship and in each circumstance, and I try to do the same.

How can I make a difference in my nation? I stand my ground, stay in my rank, and listen to His voice. I will pray what He prays, speak what He speaks, and believe that He can use my little part to do the impossible.

I was praying with some family and friends days before the inauguration. God led me to a scripture in Isaiah 49.

14But Zion said, “The LORD has forsaken me;

the Lord has forgotten me!”

15“Can a woman forget her nursing child,

or lack compassion for the son of her womb?

Even if she could forget,

I will not forget you!

16Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

your walls are ever before Me.

17Your builders hasten back;

your destroyers and wreckers depart from you. (BSB)

I heard Jesus saying to the United States of America, “I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!”

How encouraging and comforting that Jesus cares about our country!

He has not forgotten His covenant with the USA. He has not forgotten a single word He has spoken over our nation. He will fulfill every one of His promises and purposes for this nation. He has heard the prayers of His people.

Then Jesus became more intense as I heard Him whisper, “I have NOT forgotten you!” I saw him whispering in the ears of those hidden in darkness with no hope.

His precious babies in the womb.

His dear ones trapped in sex trafficking and pedophilia.

His future generations yet unborn.

Photo by **Tatiana Syrikova** from **Pexels**

“I have NOT forgotten you!”

The Lion of the Tribe of Judah is whispering and ROARING!

“I have not forgotten you!”

The God of the Angel Armies is tenderly speaking!

“I have not forgotten you!”

The Captain of the Hosts is courageously announcing!

I felt in that moment that His rescue plan was unstoppable, His purposes were irresistible.

NOTHING CAN HOLD BACK WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO DO!

How can I stand with Him while I wait patiently for Him to act? Two scriptures gave me an answer.

2 Chronicles 20

God caused a multitude of the enemies of Jehoshaphat to turn on each other and wipe each other out. Not only did God save his people, but He Gave them more spoils that they could carry away. What happened right before the victory? His people gathered as the prophet had instructed them to do and sang,

“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.”

2 Chronicles 5:6-14

11Then the priests left the Holy Place. All the priests who were present had purified themselves, whether or not they were on duty that day. 12And the Levites who were musicians—Asaph, Heman, Jeduthun, and all their sons and brothers—were dressed in fine linen robes and stood at the east side of the altar playing cymbals, lyres, and harps. They were joined by 120 priests who were playing trumpets. 13The trumpeters and singers performed together in unison to praise and give thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals, and other instruments, they raised their voices and praised the LORD with these words:

“He is good! His faithful love endures forever!”

At that moment a thick cloud filled the Temple of the LORD. 14The priests could not continue their service because of the cloud, for the glorious presence of the LORD filled the Temple of God.

And what happened before the glory of the LORD filled the temple? The priests had purified themselves and then they sang,

“He is good! His faithfulness endures forever!”

As we wait for His victory, we can trust Him. As we long for His glory to fall, we can believe His prophets. As we wait for the light to shine into the dark places, we can draw near to Him. As we pray for His dear ones to be saved, this is what we can do:

Purify ourselves!

Thank God!

Praise God!

Worship God!

Remind ourselves of His Goodness!

He will not forget, and His steadfast love endures forever.

My Biggest Breakthrough

January 13, 2020 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 4 Comments

“Take me from where I’ve been into something new.

I’m giving up control.

I need a breakthrough.”

This chorus from the song by Chris McClarney kept playing through my mind, over and over. Pretty soon I was singing the song to God as I was getting ready in my hotel room. I was preparing for the second day of my amazing, miracle trip to Texas. A few months earlier my daughter Areli had invited me to the YWAM base in Tyler, TX to attend her graduation ceremony. She was graduating from the Discipleship Training School, the same school I had graduated from 25 years earlier.

My first reaction to her invitation was to laugh! How could I leave my family and spend the money for plane tickets to travel to Texas for a weekend? It just wasn’t economical or logical. Yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea. I would need to take Aria who was still nursing and too little to be without her mama. I would need to find someone to provide personal care for my special needs teenager before school and before bedtime each day. I would need to make sure the rest of the children were taken care of and make sure they had meals to eat. I would need to find an amazing deal on a plane ticket. God would need to provide a miracle of extra money!

I didn’t say anything to Chris at first because I thought he would shoot me down. He works long hours and I hated to ask him to handle things at home while I was gone. I just couldn’t stop thinking about this trip!

When I told Chris about it the following day, he was more excited about the opportunity than I was!

“You should go! It would be so special for you to return to your alma mater! I think you should go,” he said.

I was so surprised! What an amazing husband I have! I started praying that God would put all the pieces together. Areli started praying. Areli’s friends and leaders started praying. Within a month and a half God had worked it all out. Aria and I were going to fly to Texas on Thursday and return home on Sunday. We were even able to change Areli’s return flight home to be the same as ours.

I was astounded that God would do this for me! I had never traveled without Chris since we had gotten married. I also had never traveled with a baby by myself before. I was nervous but so excited! I felt that God wanted to speak to me on this trip. I got some friends to pray for me, that God would encounter me and Aria and Areli.

Now it was Friday, and I was in Texas. The two flights the day before had gone better than I had expected. Aria was much easier than I had hoped for! I had gotten a bigger and better hotel room than I was supposed to have. The weather was gorgeous! I was meeting such wonderful people.

“Take me from where I’ve been into something new.

I’m giving up control.

I need a breakthrough.”

I continued to sing this chorus. I was trying to worship God while I prepared myself and Aria to attend the base worship service that morning. I was feeling so thankful and so happy, yet I became aware of another nagging feeling. What was it exactly? Guilt? Anxiety?

I realized that I wanted to do everything right on this trip, to make the most of this short time. I really wanted to be an encouragement to every person I met and to share with the students my perspective of the school 25 years later. I didn’t feel like I had done that at all.

