The Heartbreak and Joy of a C-section

June 1, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 6 Comments

As a young girl, I read that one out of every ten babies in the United States was born by C-section. I remember thinking, “If I have ten children, I will probably have a C-section in my lifetime.” But who really has ten children anyway? So I dismissed it as a very unlikely possibility. Despite the fact that cesareans have become more and more common (one out of every three births), I estimated that my chances were dropping. I was healthy and strong, educated in natural childbirth. I had beautiful, easy deliveries…eight of them! Although theoretically, I knew that anything can happen in this life, and I was not exempt from the risks of childbearing, I never thought it would happen to me.

I was so excited to be pregnant with my ninth child. I became even more excited when I found out that it was a girl! I had longed for a girl for so long, that I had almost given up. I felt the overwhelming joy of a dream come true. Yet along with it came a suffocating fear.

I had never before worried about the life of any my unborn babies. I just loved them, prepared a room for them, and anticipated a future for them. Yet this time I began to wonder if my preparations were in vain. What if I never got to hold my baby girl in my arms? What if I never got to dress her in all the pretty clothes? What if the sweetness and the tenderness of who she was, left my life forever?

I didn’t speak of these thoughts. If I uttered them out loud, they might become more real. Finally one night I tried to explain it to my husband, and I began to cry. Why was I crying? The baby was healthy and moving around in my belly. This had been my easiest pregnancy yet. There was no reason to worry.

“I think you have fear with this baby because she is so connected to the promises of God,” Chris said. At that instant I realized that it was true. We had already named her Annalise Promise which means “Oath of God” and “Graced with God’s Bounty.” Her name was a sign to us that we would be entering a season of promises fulfilled, promises for abundance. We had always prayed for that season. We had been looking for it ever since we had gotten married, straining our eyes across the horizon for any sign that the prosperity might be on its way. We felt deep in our bones that God meant for us to have more than enough of everything we needed, everything our children needed. Yet we hadn’t been able to live in that prosperity, cycling between the highs of great opportunities and the lows of dashed dreams.

Now we were having a girl whose very name meant the Boundless Generosity of God, and I was terrified that I would never be able to keep her or God’s Goodness, that both would slip through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to grasp them.

Of course I realized that God does not work that way. This fear was not from Him, yet He would take it from me, I was sure. I laid my fear at His feet and He gave me hope and joy and promises! He had me read Zephanaiah 3:14-20 over and over again. I could almost hear Him rejoicing over me with happy songs. I could feel Him hold me in his strong arms. I could sit back and watch him fight for me and gain the victory! I did not have to fear disaster! He was holding my little girl in His hands and she was safe!

My other babies were always head down in my womb, settling into a familiar position that I knew so well. But this little girl would not do that no matter how much we talked to her, coaxed her, and prayed for her. She would flip and turn and end up in all sorts of positions.

I was becoming quite nervous about her position as I headed into week 37. Our whole family had been hoping for an Easter baby which was only days away, yet Annalise was still not head down. I would lay in bed at night, tired yet unable to sleep. My belly was so big, I found it hard to breath. I could feel her do flips inside of me.

“I think we need to get another ultrasound to check on your placenta. If it is too low, that may be why the baby is not able to descend.” Mary, my midwife said as I was getting close to 38 weeks.

I had no intention of getting another ultrasound, but the night before Chris had expressed concern about the same issue. I felt peaceful that Annalise was safe and sound in God’s hands, but for Chris’ peace of mind, I agreed to go in and get checked. I prayed that if all was well, I would go into labor before the ultrasound. A peaceful homebirth was my heart’s desire. I would rehearse the wonder and beauty of it in my mind to cheer my weary bones. Yet I also prayed, “Don’t let me give birth at home if you want me in the hospital.”

Labor did not come and I found myself lying on a table in a darkened room. It only took the ultrasound tech a few minutes to see that placenta was covering the cervix.

“I am so sorry!” Mary said, “I know how much you wanted a home birth, but we just can’t deliver you at home. If the placenta is born first, your baby could die. You will need to choose a hospital and I suggest you go in tomorrow. It would be better to get a C-section as soon as possible so you don’t go into labor.”

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Yet, I knew that it was what God wanted. Otherwise He could have easily moved that placenta and brought labor on the week before. When I returned home from the ultrasound, all I could manage to do was cry. Most of my other eight children were around the house playing or doing homework after school. My oldest daughter hugged me and said, “It will be ok, Mama.”