I was about to walk out the door to head to the Paris Fellowship Center for worship when I heard God say, “You don’t HAVE to do ANYTHING. Just rest and enjoy.”

It was startling how those simple words changed my outlook. All of a sudden I felt at peace and ready to enjoy my vacation.

The worship was so simple. Just two women singing, one of whom was playing a guitar. The spirit was sweet and I felt God’s presence. I was also aware of a familiar feeling. The sensation I used to have when I attended base worship 25 years ago. A self-consciousness that wondered how others would judge me when they saw me. Was I being too demonstrative in worship? Was I being too reserved? Did I look like a tired, out of shape, middle aged mom? Or maybe someone would think I looked young enough to be Areli’s sister? These thoughts caused a low-grade stress that was so distracting yet so normal. I thought I had left this type of insecurity behind years ago, but it was still with me.

I just wanted to worship God with my whole heart, without thinking about myself. All of a sudden I felt as though the space above me opened and I could feel the love of God pouring over me without blockages, without filters. I had never before felt His love this strongly, this purely.

“You could do everything wrong for the rest of your life and my love for you wouldn’t change. I created you because it made me happy. I delight in you!”

I felt free of stress, worry, and all pressure to perform. A weight had been lifted from my shoulders that I never knew was there. For the first time in my life, I felt fully FREE, fully LOVED!!

This was the answer to ALL my problems! This was what I had always strived to achieve but never knew I already had!! It was hard for me to believe because it went against my ingrained thought patterns.

I felt the open heaven close slightly.

“Oh no! God, help me to hold on to this! Don’t let me lose this awareness of your love!” I prayed as worship came to a close.

I still felt His love more than I ever had. I remained peaceful in the freedom He had just given me. I enjoyed the rest of the trip in the afterglow of this experience. There were certain things I knew were true about me.

I was a dream in God’s heart before He made the world. (Eph 1:4, Rom 8:29)

He brought me into this life because He wanted me. I made Him so happy! (James 1:19)

I brought Him delight before I knew right from wrong, before I ever tried to please Him.

Jesus died for me. He won the victory for me. He won every victory. It is already done! (1 Cor 15:57, John 19:30)

The redemption of God is stronger and bigger than me. Bigger than anyone. Bigger than the world and bigger than the devil. Bigger than my mistakes. (Is 65:17-25, Col 1:20)

I will spend eternity with God in joy and joy and more joy.(PS 16:11)

I can rejoice now! (Phil 4:4)

I don’t need to worry about anything, ever! (1 Peter 5:7)

His love is unwavering. (Jer 31:3)

I knew that believing all these truths was the key to actually being able to accomplish my purpose on this earth and love others. I could never do it by trying hard. The work of God is this, to BELIEVE! (John 6:29)

While I was in Texas this seemed easy to believe.

“God has answered my prayers and has given me my biggest breakthrough! To simply live in His love!” I thought. I was excited to return home and live in this revelation that I had known before in my head but now understood in my spirit. Living in His unconditional acceptance would finally slay the fear of man and insecurity that had always been my close companions.

However, you can’t live on the mountaintop forever. Eventually you have to keep going and encounter a valley. And with any new revelation there is always a test. Why do I forget that there is always a test?

Heaven and hell both press in to demand an answer to this question, “Do you truly believe what God has just told you?”

I wish I could say that I passed the test, but that was not the case. I found that my biggest breakthrough could also lead to the darkest valley I had yet encountered…

To be continued…

A Hawk, a Vulture, and an Eagle: God’s Voice!

October 29, 2017 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

I heard Bill Johnson say recently;

“Instead of emphasizing our inability or our weakness in hearing God’s voice, it would be wiser for us to emphasize His ability to be heard.”

I just experienced God’s amazing ability to be heard despite my reluctance to listen.

The Hawk

I was just minutes from home, returning from a trip to the farm. Calvin and I were enjoying the peaceful Saturday drive while listening to Revelations on CD.

“WHACK!!!!!”

Suddenly a huge bird slammed into the corner of my windshield with such force, I thought that certainly it must have killed itself. I saw it only for a split second before it fell and disappeared, but it looked like a hawk.

I felt shaken. I felt sad and guilty and wondered why this had happened. You see, I had been searching the landscape for hawks lately. I longed to catch sight of this bird of prey, hoping to unlock some mystery. Now I had just encountered a hawk much closer than I ever expected, and it wasn’t a good experience. Just a moment after the sickening, “WHACK!”, a voice on the CD said…”I saw an eagle flying overhead…” (Revelation 8:13)

It had all started over a year ago when I remembered that God had told me that I was an eagle and I was to raise my children as eagles. I wrote an article about it. My interest in eagles became an obsession as this majestic bird kept showing up in my God encounters. (See my some of my other articles, The Sky and the Ocean, Maleficent .)

I was never much of a bird watcher, but lately I had been watching the skies constantly, trying to spot an eagle. Whenever I took a drive in the country, I would see huge, dark birds. They looked so beautiful and so free, soaring high above me.

Chris was with me one day when I spotted some of my “eagles.” I was so excited to show him.

“Those are buzzards. You know, turkey vultures,” he informed me.

“What! How can you tell? They are so far away?” I said. I was so disappointed! Had I really been looking to the vulture for spiritual inspiration?

“Trust me, those are buzzards!”

“But I want to see an eagle! How will I know when I see one?” I wondered.

“I don’t think eagles circle like that, and they are usually alone. They don’t spend as much time in the sky circling like the vulture does. Like the hawk I saw today, sitting in a tree. ” Chris answered.

Google had told me that there were two eagles that lived in Pennsylvania, the Bald Eagle and the Golden Eagle, but they didn’t seem very common. I decided that spotting a hawk was a much more realistic expectation. I could learn what I needed to know from the hawk, which was very much like the eagle, just smaller, I reasoned.