I tried to believe her. I cried and grieved the loss of my perfect homebirth. I had wanted to be close to my other children. I had wanted a fast and easy recovery that would allow me to continue taking care of the needs of the home and homeschooling. I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that I had offered my body to God as a living sacrifice, to carry this child of promise, and He was going allow doctors to cut into me tomorrow.

The next day Chris and I began the work of getting ready to go to the hospital. As soon as Chris’ mom had heard about the situation, she had started driving to Pennsylvania from Florida. She would be able to get to our house by the evening to take care of the other children. How that eased my mind!

I sent a prayer request to all the ladies who had been to my baby shower a few weeks earlier. I also called my mom to explain the situation. She had been hoping to be at the birth, but I told her that I had to get surgery and she probably wouldn’t be able to see the baby until hours afterward. Mom happened to be at the ladies meeting at church. She stopped the meeting right then and there and asked for prayer for me!

A lovely thing began to happen. As I was trying to get ready, rushing around the house, up the stairs and down the stairs again, I started to receive emails and texts and calls from loving friends. They were praying for me and speaking encouraging words and offering help! One dear friend even prayed out loud for Annalise while I turned on the speaker phone so Annalise listen.

I was feeling an overwhelming sadness about having to endure a C-section, but I didn’t want Annalise to feel sad. I didn’t want her to feel like she was being torn from her safe haven too early or experience anguish on the day of her birth. The prayer I heard coming from the other end of my phone brought peace to my body and soul.

“Annalise will be so peaceful. It will be a sign to you.” I heard my friend pray.

Chris and I arrived at the hospital in the early afternoon. Mary was already there. It took hours for the staff to assess me and determine that the placenta was not actually covering the cervix but was dangerously close, only .9 cm away. Studies had shown that 90% of women with a marginal placenta like mine bled during labor and required an emergency C-section to save the life of the baby. Thankfully, I had not yet gone into labor and we could have a planned C-section.

It took several more hours to prep me for the C-section. During this time I felt oddly peaceful. God was in control and it was going to be ok. Finally at 8pm I was taken into the operating room where the anesthesiologist started the spinal.

“No pain. You will feel no pain, only pressure. No pain,” he kept saying over and over again.

I must admit that I didn’t believe him. How could I feel no pain at all during such a major surgery? Yet almost immediately, I started to lose feeling in my lower body. I started feeling woozy. My body felt so heavy. I was so tired, that I could hardly respond to the questions the nurses would ask from time to time. Before I knew it, Chris was next to me.

I heard the voice of a doctor instruct the intern on how to begin. I had never seen the doctor’s face. The intern had introduced himself and explained the entire procedure beforehand. He said he had done at least 50 to 60 C-sections in the past. He was friendly and I liked him a lot. The doctor, however, was gruff and rude to this nice intern, acting like the intern had never done a C-section before.

“NO, not like that! Not like that! Here, let me do it!” I heard from the other side of the blue curtain. I really experienced no pain at all! It was amazing to me. It almost felt like this procedure was happening to someone else. Even the abrasive voice of the doctor and the extreme pressure on my pelvic bone couldn’t bring me out of my medicated haze. But more than that, I felt the peace that surpasses understanding. I knew that God had every detail of this birth planned out for the best.

“She is almost here.” I heard Chris say with joy and excitement. I just couldn’t muster up excitement myself. I felt pushing and then a weight was lifted. I was lighter!

“She is here!” Chris said. Quickly the little bundle was taken to a table just a few yards behind me. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her. She was crying for all she was worth! A good sound. I wanted to call out to her. I wanted her to know that I was close by, that I was so excited that she was here, but I didn’t have the energy. Someone brought her to me and placed her on my chest. She was little and perfect. I was too numb to hold her, so she was whisked away again, this time out of the operating room. Chris went with her and suddenly I was alone…so alone.

I was lying on the operation table in the middle of the large room. I was vaguely aware of nurses and doctors working to stitch me up. They were talking among themselves, but not acknowledging me. I knew that the bright lights were highlighting my nakedness and my gaping wound.

“My baby is here! She has been born!” I thought to myself. “Yet how could this really be considered her birth? I didn’t give birth. Is today really her birthday? I didn’t push her out. The doctors pulled her out. It didn’t feel like a birth.”

As these thoughts floated around in my clouded mind, sadness descended. Instead of feeling the overwhelming relief and bliss that enveloped me after the birth of my other eight children, I felt a stark and cold loneliness. I wouldn’t allow the weeping to begin. I knew it would overwhelm my consciousness. I didn’t want to meet Annalise in the recovery room with tears.

Soon I was being wheeled to where my baby was. She was placed into my arms and I got my first really good look at her. Her face was tiny and beautiful, and she was looking up at me with open eyes. So serene. So peaceful.

She was a sign to me that everything was going to be ok. I would heal. The sadness would fade. I had suffered loss, but it hadn’t been the disaster I had most feared. My little girl was safe. Safe too were all of God’s promises. Our finances were still in an unstable place. But I was certain that we would see His goodness. I was sure that Annalise would live a life marked by God’s generosity.

The bliss didn’t rush in and seep into every cell as I had hoped. It crept in slowly.

It increased slightly with every look into her eyes, every touch of her soft skin, every time she nursed.

My heart was full of sorrow and joy, but the joy would overtake and overwhelm, one miracle moment at a time.

Bringing Treasures Down from the Attic

April 4, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

I have been anticipating this glorious event for months now. I have thought about it and dreamed about it. Finally it was time to take the newborn girl clothes out of the attic. They have been packed away for 11 years. Most of my other girl clothes I have given away, but I kept the cutest and smallest outfits that hold so many memories.

There is the warm layette with delicate rosebuds that my mother used to bundle me as a newborn.

There is the pink sweater that I received from a baby shower for my first baby. I wanted to save it to give to my firstborn girl to dress her firstborn girl.

There are the sweet neutral colored layettes that every one of my babies have worn.

My favorite frilly outfits for a sweet, cuddly girl.

Pretty hats to warm the tiny head with dark hair as soft as silk and a smell that lingers only for a little while and can never be duplicated.

And some recent additions given by grandma that are just too cute to leave out.

There are also the many outfits given by dear friends and family, brand new, just for this little one! Thank you! Thank you!

The true excitement will happen when I am able to post pictures of our new baby girl wearing all of these treasures from the attic. She is the real treasure!

Sunrise

March 24, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

“Yes, the day will come, says the Lord, when I will do for Israel and Judah all the good I promised them.” Jer33:14(Living Bible)

I was reading this during my morning quiet time. I got up from the kitchen table to walk my husband to his car as he was leaving for work. I lingered outside to watch the beautiful sunrise. I was struck by the faithfulness of God in causing the sun to rise each morning. No matter how badly I had lived yesterday, no matter how much sin had occurred in the earth the day before, today the sun was rising on humanity again. Along with the sun came God’s promise of his new mercies. What a good God we have!

I sat down and continued to read in my Bible.

” If you can break my covenant with the day and with the night so that day and night don’t come on their usual schedule, only then will my covenant with David, my servant be broken…” V.20,21

Then I heard God say, “Anne, if you are able to keep the sun from rising this morning, then you will be able to mess up badly enough to break my promises to you.”

Sometimes I believe the lie that I will disqualify myself from receiving God’s promises. But God reminds me that it was He who made the covenant in the first place. He cannot lie, and He knows all things. He already took my weaknesses and mistakes into account when He made those promises. So I can rest in the knowledge that it is God’s job to bring His words to come to pass, and it is my job to simply believe.

Lord, help me to rest in your faithfulness.

They are Lifting Their Brave Little Heads

March 20, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

It is still winter in Central Pennsylvania despite the fact that it becomes spring today. Spring seems to be talking much too long to catch up with the calendar. Breakthroughs in our business and personal lives seem to be taking much too long to break through. This baby seems to be taking much too long to grow. It is true that I am not even to my due date yet, being 35 weeks. Yet my body keeps complaining that surely it must time, that it cannot continue under this heavy load any longer.

A week ago I started having signs of preterm labor. This has never happened in any of my previous eight pregnancies. It was weird and unexpected and unsettling. I would have loved to give birth and be done with pregnancy. I would have loved to hold my little girl in my arms! Yet, it just wasn’t time yet. She wasn’t ready yet, and who knows what problems could have popped up. I would have to forfeit my cozy homebirth for a hospital birth where every little bit of the process is monitored. My tired and sore body feels like it cannot go on…yet it can and it must. Just a few more weeks!
Thankfully the contractions went away and peace has settled again. What’s a few more weeks? It is a privilege and an honor to provide a safe place for my baby to grow until the fullness of time. I would continue past my due date if I had to (though I sincerely wish I do NOT have to!)