I concluded that I would look for a hawk from now on. They were smaller and lighter colored, such as the Cooper’s Hawk or the Red Tailed Hawk that Cadin had seen close to our home. I wouldn’t get them confused with a buzzard.

I told Chris about my violent hawk sighting. He said jokingly, “God is trying to tell you something. He wants you to get the message so badly, that He had to smack that poor bird into your van!”

Perhaps God wanted to discourage me from looking to the hawk. He had spoken to me about an eagle. He had told me that I was supposed to be an eagle. Perhaps I should believe that He would show me a real eagle.

Immediately my mind reeled.

“How ridiculous! There probably aren’t any eagles living around here! Even if there were, how could I see them up in a tree somewhere. If they were flying, how could I ever tell them apart from the vulture…and I don’t want to make that embarrassing mistake again.”

The fear of disappointment came to me with such force when I even considered believing God for a real eagle sighting. The many disappointments of the past few years had conditioned that response.

The thought that I was destined to actually BE an eagle – lifted by God’s presence, seeing from a higher perspective, speaking with a prophetic voice – seemed even more farfetched and foolish to me. Me, the one who had been admiring the VULTURE, for goodness sake. All my recent shortcoming flooded my mind. I didn’t feel at all like the person I was meant to be. I didn’t feel like I would ever learn to fly.

There it was! The point God was trying to get across! I had given up on being an eagle because it seemed impossible. I had downgraded my vision to the hawk.

Then He began to show me that my thoughts and attitudes recently had been very self-loathing, full of my own failures and weaknesses. I was reminded of a conversation I had with Chris just a week before. I had been investigating avenues for publishing my first book. It seemed that every possibility turned into a dead end. The only option I found was to pay what I considered to be an exorbitant sum for assisted publishing. And what if we spent all that money (which we didn’t have) to publish my book and no one bought it? I was afraid to even ask friends to look over my manuscript and give feedback. What if they thought it was too long and too boring?

Chris couldn’t understand my fears.

“Do you believe in your writing? Do you think God Gave it to you? Do you think He will use it to impact other people? You have to believe in it. The way you are talking, you sound like the vultures in Rick Joyner’s vision.” Chris said.

The Vulture

I was very familiar with this vision from the book, The Final Quest. It meant a lot to me because I used to be a prisoner in that camp of fear. I used to have those vultures of depression vomiting their condemnation all over me on a regular basis. But I had found the freedom to live in the love and joy of the Kingdom of God…or so I thought.

Chris continued, “It sounds like you are speaking the words of the vultures, vomiting lies all over yourself and your writing. You need to stop!” Chris sounded mad. At the time I felt that he just didn’t understand, that my insecurity and fear were justified.

Yet now, I was realizing that I had been living under this cloud of depression, thinking that it was normal. God brought to my mind another bird sighting that had happened back in November. God had stretched me beyond what I thought I was capable of, and I felt my authority increasing. I had prayed crazy, unrealistic prayers. I had received unbelievable answers to those prayers. An amazing victory had been won! I felt elated! Still on an emotional high, I began to read a prophetic word posted on Facebook by Veronika West. In essence it said:

The enemy had endured a devastating wound, but we should be on guard because a backlash was coming. The enemy wasn’t going down without a fight.

As I pondered what that meant, I looked out the kitchen window and saw a huge vulture sitting on the roof of the church right across the street. It was looking straight at me, and it gave me the creeps. Perhaps it was a physical manifestation of an evil spirit, so I prayed that God would hide me, and I told it to leave. I saw the dark bird take flight, circle the church steeple, and fly away. I had never seen a vulture in my neighborhood before that day, and I have not seen one since.

Now God was reminding me of the incident. The light bulb went on in my head.

My Good Father allowed me to see the strategy of the enemy against me.

The enemy knew that if I would submit to fear and allow those vultures to vomit their lies on me, I would live under that cloud of depression. I wouldn’t be able to see clearly. I wouldn’t trust God to flow through me. I wouldn’t believe in Him or believe in myself. I wouldn’t be able to take flight and become an eagle.

“Forgive me for thinking the lies are more realistic than the words you have given me,” I prayed.

The Eagle

As God began to shine His light on these things, I decided to take the risk to believe again. I began to ask Him to let me see an eagle, a real live eagle. I wanted to see one close enough so I wouldn’t mistake it for a vulture.

I also began to ask Him to make ME into an eagle, as unrealistic as that seemed. The dark cloud began to lift and I began to hope again.

While all of this was taking place in my heart, I was hard at work planning a family vacation. The first three days in October we would be staying in a cabin up north, enjoying the outdoors. It had been three years since we had been able to get away. This was so special, so important for our family, that I wanted everything to be perfect. I began to worry.

“What if I put in all this effort to plan and pack, and it is all for nothing?”

A thousand little details began to transform into a thousand things that could go wrong. The fear of disappointment reared its ugly head again. I began to think back to the last time I had tried to plan a family vacation, the last time I had prayed that God would give us a family vacation. It was two years ago. We had just endured 4 years of the toil and stress of business ownership. We faced the heartbreak of having to close our business. We were in the process of selling our sign shop. I was praying for enough money to break even, and just a little extra to take the family camping for a week. A week to reconnect and to heal.

My heart’s desire was deferred. The sale fell through. Bills, debts, and bankruptcy ensued…but no family vacation. Why did I think that it would work out for us this time?

“I am doing it again! I will not live under that cloud of fear and lies! I need to believe that my Good Father is working everything out for us. I need to just trust Him! This will be a wonderful vacation! It will be a blessing to each child and bring us all closer together,” I thought to myself.

My faith began to rise again. I watched my Good Father work out every detail. He gave us a cabin to stay in for free! He worked out the schedules of all the children and gave us everything that we needed.

I was getting the feeling that my Father was orchestrating this vacation to be a redemption of the one that we had lost. I was beginning to expect Him to speak to me in wonderful ways while we were away.

“And perhaps I will even see an eagle!” I began to think.

To Be Continued…

Our 21st Honeymoon: A Moonrise, A Sunset, and a Sunrise

October 8, 2017 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

Chris and I celebrated our 21st anniversary on August 3rd. It is always so hot in August, and we are not fans of heat and humidity. Why did we pick August to get married, we ask ourselves? Last year we celebrated our 20th on the hottest day of the entire year! This year we decided to wait until October. God provided a beautiful beach getaway at Ocean City, Maryland, and it was lovely!!

I have only been to the beach a handful of times in my life. Florida when I was a preschooler. Ocean City, New Jersey when I was in Elementary School. The beautiful white sand beaches of Belize after I graduated from High School. Brigantine Island for our honey moon. Duck, North Carolina with the family 6 years ago. This time I think I really understood why people return again and again.

First we decided to walk on the beach and then the boardwalk to see what we could see. We ended up walking 68 blocks that day and night, because we didn’t know much about Ocean City.

Finally we found a beautiful restaurant with great Italian food. We could sit outside and watch the full moon rise over the ocean. My first moon rise over the ocean!

The next day we decided to drive rather than walk. We drove to the very end of the board walk which was the most exciting part.

We saw lots of little shops. We saw hundreds of fancy cars in a car show. Chris got some Boardwalk fries and frozen custard. We went to the Life Saving Station Museum. It was amazing to learn about the men who would patrol the beaches at night, looking for ships in distress. The accounts of rescues touched me deeply. The men would risk their own lives, work for hours in freezing temperatures and horrible weather, and think of nothing else except the person they were trying to save.

“That is like you, Jesus.” I prayed. “Give me your heart for your people in distress. But how do I save them if they don’t even know that they are dying?”

“You don’t have to do my job. You don’t have to save them, heal them, know everything about them, or make everything right for them. Just love them and obey Me,” I heard Him answer.

Later we ate a delicious meal on our balcony overlooking the bay. Then we walked on the bay as the sun began to set.

It was my first sunset on the bay…

Stunning!

A Blue Heron

Night falls.

The next morning we woke up early and walked to the beach one last time. The sun was about to rise.

I was surprised by all the other people gathered, watching the horizon.

There is the first bit of sun peeking over the ocean! My first sunrise on the beach. We watched as it rose quickly into the sky.

We shared the beach with the trucks and the morning fishermen.

And a woman doing acrobatics.

And two pelicans.

I could feel His presence in the wind that carried the birds. As we walked along the edge of the water, I could hear God’s voice in the waves. They were unrelenting and drowning out all other sounds. I can see why people love it here. Away from the rest of the world. Encounters with God come loud and clear.

I am struck by how God reveals himself in His creation. He is like the ocean. Unpredictable. Just when you think you have figured out where to walk to just get your feet wet, a large wave comes and gives you more seawater than you had bargained for. Uncontrollable. The waves push and pull and can’t be stopped.

Unimaginably beautiful.

God Encounters ~ Part Three; Maleficent offers a message of Hope!

July 8, 2017 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 1 Comment

After going through a season of loss, it is hard to allow yourself to dream again. There is something beautiful and freeing about surrender. Lay all my dreams down and cling to God alone? Sure, I can do that.

But what happens when I feel dreams stirring in my heart again? Old dreams. New dreams. Forgotten dreams.

It should thrill me and fill my heart with excitement…but instead, I feel fear. The fear of being disappointed again. The fear of being wrong, of being foolish, of going around that same painful circle again.

God sent me a message that gave me permission to dream again. And he sent it through a famous Disney villain – Maleficent!

If you haven’t seen the new live action movie, Maleficent, you might want to watch it before reading this article (I don’t want to ruin any surprises for you). I never had any interest in seeing this movie. I hate Disney villains! They are so scary! I don’t let my small children watch them. Yet when the movie Maleficent came on the TV, I was drawn in. Maleficent was a young girl with piercing eyes.

She was a powerful fairy. In fact, after the death of her parents, it fell to her to protect the fairy kingdom of the Moors. She didn’t look at all like a fairy with great horns growing out of her head and massive, dark wings. Yet she was wise and good.

I was captivated when I watched her flying with her strong wings, joyous and free, shaping the clouds with the force of her flight. I wished to do the same! My recent obsession with eagles that I wrote about in “God Encounters ~ Part Two”, fueled the desire that I could enjoy that same freedom that Maleficent had.

She trusted a young boy even though humans were usually enemies of her kingdom. She and the human fell in love, and on her 16^th birthday, the boy gave her, “true love’s kiss.” Her trust was rewarded by abandonment and an empty heart. Soon the boy forgot about her in his ambition to become King.

Years passed. That boy had become a man and returned to Maleficent with kind words. She forgave him and let him into her heart again, only to be betrayed. The man had intended all along to kill her, for whoever killed Maleficent, the great protector of the Moors, would be given the human kingdom that wanted to conquer it. This man couldn’t bring himself to kill the dark and beautiful creature he had once loved. So instead he drugged her and cut off her wings, thinking that this would be all the proof that was needed.

Normally I am not that deeply impacted by a Disney fairy tale, but this time I truly grieved for Maleficent. To see her painfully crippled by the one that she loved hit close to home. I could feel her pain. What a tragedy for her to be earthbound when she was created to fly! The sorrow and suffering turned into bitterness in Maleficent’s heart, and she cursed the daughter of her betrayer, Aurora.