My daughter took some lovely pictures that caused me to take heart again and see the beauty of the here and now.

This brave little robin and these courageous young crocuses have lifted their heads despite the adversity to become harbingers of a new season.

They proclaim that nothing can hold back the sunshine and warmer temperatures! No woman is pregnant forever! Every promise has it’s time of fulfillment! And it will be the perfect time and well worth the wait.

In Honor of Spring, New Life, and a Baby Girl

March 3, 2015March 4, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

I know we are still having winter weather, but I just can’t stop day dreaming about flowers, warm breezes, Easter, and a baby girl to be born in April!

So I think it is about time that I brightened up my blog a bit and post a story about new beginnings.

“The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins, he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord,” Isaiah 51:3

It was the early spring of 2008, and I was surveying my new yard. Our family of eight had moved into this beautiful, older home in the fall. However, the yard hadn’t been touched in years and was overgrown. My husband, Chris, had just finished a week of “vacation” spent clearing bushes and brush from our corner lot. I was amazed at how much he had accomplished. Still, I lamented over the barren patches of earth the roots had left behind. I despised the remaining scrubby bushes that Chris didn’t have time to dig out.

“How I wish he could have finished the job! How I long to see grass growing and flowers blooming! One of my favorite signs of spring is the delicious smell of lilacs in air. Lord, how can I get a hold of a lilac bush and get rid of these awful ones?”

Days passed, leaves came forth in the warm sunlight, and I surveyed my yard again. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Two of the ugly eyesores had been transformed into lilac bushes! The tiny lavender buds held the promise of that glorious scent.

“Thank you God that Chris wasn’t overzealous in his yard work after all!” I prayed with overwhelming gratitude. God answered in his gentle way.

“You wish that I would remove all the ugly parts of your life. You even blame yourself that they still remain. But you don’t judge as I judge. Under your barren ground there are seeds that will grow! I have allowed the “thorns” in your life to remain because I know that when the spring season comes, they will bloom and blossom. Then you will realize that the blessings you had prayed for have been with you all the while in disguise…as a trial.”

God, help me to see my life as you do, full of you promise and potential.

I Love February!

February 26, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 1 Comment

I have always loved February. I know that many people would not agree with that sentiment, especially in frigid Pennsylvania, especially this year. This could possibly be the coldest February on record with subzero temperatures, ice, and snow. Yet, I still can say, “Isn’t February lovely?”

My birthday is in February, on the very best day, the 22^nd. That is also George Washington’s birthday. As a child, February was full of joyful anticipation of celebration centered around me! My little head was filled with visions of ice cream cakes, presents, games, and friends…maybe even a pizza party.

There is also Valentine’s Day to brighten things up. Forget about the silly relationship drama that depresses the immature around this holiday. Think about the beautiful Victorian images of pretty ladies surrounded by flowers and chubby cherubs holding hearts. Smell the roses that show up everywhere in February and defy the chill outside.

It is still the middle of winter. My children don’t even want to play outside because it is too cold. Yet I can feel spring! I can feel it in my heart. All of my 39 Februaries on this earth have given way to spring in March or April. I have deep confidence that spring will come again because it always has. Nothing can hold it back!

In fact, it is already here. I feel it in the morning sunshine that arrives earlier each day. I hear it in the songs of the birds twittering away as though they had green trees to play in. Around my birthday each year, the crocus would begin to bloom. This year I thought that surely they must be delayed. The ground is still like the frozen tundra. How could they possibly break through with their tender leaves?

I checked the spot in the soil where they had laid dormant for so long. And guess what I saw!

I saw spring!

I Grow People. What’s Your Superpower?

February 14, 2015April 19, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 2 Comments

t-shirts can be found at http://www.cafepress.com

When I am pregnant, I tend to feel useless. It is when I feel the most discouraged about what I can’t do and what I am not accomplishing. Not feeling as well as usual, needing extra sleep, and facing physical limitations hinder my ability to do the things I think I should do.

My house isn’t very clean.

My boys grow shaggy manes of hair before I get around to giving haircuts.

I haven’t visited my neighbor since Christmas. She has trouble getting out of the house, and I look across the street and pray for her and wish I had the time and energy to walk over there and chat.