Aurora was so sweet, so happy, so innocent, and so defenseless that Maleficent began to love the child despite herself. She became Aurora’s sustainer and defender, her “fairy Godmother.” As I watched Maleficent’s heart turn from unforgiveness to love, I still felt so sad. Sad to see her only a shell of what she once was. Yet that happens to many of us in this life. I comforted myself with the thought that even if our physical bodies are broken and our circumstances are prison-like, we can still be free on the inside. Our spirits can still soar above the clouds in God’s presence. Still, we long to see restoration with our physical eyes.

Maleficent tried to renounce the curse she had put on Aurora, but she could not. When Aurora turned 16 and fell into the death sleep, Maleficent showed no concern for her own life when she brought a prince into the castle to give Aurora “true love’s kiss” and break the spell. It didn’t work! Maleficent was heartbroken, coming face to face to with the fear that has always haunted her – there was no such thing as true love. She promised to always protect the sleeping girl. When Maleficent stooped to kiss the one she truly loved with a selfless devotion, the spell was broken! Aurora was awakened!

The king, now a tortured and crazy man, did not even notice that his daughter was well again, so intent was he on killing Maleficent. Aurora ran from the battle and came upon Maleficent’s wings, locked in a glass case. They were still alive and flapping! This was something I never expected! Cut off a body part and it surely dies. In the years that had passed, they would have decayed and been long gone…yet here they were, as strong and true as ever.

Aurora shattered the case and the powerful wings were reunited with their owner, carrying her above the battle. Maleficent’s true identity had been restored, and it was a wonder to behold. This was a miracle! I was rejoicing! This is the type of miracle that only happens in fairy tales…or is it?

Could this just be a message from God to get my attention, to lead me to the real miracle of the restoration of all things found in Is 35 and again in Is 65 all throughout the Bible? This will really happen in all people and to the entire earth…someday.

But what about right now, inside of me?

Could it be that God is restoring my true identity – the parts of me that were stolen or crippled? My true self, my purpose and all of the freedom and thrill and excitement that comes along with it? Could God be storing up all of the dreams I ever had, all the dreams He ever had for me?

-before they got trampled and crushed by life.

-before I experienced betrayal and pain.

-before I hear the words “You can’t,” “You shouldn’t,” “You Never Will!”

-before I morphed into a shell of what I was created to be, a wingless eagle living in the dirt.

Could those wings of mine be alive and viable somewhere?

Perhaps I WILL feel the wind rushing around me!

Perhaps I will rise above the earth again.

Perhaps I will see the miracles I once expected.

Perhaps I will be whole and strong.

Perhaps I really will be a fearless one!

Perhaps I was born to fly!

And perhaps you were too…

God Encounters ~ Part Two: The Sky and the Ocean

June 30, 2017 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 3 Comments

It has been a difficult season for me, being sandwiched between the needs of my children and my mom. I feel so busy, so responsible, and so drained that it is almost suffocating.

Yet, all this is pushing me deeper into God. I am asking for strength and for wisdom. I am asking for His love to flow through me when I am empty. I am listening for His voice. He has answered me with the most beautiful string of encounters with His presence.

One – The Wind

One February night I was having a quiet time in my room. I turned on some “Bethel Without Words” and just sat in the music. I felt God’s presence. It was like a wind blowing through me and around me. I was reminded of my childhood, when I used to climb the maple tree in my front yard. I loved to climb as high as I could, until the branches got thin enough to sway gently in the wind. I felt a breathless exhilaration. I felt peace and joy. I felt the wind.

“That was me,” I heard God whisper. “The wind was my presence. I have always been with you, even before you knew me.”

The presence of God was so sweet. It blew away my fears and left me feeling refreshed and new and loved. I practiced trying to find this “Wind of His Presence” during the course of my day; when I was stressed about all I had to do, when I was worried that I wasn’t enough, when I felt my frustration rise and my sanity shaken. I would close my eyes and feel the wind softly rock me back and forth, like a mother rocking her baby. I was safe and loved, and this reality was where I wanted to live every hour of every day.

Two – The Heartbeat of Love

About two weeks later I was enjoying worship at my church on a Sunday morning. It is so easy to connect with the presence of God in that place. I felt the wind again. Then it began to pulse through me like a heartbeat. I began to awaken to the truth that this love was also pulsing through everything everywhere…All THE TIME! The universe was founded and built by His love. It is operating and expanding by His love still. This love is alive and active like the wind blowing, like a river flowing, like blood being pumped through every cell.

This was challenging my current world view. I had seen the world as a very cold and hard place much of the time, full of dangers and toxins that I had to protect my children from. Many scenes that flashed through my mind were not pretty; broken down cities full of corruption, once beautiful wilds polluted and dying, great mountains of decaying garbage inhabited by sick and hopeless humanity. Yet God was telling me that His love was pulsing through all of this. Scenes of great evil, people experiencing unspeakable horrors at the hands of other people, also flashed through my mind.

“There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still…”

I knew that Corrie ten Boom had said this after living through a concentration camp, but now God was telling me that it was really true. HIS LOVE IS EVERYWHERE! Of course there is a lot in this world that IS NOT love, that IS NOT part of God’s original plan.

But His love is still there, bigger and stronger. If only we could be aware of it. If others have found His love in the depths of darkness, certainly I could find it in every circumstance of my life. If His love can bring redemption from the worst of the worst, certainly He can do the same in my slightly messed up life! When I began to look at the trials as potential miracles, my burdens began to turn to wonder.

Three – The Eagles and the Wind

In the following weeks, I practiced feeling God’s heartbeat of love pulsing all around me and in me. I imagined it flowing thought everything I looked at. I imagined it touching everything I thought about. Many times I would feel the wind of His presence, so full of love.