I am not very involved at church. It has been months since I’ve been to a prayer meeting.

I haven’t made a meal for a new mom in so long I can’t remember. Has it been years?

I haven’t fed the homeless.

I haven’t been on a mission trip. I haven’t shown my children the wonders and sorrows of a world beyond our borders.

I haven’t baked cupcakes for my children’s classes at school…ever.

I am not close to writing my first book.

I don’t take walks nor do Pilates.

What I have been doing is a lot of is eating and sleeping. Just recently I was considering how my present life would stack up in the light of eternity. All I could think about was what I hadn’t done –preached or healed or preformed miracles.

A friend at church was confiding in me how discouraged she had been lately. Partly in an effort to make her feel better and show her that she wasn’t alone in this sentiment, I shared my thoughts on my lack of important, spiritual works. Despite her own state of disappointment, she opened her mouth and out poured a beautiful stream of words from the Holy Spirit. I say that it was the Holy Spirit because it hit me right in the heart, convicted me, and lifted me up out of my doldrums all at the same time. She spoke so quickly and so beautifully that I couldn’t remember it all, but here is an awkward paraphrase.

“I am discouraged about what ministry we can’t do right now…but then I realize that I AM doing it RIGHT NOW, pouring into my family. What else is there? You bring life wherever you go…and THANK YOU! I wouldn’t have 5 children right now if it wasn’t for that conversation I had with you when you said that you didn’t want to miss anything; you wanted everything God had for you. That is a powerful message of life. You walk into a room and you bring double life without even doing anything. You keep going and keep carrying new life even though it is hard and you’ve had struggles. You live a message of life and that is so counter cultural and I LOVE IT!”

I was immediately convicted for despising the importance of where God has me right now – carrying new life! I grow people!

Girl people and boy people.

Light haired people and brunette people.

Even red-haired people!

Blue eyed people and brown-eyed people.

People who are talented artists and people who are good at math.

People with undetermined potential and people with childlike faith!

Growing people is so amazing and miraculous, it is like a superpower! It is hard work growing people. It takes a lot of eating and a lot of sleeping.

It takes giving up exclusive rights to my own body. And it takes giving up many, many tasks. It turns out that no task can be as important as a person. God gives me all the time and energy for everything He wants me to do. The things that I don’t have the time or energy for just don’t matter right now.

I am just a mom who loves babies. I am just a woman whose heart’s cry to God is, “I want to accept every child you have for me! I don’t want to turn a single one away!”

And my friend was telling me that I had changed her life! She was telling me that I bring life every place I go, just by being me!

Perhaps growing people is not your superpower right now. Perhaps your superpower is something more like:

Baking a beautiful cake

Smiling your lovely smile

Adopting the child that no one else loves

Writing encouraging notes

Taking care of the sick or dying

Shoveling sidewalks

Running a business

If you don’t think you have a superpower, think again. God gives superpowers to everyone! Just ask Him what yours is, and He will show you. Most likely it is something that just comes naturally to you. You don’t think much about it, but in a life given over to God, your superpower is changing atmospheres. Use that superpower to love Him and love people, and there is no limit to the impact it could have. Keep throwing out your little seeds. Don’t worry about the condition of the soil it may find or the rain that may or may not come. It is God who will make it grow! It is God who takes the smallest of seeds and grows a huge Sequoia tree.

I look at all of my eight children; my toddler, my young ones, my pre-teens, and my teens. I can’t believe that I grew all of them! I feel my unborn baby kicking and flipping and I am in awe! I can’t believe God has given me another person to grow! It feels like a miracle!

So for now I am going to be eating A LOT and sleeping A LOT for the kingdom of God, because there is nothing more important I can do. You keep practicing your superpower, and together we will change the world!

Nobody Knows in Advance Which Day Will Be the Day of Their Death

February 4, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

For my Grammy, that day was February 4, 2011. Sometimes you get an inkling that this life is drawing to a close. With Grammy, I was completely shocked. I was thinking that she could live another ten years, being from a family of long livers. She was even improving and starting to eat and walk again. I had no idea that February 4^th was her day. I simply thought it was my last day with her for a time, since I was flying back to Pennsylvania on February 5^th. I am so thankful for that last day with her.

Grammy was cozy in her new room at Harbor House, a memory care facility. She was confused about a lot of things, but she kept on insisting that she was going to move back to her apartment at Primrose. She had spent the Christmas holiday in rehab after a stroke. She was unable to get any of her mail. So she and I spent a long time on her favorite love seat, reading every single Christmas card she had received. I was amazed by how many people still sent her cards and how detailed their letters were. She remembered every single person and told me nice things about each one.

Then I read to her the scripture God had given me when I was praying for her before this trip, Isaiah 43:1-4. I saw Jesus carrying her through this strange new trial like a lamb on his shoulders and he was saying, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. You are precious and honored in my sight and I LOVE YOU!”

Grammy paused from her talking for a moment. I wondered what was going through her mind, and I hoped that she felt God’s love. Then she started right back into discussing moving back to Primrose.

Soon she became very tired, and we tucked her into bed for an afternoon nap. She looked comfortable and peaceful. I kissed her on the cheek and said goodbye.

Chris and I spent the evening with relatives. What a wonderful evening we had! We returned our rental car since a shuttle would be taking us to the airport in the morning. Our relatives drove us back to our rented room at Primrose. Chris and I were so worn out from our busy week. We wanted to just flop into bed and sleep as much as we could before our early morning flight. However, we still had to pack our bags. As we were getting everything ready to return home, we received a phone call. A young nurse from Harbor House informed us with a shaky voice that Grammy had passed away! She had slept away the afternoon. One of the nurses had tried to rouse her for dinner, but Grammy said she was too tired and just wanted to keep on sleeping. When they checked on her again, she had no pulse.

My heart started to beat fast. Was this supposed to be happening? Grammy dead, this soon? I had left too early in the day! I should have stayed at her side all evening. I had missed the moment when she left this earth. I immediately felt sad and guilty. Chris quickly pushed those thoughts aside.

“There was no way that you could have known. You did just what you were supposed to do this week.”

I began to feel a peace fill me. All I could do was what I had done. Grammy lived a long life and died peacefully in her sleep. She didn’t have to suffer. May we all have a death so sweet!

We called our relatives and asked them if they could drive us back to Harbor House. We wanted to say our final goodbyes. I had never experienced death so closely before. When I entered Grammy’s room, she looked just the same as I had left her, peaceful and snuggled under her blankets. I expected her to open her eyes and see me standing there, yet she was still. I felt that I was standing on holy ground. Jesus himself had just been there to gather Grammy into his loving arms and carry her home. His presence still lingered, and it was so sweet.

I really couldn’t know Grammy’s personal relationship with Jesus, what transpired in the depths of her heart and spirit before she died. But the presence of Jesus in the room gave me the peace that I would see her again in heaven. None of us can make it to heaven on our own. It is the same as trying to get to the moon by jumping our very highest. It doesn’t matter how hard we try or how well we train, we just can’t reach the moon. Jesus lived and died in order to carry us there. He is alive right now, constantly loving us and praying for us that we will trust him to do it. So let’s do less jumping and more trusting. There is nothing to fear and EVERYTHING to look forward to. For those who trust in Him, death is a reward and it is holy.

I Am So Good, My Goodness is Running Over!

February 2, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / Leave a comment

The week that Chris and I spent moving Grammy into a nursing home was an interesting one, because we were the youngest residents of Primrose Assisted Living Community by at least 20 years. I felt a little out of my comfort zone. Chris was outgoing and friendly as usual, striking up conversations in the hallways and elevators. We encountered all sorts of older folks. Some were very friendly and smiled when they saw us. Others didn’t pay us any mind. Many looked downright miserable. Most of the residents we never saw at all. The dining rooms and open spaces were not very full. The special library and computer room which offered free internet access was always deserted. I am talking crickets, it was so quiet! Chris and I used that computer constantly and never encountered another soul. I think most of the residents spent their days in their rooms.

We would see two ladies working at a table in the hallway, putting together a puzzle. The one woman told me that she and her husband had moved into Primrose together, but now she was alone. I saw the sadness in her eyes. I realized that everyone there had a story to tell, had a burden to carry, and had a cross to bear.

Chris and I would eat breakfast in their dining room in an effort to save time and money. A few older folks would gather each morning to eat the yucky food. Sorry, but the food was not very tasty or healthy! All I wanted was scrambled eggs. Just simple eggs without any refined flour or sugars to upset my stomach. They never had eggs, and when I special ordered them from the kitchen, they came out looking like a lumpy yellow mound, certainly not like the eggs I made at home.