At the same time, I found myself searching the sky for eagles. I know that there probably aren’t many eagles around here, but I was eager to see any bird of prey. God speaks to me so often through nature, and right then I had an obsession with eagles. It started when I wrote the article, A Cure for the Negativity that is All Around , in which I told about a vision I had about 12 years ago. I saw a nest full of baby eagles on the side of a rocky cliff.

God said, “You are eagles and you are to raise your children like eagles.”

Eagles play a huge part in the visions that Rick Joyner tells about in the Final Quest Series. The eagles seemed to represent the prophets, flying high enough to see clearly what others cannot see. They instruct, encourage, and warn the other believers. They bring refreshing winds of healing when they flap their great wings. They set believers free when they devour the snakes of shame. They carried many scars from the battles they had fought with courage. The Final Quest books have impacted me deeply. I have read them many times and felt challenged and uplifted each time. A small, timid voice inside my heart would say, “Perhaps I am meant to be an eagle.” My mind would quickly dismiss the silly thought…until I remembered that vision.

I still didn’t understand how I could be an eagle in the spirit, but I wanted to find out. So I began to search the skies for a sign. Perhaps if I caught sight of the noble creatures (even a hawk would do!), they could teach me something. As I drove through the country to the farm I frequent once a week, I would see large birds high the sky. I would marvel at their freedom and wonder what they were seeing.

“How I wish I could fly up there like an eagle! How I wish I could feel the wind as they do and see as they see!” I thought to myself.

As I watched, I realized that they usually didn’t work hard or even flap their wings. They simply allowed the wind to carry them.

“The Wind of my Presence will lift you up so you can see like an eagle. Being in my presence is the key to the vision you desire,” I heard the Spirit of God say to me.

In a split second He married my two obsessions, the wind and the eagle. I wasn’t crazy! God was taking me on a journey that I didn’t understand, but it seemed as though He wanted me to be an eagle as much as I wanted to be one!

The scripture I received at the Women’s Encounter brought all of these encounters into focus for me.

Psalm 27:4-5 “One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life (His presence – YES! That is what I want more than anything!), to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.” (That’s where my baby eagles and I live! That is where He is positioning me!)

Four – The Sky and the Ocean

One Evening in April I was attending Women’s Prayer at my church. The worship that night was simply a play list on a cell phone plugged into the sound system, yet I felt the Presence of the Lord so deeply. I felt His love pulsing through me! I felt His wind! I imagined stretching my wings. The beautiful wind lifted me high above the earth, above my circumstances, above the doubt and fear and anger of this world. I could see that all was love, all was victory, all was good.

Right at that moment a song came on that I didn’t know, but the vocalist was singing about the wind of God.

“I can feel your wind blow through me. All of me cries out for all of you!”

The words perfectly captured what was going on in my spirit. (Later the leader told me that she hadn’t picked that song and didn’t know why it had come on…but I did!) I was soaring on the inside and feeling incredible freedom and peace. Then I encountered the clouds in the sky. I became the rain, falling to the earth. I became part of the great waterfall that Hannah Hurnard talked about in Hinds’ Feet on High Places. I was one of those happy drops of water, throwing themselves down from the High Places with thrilling abandon to be broken on the rocks below. We continued to flow to the lowest place, down to the Valley of Humiliation to bring life and love to suffering humanity. The water persisted in its journey until it reached the ocean. And there I was, water in the depths of the ocean. I could lay my life down to bring His love in the lowest place.

The wind and the rain

The Sky and the Ocean

“This is what I am offering you. This is the necklace from your dream.” The Father whispered.

Then I remembered necklace and my dream (God Encounters ~ Part One)! The beautiful silver necklace with light blue jewels each inlaid with smaller dark blue gems.

The light blue was the wind.

The dark blue was the rain.

The light blue was the Sky.

The light blue was the Ocean.

The Sky was limitless freedom and potential and vision.

The Ocean was His Love and Peace in darkness and suffering, humility and servant-hood.

My Father was offering me the vast expanse of the Sky and the deepest depths of the Ocean.

How could I, an imperfect mortal be worthy of such a gift? How could I even understand such a gift? How could I ever accept it and live in its reality? Then the answer came.

“You can’t work for this. You are my daughter. This is your inheritance. Just accept it.”

So in my spirit that night, I accepted the gift that I could barely comprehend. My Father, the King, placed the necklace around my neck and clasped it in the back. It felt light. This was no burden! This was no heavy yoke! This was the Sky and the Ocean…and it was mine.

Too Small a Thing (The Death of Signarama Part 2)

October 2, 2016October 4, 2016 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 1 Comment

dscf0775

I honestly think that our failures are more useful than our successes. They certainly provide us with the opportunity to humble ourselves and acknowledge our need for God. God doesn’t waste anything, and failure is a treasure trove of learning if we will take the time to seek out that treasure. It is painful to come face to face with our shortcomings, but oh so worth it!

As we were heading toward the end of Signarama, I took every available moment to seek God. I needed to hear His voice because it seemed like our circumstances were contradicting everything I thought He had told me.

I thought He had told us to buy the business. Despite my fears and uncertainty about it, He had given me supernatural peace. I thought that He had promised to prosper Signarama. I thought that He had promised to use it to bring us the wonderful provision that He kept talking to me about. Through the four years of running the business, we experienced ups and downs, but mostly downs. Yet through it all, I had felt the peace of God.

Now that we faced our own inability to keep the business going, I questioned whether I had heard God correctly. Could I even hear His voice at all? How could I ever be sure that I knew what His will was? How could I avoid making the same mistakes in the future?

Annalise was just a newborn, nursing about 8 times a day for an hour at a time. Nursing this sweet little girl was my full-time job. I still had to take Ashlyn to therapy once a week at HealthSouth. Ashlyn’s therapist gave me my own little office to set up camp during the hour and 45 minutes that we were there. I could nurse, read, and pray in a quiet, private room while Ashlyn did physical and speech therapy. What an amazing gift!

Each week I would get cozy in a chair with Annalise and a nursing pillow. I would set out my Bible, journal, and pen on the little rolling desk. All my other children were in school or at home with my two teenage babysitters, and I had uninterrupted quiet times. I would ask God all my questions….and He would speak! How precious those times were!

One day I was mourning the loss of our dream. Chris always said during the pain and struggle of business ownership, “It just has to be worth it!” I always felt that it definitely would be worth it…eventually. Business people kept telling us that after 2-5 years we would really see the profits. Eventually, if we had the right team of employees in place, Chris would be able to work less but make more. He would have the freedom to pursue other investments, to spend time with the family, and to take vacations. Signarama would be an investment that would bless us for the rest of our lives, and perhaps one of our children would want to take it over when Chris retired.

Yet, we couldn’t make it to the point of earning a profit. We were facing the reality of losing everything we had put into it and moving backwards in our goals and finances.

It had not been worth it at all!!!

God gave me the scripture Is 49:4.

“But I said, “I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.”

Isaiah was describing exactly how I was feeling! I continued to read.

“Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand, and my reward is with my God.”

Could there possibly be a reward in all of this? We just had to trust God that He was holding our reward even though we could see nothing good in failure.

When I talked to Chris about all of this, he told me that he had been meditating on the same scripture! God certainly was trying to tell us something.

Another day at HealthSouth, I asked God, “Was it your perfect will for us to buy Signarama when we did?”

He gave me Is 49:6.

“It is too small a thing for you to be my servant to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back those of Israel I have kept. I will also make you a light for the Gentiles, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.”

dscf0773

God had spoken this to Isaiah right after he had lamented about spending his strength in vain. Isaiah was being obedient to give God’s words to the Jewish people, yet he didn’t see any fruit. No one was listening to him. He was probably threatened and harassed for his message, and he couldn’t see what good could possible come from his pitiful ministry.

Yet God surprised Isaiah by telling him that his vision of bringing his people back to God (a vision that seemed totally unrealized) was way too small. God was telling Isaiah that he would also bring the light of salvation to the non-Jews all over the world. How could Isaiah have imagined how far his words would reach and how many people would be impacted by them? For the past 10 years I have lived in the book of Isaiah! The words of God recorded by that discouraged prophet have been a life line to me!

I bet Isaiah never imagined that a little mom and housewife in Pennsylvania would be forever impacted by his ministry. Yet here I am, writing an article about him! I bet most of you reading this have also been blessed by Isaiah.

I was very comforted by the thought that God was going to use our lives in ways we could not imagine, despite of, or maybe because of our failure. Still, we were praying that God would do a miracle right now that we could see. Resurrect our business, bring in the finances to keep going, bring us to the place where we could make a profit and recoup all our investment and more! The days went by and no miracle came. Why was God saying, “no” to our pleas?

After my time with God at HealthSouth, I began listening to some CDs that had been recorded at a recent conference at my church. I came across a quote from Lance Wallnau that spoke directly to my heart.

“God says no to what you want simply because He has something better in mind. If God isn’t answering Joseph’s plea to be released from the confinement of his prison cell, it’s only because Joseph, prophet, man of God, blameless as he may be, has a smaller perception of what prophecy fulfilled looks like than God has. In other words, he was willing to settle for a whole lot less than God had in mind so God had to keep him in a place of contradiction until the timing was right for him to be released to the greater thing God had.”

Could this be what was happening in our lives? God had promised prosperity, we had pursued prosperity, and we had failed. God’s promise was still true, but His plan was even greater than we had originally thought. Was Signarama “too small a thing?” Did God have something much greater for us?

We purchased Signarama because we wanted something better for our family than struggling from paycheck to paycheck. We were in pursuit of the American Dream; that if you worked hard with skill and determination, you would achieve a better life for yourself and your children.

“Is Signarama a picture of what we could do with our own hard work?” I asked God.

“We were with child, we writhed, but we gave birth only to wind. We have won no victories on the earth.” Is 26:18 was the answer that I received.

Perhaps God’s dream was higher than the American dream?

“How gladly would I treat you like sons and give you a desirable land, the most beautiful land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation. I thought you would call me ‘father’ and not turn away from following me.” Jer 3:19 was the scripture I got next.

This reminded me of the book I had been reading, God with You at Work by Andy Mason. Chris and I knew in our heads that we were God’s children and He was our Father. Yet reading this book had made me realize that the way we thought and lived our lives were indications of an orphan mentality. Truly being a son and daughter the way Andy described it was so foreign to my thinking that I could hardly understand it.

He said that the key to doing business in a kingdom culture was behaving like sons. To live in our inheritance that Jesus already won for us rather than working so hard for payment. To cease from striving and self-effort and to do all our work out of rest. To not seek God to attain His blessings, but to seek Him for relationship simply because we love Him so much. Then we would be able to watch the amazing things that God would do on our behalf.

People in the world are successful in business all the time with no relationship with God. They have innovative ideas, work hard, and achieve great things while having no understanding of God as their father! Why could WE not succeed even though we had sought God every step of the way and asked for His blessings?

Perhaps it was because we have also prayed crazy, outrageous prayers such as:

Give us more of you!

Give us YOUR dreams and visions.

Don’t let us fall short of YOUR plans for us.

Don’t let our lives be ineffective.

Let us impact eternity.

We want to see and participate in signs and wonders.

Bring all of our children into their destinies.

Prayers like that mean that a financial success out of our own hard work was “too small a thing.” God has something bigger for us like he had for Isaiah and Joseph. Something that requires us to actually become the people He intended us to be. That can only happen by seeking Him more and more each day. By being uncomfortable to know that we need Him. By seeking His kingdom first.