The conversations in the dining room often centered around what ailments were plaguing the speaker that particular day and who was going to what doctor’s appointments. There were many chronic problems and diseases that brought constant pain. My compassion was aroused and I wished desperately that I could lay hands on all of them and bring healing like Jesus did.

One resident was different from all the rest. His smile was wider and his face shown brighter. Every person he encountered got the feeling that he was just delighted to talk to them. I don’t even remember his name, but I remember his joy. It was as though everything in the limited world of Primrose Assisted Living brought him endless happiness. Perhaps it wasn’t the world of Primrose at all that brought him such pleasure. Perhaps it was the inner world of his spirit

We sat with this pleasant man at breakfast one morning. I hesitated to ask the residents how they were doing, fearing what sad story that question might invoke. However, when we asked this man how he was that morning, his response was memorable.

“I am so good, my goodness is running over!” he said with a smile.

He went on to tell us that he had grown up in Wisconsin. He told us some charming stories about his childhood. He told us that he was a priest and he never married or had any children. It didn’t sound like he had any family at all. But he loved being a priest, and he loved his present life, that was apparent.

Someone else walked up to chat with him and asked how he was. Same response.

“I am so good, my goodness is running over!”

He was the bright spot during my stay at Primrose. I can no longer remember the details of the stories that he shared with me, but I will never forget that statement.

“I am so good, my goodness is running over!”

My life is so full of family, home, health, youth, and blessings. Yet I cannot yet say truthfully what he did. I still have my list of complaints and worries, woes and concerns. I hope to someday learn to love life the way that dear man did. I hope to experience the truth that God’s goodness is actually always overflowing my boundaries and running over my limits and filling my life to overflowing with His love!

I Heard God Serenading Me

January 29, 2015January 29, 2015 / Anne (Grace is my Superhero) / 5 Comments

It was late January of 2011. Christmas had just passed. It was the bleak midwinter, and Chris and I found ourselves emerged in the cold and snow of Wisconsin. We were in a situation we never anticipated and were unprepared for, in over our heads and praying for strength and wisdom.

My grandmother, who I always affectionately called “Grammy”, had suffered a stroke. She was placed in rehab and we expected her to make a full recovery and return to her assisted living apartment. Then my mom received a call from the fancy, new rehabilitation facility. A social worker informed her that Grammy had refused all rehab and had hardly walked since the stroke. Grammy had developed dementia and was deemed unable to make her own decisions. She certainly couldn’t return to her apartment and the very expensive room at the rehab facility was doing her no good at all. Yet she was still paying for both places. We were told that if a relative didn’t come to Wisconsin and become her guardian, she would become a ward of the state.

We all felt that Chris was the best candidate to travel to Wisconsin. He would take care of Grammy’s finances and get her situated in a nursing home. He was so gifted at organization and decision making. His time as an employee of Home Instead Senior Care had well acquainted him with the needs of senior citizens. At the last minute, it worked out for me to go as well. I left my seven children with trusted friends and traveled with Chris into the unknown. I felt a special grace for this time, yet I felt a huge weight of responsibility as well. Grammy had always been able to take care of herself, being very healthy and as sharp as a tack. Now at 96, she was to become our responsibility. I was used to Grammy telling me what to do, not the other way around!

We rented a guest room at Primrose, the assisted living community where Grammy had an apartment. It was new and beautiful and very comfortable. We were only supposed to be there 3-4 days which meant our schedule would be non-stop. We had to see a lawyer and then a judge to be granted guardianship. Then we had to visit nursing homes and chose one. We had to visit Grammy several times, of course, and work things out with rehab and Primrose. We had to think about applying for financial aid. Although the nursing homes were not nearly as nice as her current home, they charged a lot more, and we had no access to Grammy’ financials until the judge said we did. Once the judge granted Chris the guardianship, we had to visit all Grammy’s banks and clear out her apartment. We had to sell her car and forward her mail. The list went on and on without end. I kept a pen and paper with me constantly to write down every new name and number, every new appointment. My mind was so overwhelmed with details that I could hardly think straight.

When visiting Grammy, my heart was torn. She spoke so intelligently. She sounded so much like the Grammy that I had always known. I would think that I was making a horrible mistake by taking control of her life and moving her to a nursing home. Then she would remind us of why we were there. She would think Chris was one of the nurses. She would talk about the “seed soup” that she loved to eat. It turned out that “seed soup” was just tea with thickener added to it so she wouldn’t aspirate. That was about all she would ingest. She had stopped eating most food and had stopped walking. Yet the nurses would mash up a horrible concoction of all her medications and force her to eat it, usually on an empty stomach. Awful!