We can never achieve this by working hard. We can never step into our sonship and inheritance by working hard. Signarama was all about working hard. God cares about us too much to let us earn success from our own hard work. He wants us to become a son and a daughter and to see real success happen out of rest. Success that He brings about with His amazing power – not our own abilities or intelligence.

dscf0759

I still don’t understand this whole “sonship” thing. How can I just accept His unconditional love for me? How can I just live in my inheritance? You mean I never have to work hard to earn it? I never have to prove anything? God delights in me just the way I am right now, failures and mistakes and all?

You mean I never have to worry about provision because God ALWAYS provides for His children? I don’t have to seek after these things but can seek His kingdom? This I just don’t understand.

But at least now I KNOW that I don’t understand it. I can ask God to show me and help me. I have the death of Signarama to thank for that!

I want to tell my story of God’s goodness in it all!

“This time it isn’t about the eagle. It is about the water,” I heard God say.

“If God loves me so much, why would He want me to suffer?”

Mocking me as though it was saying, “So you have trusted God? I am going to enjoy picking you apart bit by bit.”

She whisked me off to her prayer room and, oh the tears and wonderful words of God that were released there. It was a lifeline to keep me going.

Now I had many more hoops to jump through to secure my homebirth but…phew! I was incredibly relieved!!

And there was a little trouble afterwards with a sudden flow of blood that convinced the midwife and my husband that I was minutes away from dying.

Overall, it was a beautiful, fast homebirth to a robust and healthy boy! I was so thankful!

Aslan said to Lucy and Susan after his resurrection, “Climb onto my back, we have far to go, and little time to get there.”

I pictured Grace carrying me all this time. That was the only way I was going to get anywhere important.

Marcey said, “This will be the ride of our lives. It will be hard, but I don’t want you to disqualify yourselves. We need all of us. We need to surrender to Him.”

She was speaking right to me and igniting a fire. I didn’t just want to survive; I wanted to run my race again and let Grace carry me to places unknown.

The power of sacrifice – the phase seemed to burn into my mind.

I heard a whisper from God, “Your enemy showed you his face. He thought he could take you out, take your baby out, take your family out. Not once did he pluck you out of my hands. Your life and purpose were secure the entire time. You remain UNBROKEN.”

A new surrender

A deeper surrender

A holy surrender

The perfect conclusion to a hard, hard season.

Share this:

My church, Life Center Ministries International, does something wonderful every spring.

Last year’s Encounter was called “The Garden.”

I would like to share four of my God Encounters.

1.My word was “Rekindle”.

2. At the 2022 Women’s Encounter I received a scripture, Matt16:19

“I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

“And I will place on his shoulder the key of the house of David. He shall open, and none shall shut; and he shall shut, and none shall open.”

3. I was on the ministry team and had two opportunities to pray for all the women who stood before me.

4. One of the most amazing God encounters during the 2022 Women’s Encounter actually happened in my home after the conference was over.

Through my stifled sobs, Jesus was telling me that He had never laid anything heavy or ill-fitting on me. Not even on my most impossible day.

I know that I will find Him in unexpected ways in the midst of the “Waves”, The Women’s Encounter March 24-25, 2023.

Share this:

“And I will make room for You

To do whatever You want to,”

BECAUSE HIS SPIRIT IS COMING UPON US LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

I began to imagine what revival could look like.

Couldn’t we all do that?

Dutch shared what God was speaking, “I’m about to bring the gifts, power, anointing, and strength of all 5 [past revivals] into one unprecedented outpouring of my spirit…Revival fires are about to burn in America!”

She shared that the harvest in the next ten years will be so great, it will require “all hands on deck” in the body of Christ.

How do we prepare to be part of this amazing future?

“Here is where I lay it down

Every burden, every crown

This is my surrender

This is my surrender…

Shake up the ground of all my tradition

Break down the walls of all my religion

Your way is better

Oh Your way is better,” I continued to sing with the worship team.

He was renewing my mind!

What would happen if we were aligned with Him in all our thoughts?

We could ride along side the Great and Fiery One as He defeats our enemies for all time!

Share this:

What is God saying in this time?

Not only are they raging against conservatives, Trump supporters, Christians, and those who believe in our constitution; they are raging against THE HOLY ONE OF ISRAEL! Surely He will defend His holy name.

“Stand with me. Be with me wherever I am. Go with me wherever I go. Do whatever you see me doing.”

I heard Jesus saying to the United States of America, “I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!”

Then Jesus became more intense as I heard Him whisper, “I have NOT forgotten you!” I saw him whispering in the ears of those hidden in darkness with no hope.

His precious babies in the womb.

His dear ones trapped in sex trafficking and pedophilia.

His future generations yet unborn.

“I have NOT forgotten you!”

“I have not forgotten you!”

“I have not forgotten you!”

I felt in that moment that His rescue plan was unstoppable, His purposes were irresistible.

NOTHING CAN HOLD BACK WHAT HE IS ABOUT TO DO!

2 Chronicles 20

“Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.”

2 Chronicles 5:6-14

And what happened before the glory of the LORD filled the temple? The priests had purified themselves and then they sang,

“He is good! His faithfulness endures forever!”

Purify ourselves!

Thank God!

Praise God!

Worship God!

Remind ourselves of His Goodness!

He will not forget, and His steadfast love endures forever.

Share this:

I was about to walk out the door to head to the Paris Fellowship Center for worship when I heard God say, “You don’t HAVE to do ANYTHING. Just rest and enjoy.”

“You could do everything wrong for the rest of your life and my love for you wouldn’t change. I created you because it made me happy. I delight in you!”

I was a dream in God’s heart before He made the world. (Eph 1:4, Rom 8:29)

He brought me into this life because He wanted me. I made Him so happy! (James 1:19)