She would take a phone call from her boyfriend. After a minute, the phone would slip out of her hand and into her lap, yet she would continue talking as if the phone was still up to her mouth.

I knew we had made the right decision, transferring her to a memory care facility. Grammy was still very strong willed and feisty, and I wasn’t sure that she would agree that we had her best interests in mind. I told her gently that she couldn’t return to her beloved apartment but that we would be moving some of her things to a new place. She became so upset that she started feeling sick and displaying all manner of symptoms. Then she promptly fell asleep, sitting up and in the middle of our conversation. I prayed desperately that God would comfort her. She woke up a few minutes later and was in much better spirits.

It was Tuesday morning and like every other morning of the trip, I woke up at 4am and my stomach fluttered with nervousness. I felt so overwhelmed with all we had to do that day, and it seemed like more than we could handle. In addition, I was supposed to be flying home on Wednesday to be with the children. There was a historic winter storm with blizzard conditions and freezing rain from the Rockies to New England. The airports were being shut down, and I wouldn’t be able to fly home. My heart ached for my children. I hated to ask our baby sitters to stay with them for a whole week, but we had no choice.

I felt sad that I hadn’t visited Grammy in the past 12 years. We didn’t have the money to travel to see her, and it was hard to coordinate to take the whole family all the way to Wisconsin. Yet, here I was now, when I had to be. I was grateful to be able to help Grammy in any way that I could. Yet we still didn’t have the money to travel, and we weren’t sure how we were going to purchase plane tickets home (whenever the snow cleared) and how we were going to pay our babysitters.

I thought about how we had to go through all of Grammy’s belongings and decide which things she would like to keep with her at Harbor House and which we had to get rid of. I thought of going through all her personal papers and financial documents, all of her private memories and treasured trinkets, and I felt wretched, as though I was betraying her trust!

I felt awful about putting her in a nursing home. I wanted to bring her back to Pennsylvania to live with us, but I just couldn’t see how that would work. Could she even travel? Would she be devastated to leave the town that she had spent most of her life in?

All these thoughts wouldn’t allow me to get anymore sleep. I slipped out of bed as quietly as I could and got into the shower. The spiral of thoughts and emotions continued until I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

“I just want to go home and be with my children, but there is no way that I can!” I said to God.

Then sweetly and softly I heard God singing over me! It was a song by Mercy Me that I had heard on the Christian station, and God sang it to me something like this:

“You’re Beautiful! You’re Beautiful! You are treasured, you are sacred, and you are mine. You’re beautiful.”

I felt wretched. I felt homesick.

God was calling me beautiful!

I felt overwhelmed. I felt inadequate. I felt like I was doing everything wrong.

God was calling me beautiful!

And I experienced his deep, deep love for me when He sang it. It was like the love of a husband watching his wife have a stressed induced meltdown over some silly thing. He understands her thoughts and knows the depths of her heart. He is used to her swirling emotions. He knows that all the details that she is so concerned about will simply fall into place. He knows that she doesn’t need to worry at all, and her freaking out will accomplish nothing. Yet he looks at her and he can’t help but love her, despite her failings…because she is his beloved bride. Even though her face is red and blotchy with tears, her husband can’t help but see her overwhelming beauty. He is totally and completely in love with her at all times, no matter what.

That is how God made me feel that day in the shower. Isn’t He an amazing God! That He loves us so completely! His love was all I needed to take courage again and keep pressing forward, through the rest of the week, through moving Grammy’s stuff and moving Grammy and preparing everything that needed to be done before we returned to Pennsylvania.

Now, years later I look back on that frozen week in Wisconsin with awe and wonder. It was a blessed miracle. I saw God give us favor with the right people and witnessed Him work out all of the details. I got to spend precious time with Grammy. And the blizzard? God worked it out for my good. Instead of traveling home early, I was able to see Grammy comfy and cozy in her new little room. I got to see her happy in her new home (even though she did call it a “nut house”). I got to see her enjoy food and walk again! I got to kiss her and say goodbye before she took an afternoon nap. It turned out to be the last afternoon nap she would ever take on this earth. She finally felt at peace enough to let her spirit fly…and I got to be there…while God sang.

“He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph 3:17